Category: jokes for nerds

The South Carolina State Police received reports of illegal cock fights being held out in the parish near Goose Creek, and duly dispatched Detective Thibideaux to investigate. Thibideaux reported to his sergeant the next morning.

“Dey is tree main groups in dis cock fightin,” Thibideaux began.

“Good work Thibideaux! Who dey be?” the sergeant asked. Thibideaux replied confidently, “De Polacks, de Cajuns, and de Mafia.”

Puzzled, the sergeant asked, “How you find dat out in one night?”

“Well,” said Thibideaux, “I went down and done seed dat cock fight,I knowed de Polacks was involved whan a duck was entered in de fight.”

The sergeant nodded. “Oh yeah, l see dat, but what ’bout de others?”

Thibideaux intoned knowingly, “Well, I knowed de Cajuns was involved whan sumbody bet on de duck.”

“Ah,” sighed the sergeant. “Dat be making some sense. How you deduce dat de mafia be involved?”

“De duck, he won.”

There was 4 people on a plane. the pope a kid and the smartest man in the world, the pilot says the planes gonna crash and there are only 3 parachutes the pilot says im not gonna die and takes a parachute and jumps out of the plane and the smartest guy in the world says im too smart to die and takes a parachute and jumps out of the plane. the pope says im saved you can take the last parachute and the kid says its OK the smartest guy in the world just took my BACKPACK

ok once there was a kid in my 3rd grade class his name was donald! i said donald, do u have a crush on any body? he said huh? i said do u like our teacher? he said i dont like her as a teacher i love her as my girl friend!!!!! i said OH MY GOD! it was pathetic! omg ewwww! ewwww! ewwwww!

Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician. The magician was standing at the top of a slide. The magician than said, ”You may each go down the slide, asking for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide you shall land a a huge glass of that drink.

The first man went down yelling, ”Beerrr!!!” Plop! He landed in a glass of beer.

The second guy went down the slide yelling,”lemonadeee!!!” Plop! He landed in a glass of lemonade.

The third guy went down the slide yelling ”wheeeeeeeee!!!”’

a man was walking allong a river back and he sliped and he fell in so this guy called george pulled him to the edge of the river and ten muinets later the medics got him the started giving him mouth to mouth and george was still watching half an hour past and water was still coming out of tis guys mouth an hour later water was still coming out of this guys mouth so george says “try taking his arse out of the water”

A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off. ‘You look hot, my son,’ said the cleric. ‘why don’t you rest a moment, and I’ll give you a hand.’ ‘No thanks,’ said the young man. ‘My father wouldn’t like it.’ ‘Don’t be silly,’ the minister said. ‘Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water.’ Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, ‘Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I’ll give him a piece of my mind!’ ‘Well,’ replied the young farmer, ‘he’s under the load of hay.’

Whats more fun than taping a dead alien baby to a tree?

Ripping it off!

The lawyer was reading out the Will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the Will:”To my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in the rough times, as well as the good, the house and $2 million.””To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in illness and kept the business going, the yacht, the business and $1 million.”And to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would not remember him in my Will, you were wrong: Hello Dan!”

Does the name ‘Pavlov’ ring a bell?

Michigan, USA.

Guy buys brand new Grand Cherokee for 30 some thousand dollars and has 400+ dollar monthly payments. He immediately gets ahold of his friend and they go do some male bonding. They go duck hunting and of course all the lakes are frozen. These 2 Atomic Brains go to the lake with the guns, the dog, the beer and of course the new vehicle.

They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. Remember, it’s all ice and in order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck wants to fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. Out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40 second fuse.

Now these 2 Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that if they place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Grand Cherokee), they take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly going up in smoke with the resulting blast. So, they decide to light this 40 second fuse and throw the dynamite which is what they end up doing.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer, the guns AND THE DOG???? Yes, the dog. A highly trained Black Lab used for retrieving, especially things thrown by the owner.

You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and gets the stick of dynamite with the burning 40 second fuse about the time it hits the ice all to the woes of the 2 idiots yelling, stomping, waving arms and wondering what the hell to do now. The dog, well it is happy and heads back from where it came from moments before, with the stick of dynamite, only to the mounting woes of the 2 bozo’s now really waving their arms, yelling even louder and jumping to new heights than ever before.

Now one of the guys decides to think, something that he has never done before this moment, grabs a shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 buck shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab on its appointed rounds. Dog stops for a moment, slightly confused and continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused & of course scared, thinking these 2 Nobel Prize winners have gone insane and takes off to find covep, with the now really short short fuse burning on this stick of dynamite.

The cover the dogs finds? Underneath the brand new Grand Cherokee 30 some thousand dollar 400+ monthly payment vehicle sitting on the lake ice. BOOM ! Dog dies, and it and the brand new Grand Cherokee 30 some thousand dollar 400+ monthly payment vehicle sink to the bottom of the lake leaving the 2 candidates for Co-leaders of the Known Universe standing there with this “I can’t believe this happened” look on their faces.

Later, the owner of the vehicle calls his insurance company which tells him that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered.

He had yet to make the first of those 400+ a month payments.

I felt pretty sorry for the dog myself.

There are LOTS of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date…

“I really don’t like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.”

“I refuse to get cable. That’s how they keep tabs on you.”

“I used to come here all the time with my ex.”

“Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn’t hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.”

“I really feel that I’ve grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn’t have given someone like you a second look.”

“And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest.”

“I know you said you don’t eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask.”

“It’s been tough, but I’ve come to accept that most people I date just won’t be as smart as I am.”

“I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn’t hurt to consider it.

why is the pig eating so fast , because he is hungry