Funny Conversations

BOY : Since we met, I can’t eat or drink…
GIRL : Why not ??
BOY : I’m broke.

BOY : May I hold your hand??
GIRL : No thanks, it isn’t heavy.

GIRL : Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night??
BOY : What time was it??

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me…

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what’s your phone number??

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever..
BOY : Don’t you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He’d forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

Man : You remind me of the sea.
Woman : Because I’m wild, romantic and exciting?
Man : NO, because you make me sick.

Wife : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out
of the other.
Husband : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

Mary : John says I’m pretty. Andy says I’m ugly. What do u think, Peter?
Peter : A bit of both. I think you’re pretty ugly.

Jimmy : Mom, can I have two piece of cake?
Mom : Certainly. Take this piece and cut it in two.

Sam : I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I comfortable seated.
Lily : So what do you do?
Sam : I close my eyes.

Teacher : Have you given the goldfish fresh water?
Pupil : No, Sir. They haven’t finished the water I gave them last week.

Mom : Why are you wiping the floor with that cake?
Son : Well, it’s a sponge cake, isn’t it?

It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. “What are you charged with?” he asked.
“Doing my Christmas shopping early,” replied the defendant.
“That’s no offense,” replied the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?”
“Before the store opened,” countered the prisoner.

Meet Roy the drunk!

Roy walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs Roy that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?

Roy is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, Roy stumbles in the SIDE door of the “same” bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely but more firmly, refuses service to him due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. He looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, Roy bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds him that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

Roy surprisingly looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries – “MAAAN! How many bars do you work at!?!?!”

I Didn’t Even Know!

Three drunks were sitting at a bar.
The first one said… “I went in my daughter’s room, looked in the drawer and found a pack of cigarettes.”

He paused. “I didn’t even know she smoked!”

The second drunk said… “I can beat that! I went into my daughters room, looked in the closet and found a case of beer. I didn’t even know she drank!”

The first two looked at the third as he begin to speak..
“I can beat that! I went into my daughter’s room and looked under her pillow. I found a pack of condoms!!!”

He paused…
“I didn’t even know she had a penis!!!”

Man in Calif. Sues Tom Ridge

MAN IN CALIF. SUES TOM RIDGE OVER DUCT TAPE ADVICE

Corona, CA(Corona Times)

Tom Ridge’s advice to Americans to stock up on duct tape and plastic has sparked a lawsuit which has been filed against him, the Department of Homeland Security and President George W. Bush.

Steven J. Bosell, the owner of B & B Construction in Corona, California, has filed a lawsuit claiming emotional distress, personal injury and sexual disfunction after he wrapped his “privates” in duct tape to protect them from a biological attack.

“After watching Mr. Ridge on television advising us to stock up on duct tape and plastic, I went to the local Costco and bought $100 worth of duct tape to protect myself”, Bosell said. “When I got home, I taped up my windows and doors. After I did that I realized survivors like myself are going to reproduce and populate the Earth after a biological attack, we have to protect our privates as well.”

Bosell claimed in his lawsuit he wrapped his “privates” in duct tape as test of “Homeland Security”. When he tried to remove the tape, Bosell injured himself when the tape began peeling off skin and body hair. After calling an ambulance, Bosell was taken to the hospital where the doctors and nurses laughed at him.

“I told the doctors and nurses at the hospital if they laughed, I would file a lawsuit against them and the hospital. They laughed anyways and I now have another lawsuit pending” Bosell said with tears streaming down his face. “They went out their way to make me look like a fool. Once I saw the doctors scalpel go toward my privates, I totally lost it and blacked out”.

Also named in the lawsuit is the President of the United States, George W. Bush. “President Bush is just as liable for injury to my reproductive future because he hired Mr. Ridge to run the Department of Homeland Security and Mr. Ridge gave the nation bad advice. They also made me look like a fool.” Bosell sobbed.

The Department of Homeland Security and the Bush Administration have no comment on Mr. Bosell’s lawsuit.

Only in California…

Looking for Chocolate

There was a guy who worked at the grocery store named Jeff. One day a guy named Phil came in and looked for the chocolate. Jeff said, ”I’m so sorry. We just ran out of chocolate.” “Okay.” said Phil. Then Phil started to look around and Jeff asked, “Now What are you looking for?” “I’m still looking for the chocolate.” “Okay fine. ” said Jeff. “Spell STRAW in strawberry.” “S-T-R-A-W” “Now spell BLUE in blueberry.” “B-L-U-E””Good. Now spell FREAK in chocolate.” “There is no FREAK in chocolate!”

Multilingual

A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. “Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks.The two Americans just stare at him.”Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?” he tries.The two continue to stare.”Parlare Italiano?” No response. “Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.The first American turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.””Why?” says the other. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”

Insurance Claim Statements

1) Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.

