Category: jokes for nerds

why does a bamboo does?

ans:it helps the monkey change to a baboon
from:kumar in singapore

Rufus bought his wife Lula-bell a bouquet of twelve long-stemmed roses for her birtday. Lula-bell gave him a big, close, hug and a long, deep, kiss.

Then she wispered in his ear “I guess I’m just gonna spend all night on my back with my legs in the air.”

Rufus thought about it for a minute, then said, “You don’t have to do that, honey. I bought you a vase to put the flowers in.”

I threw a ciggerate out my window it landed on the ground any you started saying clap your hands stomp your feet praise the lord we got heat.

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.
On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone – “Get me a coffee, quickly!”

The voice from the other side responded, “You fool you’ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to, dumbo?”

“No,” replied the trainee.
“It’s the CEO of the company, you fool!”

The trainee shouts back, “And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!”
“No.” replied the CEO indignantly.

“Good!” replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.

A city slicker moves to the country and decides he’s going to take up farming. He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, “Give me 100 baby chickens.” The co-op man complies.A week later the man returns and says, “Give me 200 baby chickens.” The co-op man complies.Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, “Give me 500 baby chickens.””Wow!” the co-op man replies. “You must really be doing well!””Naw,” said the man with a sigh. “I’m either planting them too deep or too far apart!”

Below are questions that people “actually asked” of Park Rangers around the country, proving once again that there is no known limit to the depths of human stupidity.
(Source: Outside Magazine)

Grand Canyon National Park…
Was this man-made?
Do you light it up at night?
I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom — where is it?
So where are the faces of the presidents?

Everglades National Park…
Are the alligators real?
Are the baby alligators for sale?
Where are all the rides?
What time does the two o’clock bus leave?

Denali National Park (Alaska)…
What time do you feed the bears?
Can you show me where the yeti lives?
How often do you mow the tundra?
How much does Mount McKinley weigh?

Mesa Verde National Park…
Did people build this, or did Indians?
Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
What did they worship in the kivas — their own made-up religion?
Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

Carlsbad Caverns National Park…
How much of the cave is underground?
So what’s in the unexplored part of the cave?
Does it ever rain in here?
How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?
So what is this — just a hole in the ground?

Yosemite National Park…
Where are the cages for the animals?
What time do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?

Yellowstone National Park…
Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
How do you turn it on?
When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?

Bill, Jim & Scott were at a convention together & were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken & they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.Bill said to Jim & Scott, “Let’s break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I’ll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way.”At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes & Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing & Scott began to tell sad stories.”I will tell my saddest story first,” he said. “I left the room key in the car!!!

You thought you had a bad day at the office….

A true story…

A professional scuba diver’s letter to his sister…

April, 1998

Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It’s a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.

This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I’ve used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It’s like working in a jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened to me.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast. Now I had that hose down my back. I don’t have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn’t get stuck to my back. My ass crack was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the comms. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he along with 5 other divers were laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing water stops totaling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface.

I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it up my ass when I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn’t shit for two days because my asshole was swollen shut. I later found out that this could easily have been prevented if the suction hose was placed on the leeward side of the ship.

Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope that thought will make it a little more tolerable. Take care, and I hope to hear from you soon.

Love, Brian

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In his book titled “Quick C”, Al Stevens gives us a quick rundown
on the origin, purpose and usefulness of so many programming
languages.

COBOL was designed so that managers could read code.
BASIC was designed for people who are not programmers.
FORTRAN is for scientists.
ADA comes from a committee – a government committee no less.
PILOT is for teachers.
PASCAL is for students.
LOGO is for children
APL is for martians.
FORTH, LISP and PROLOG are specialty languages.
C, however, is for programmers.

These are actual events that took place in our bizarre world. Enjoy! Custom officials in Peru became suspicious of a man and asked him to open a suitcase he had checked on a flight to Prague. Inside, they found 17 monkeys, 10 turtles, five dwarf crocodiles, two snakes and a lizard.

A Pensacola, Florida woman called police and indignantly complained that the two rocks of crack she’d bought were fake and, in fact, tasted just like baking soda. A helpful officer tested the drugs and determined it was real crack-so the woman was arrested for possession. The assistant to the police chief said, ” I guess stranger things have happened, but I personally have never seen them.”

A Buenos Aires police officer was hanging out with his girlfriend when a man on horseback approached and asked for a match. “I’m sorry, but I don’t have one,” said the officer. The guy on horseback must have really wanted a cigarette because he took out a gun and shot the officer in the chest.

A man armed with a beer bottle abducted a cat and demanded a Tickle Me Elmo Doll as ransom. The suspect picked up the cat from the front lawn and banged at the front door ofthe house. A woman opened the door and was shocked to see her cat being held hostage. “I had never seen this man,” the cat owner later said, “and I told him I don’t have his doll.” The man then took the cat to his car and yelled: “If you want your cat back, gimme Elmo.” The abductor and the cat are still missing.

Cops in Allentown, PA discovered that a man who was arrested at the bus station with 280 small bags of heroin in his luggage had chewed the skin off of seven of his fingertips after being jailed. A police sergeant noted that, “this is certainly a strong indication that somebody somewhere is looking for him.”

The young man entered the Ice Cream Palace and asked, “What kinds of ice cream do you have?””Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry,” the girl wheezed as she spoke, patted her chest and seemed unable to continue.”Do you have laryngitis?” the young man asked sympathetically.”Nope,” she whispered, “just vanilla, chocolate and strawberry.”