2) The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

3) I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my hand through it.

4) I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

5) A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.

6) A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

7) I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the other way.

8) I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

9) In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

10) I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision.

11) I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

12) I was on my way to the doctors with rear end trouble, when my universal joints gave way, causing me to have an accident.

13) Upon collision and in a flash of blue, I hit my head, twisted my neck, and tossed the lower part of my body out the side window.

14) To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

15) My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

16) An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

17) I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a skull fracture.

18) I was sure the old fellow would not make it to the other side of the street when I struck him.

19) The pedestrian had no idea which way to go, so I ran over him.

20) I saw the slow moving, sad faced gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

21) I was thrown from my car as it left the road, I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

22) The telephone pole was approaching fast. I attempted to swerve out of its way, when it struck the front of my car.

23) The accident occurred with me waving to the man I hit last week.

24) I hit a bus stop sign that was obscured by human beings.

25) The pedestrian was all over the road, I had to swerve a few times before I hit him.

26) A bull was standing near and a fly must have tickled him as he gored my car.

27) A stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

28) I immediately applied my brakes as the vehicle struck the cement wall, thus bringing my car to a complete halt.

29) I left my car unattended for a minute when by accident it ran away.

31) I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress, then we met on impact.

32) I struck the young man with my husband’s car. He wanted to call the police but after having a look at my particulars he decided we should go to his apartment and settle things in private.

33) I thought I could squeeze between two trucks when my car became squashed.

34) I thought my car was in reverse but I found otherwise when it lurched forward, doing injury to a parking meter. When the police arrived the meter had expired.

35) I was contemplating continuous travel of a relaxing nature when, without due justification or color of right, my vehicle was struck in the rear by a vehicle driven by a person of obvious sub-normal intelligence.

36) I was on my way through a green light, with 3 witnesses, on the way to the accident that was about to happen.

37) I was thrown from my car as I left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

38) I was unable to control my car when it went berserk and struck another vehicle.

39) I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers left immediately for a vacation with injuries.

40) My car hit a pothole and came to rest approximately fifteen feet below the surface of the road.

41) My girlfriend kissed me. I lost control and woke up in the hospital.

42) My mind became confused by a sign that read “Free Puppy for Sale”. The next thing I remember, I was in the ditch.

43) No one was to blame for the accident but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert.

44) The accident happened when a right front door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal.

45) The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.

46) The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in the bush with just his rear end showing.

47) The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

48) The other car attempted to cut in front of me, so I, with my right front fender, removed his left rear tail light.

49) The other driver looked like the usual lane-hopping type with thick horn rimmed glasses, pimply faced, brown suit and thick soled shoes.

50) The other driver struck my car with an Expired Drivers License then left the scene of the accident.

51) There was a heavy fog and I was unable to find the traffic lights. A witness told the police that the other driver had the lights with him when he entered the intersection.

52) When I pressed the windshield spray button my car left the road and struck a fire hydrant. I was unable to see the road because of the spray. My windows are clean.

53) When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.

Letter Written Slow

A LETTER FROM A WEST VIRGINIA MOTHER TO HER DAUGHTER

Dear Louanne Ellie Mae,

I’m writing this letter slow because I know you can’t read fast. We
don’t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn’t have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not sure it works so well though; last week I put a loan in and pulled the chain and haven’t seen them since. The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven’t found out what it is yet so I don’t know if you are an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam safely. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down.

There isn’t much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom

P. S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

Two drunks

Two drunks are driving down the road drinking beer. All of a sudden they see a police car lights flashing in the rear view mirror. “What are we going to do?” asks the drunk passenger.

“Don’t worry, I know what to do. Peel the label off your bottle and stick it to your forehead. Let me do all the talking.”

They pull over and the cop gets out. “May I see your license and your registration?” he asks. The guy gives him his license. “Have you been drinking?” “No officer. We haven’t.”

“Well, you were weaving back and forth. Are you sure you haven’t had anything to drink?’ The officer asked.

“I swear officer. I haven’t had a sip.”

“Well, why do you have beer labels on your foreheads?”

The man answers, “These aren’t labels. We are alcoholics, and we’re on the patch.”

Wrong Method

Two girls were roommates.

One evening, Millie came running in, shedding clothes on the way to the bathroom.
She yelled, “Hurry up Tillie, get ready for our date!”
Tillie didn’t know anything about the date and said so.

Millie explained that she’d met two really great looking guys and had made dates for both of them for that evening.
Tillie said, “I’m not going out on any more blind dates.”
“Why not?”

“They’re always the same,” said Tillie, “It’s sex, sex, sex!
Nothing but a pain in the ass!”

Millie looked at her in disbelief and exclaimed, “Honey, you’re doing it wrong!”