Category: jokes for nerds

A Irishman went to the doctors with a hole in his earlobe and blisters all over his feet, the doctor asked: “What happened paddy?”Paddy replied, “I was opening a pudding an’ it said on the packet pierce ere and stand in boiling water”

When necessary, metric and inch tools can be used interchangeably.

Why dont Black people dream????

because the last one that did got shot

There were three guys in a steam room a european guy, a italian guy , and a chinese guy. They were all enjoying the steam and sweat when they heard a beeping sound the european guy pulled up his skin and said its my wife dont worry, the italian guy said “you have a beeper built into your skin?” “Yeah i always lose it!” So the next thing they hear is the ring of a telephone so the chinese guy puts his hand to his ear and starts talking, the italian guy says “You have a cellphone built into your hand?” “Yeah i always leave it at work!” So after all that the italian guy needed to take a dump, so he went to the bathroom and came back with a piece of toilet paper sticking out of his butt, the chinese says “Yo man you have a piece of toilet paper sticking out of your butt!” “No im waiting for a fax!”

YOUR SO STUPID YOU GOT STABBED IN A SHOOT OUT

A man walks to work every day. On his way there he always passes the local insane asylum.Well, one day when he was walking by the asylum. He heard all the patients on the other side of the tall wood fence chanting “Fifteen, Fifteen”. He became very curious but had no way of knowing what was going on.The chanting became louder “Fifteen, Fifteen, Fifteen” , and his curiosity became stronger. What were they doing? His imagination went wild…. were they torturing fifteen people, were they counting something he did not want to know about? He could not stand the suspense.He finally saw a little knot whole in the fence, just big enough to look through. He walked up to it cautiously and ducked down to look in it.All the sudden he got pocked in the eye with someone’s finger. The chanting changed to “Sixteen, Sixteen, Sixteen”.

What do you do if an idiot throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.

The wealthy couple were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary. Their three grown sons joined them for dinner. The old man was rather irritated when he discovered that none of the boys had bothered to bring a gift, and after the meal, he drew them aside. ‘You’re all grown men,’ he said, ‘and old enough to hear this. Your mother and I have never been legally married.’ ‘What?’ gasped one of the sons. ‘Do you mean to say we’re all bastards?’ ‘Yes,’ snapped the old man, closing the trap, ‘and cheap ones, too!’

A young man called information. “I’d like the number for Jennifer Smith in Atlanta,” he said.

“There are multiple listings for that name,” said the operator. “Do you have a street name?”

“Well, uhhhh,” said the young man, “most people just call me Bubba.”

I would walk one 500 miles but im to fat to walk a step just to be the man to walk one 1000 miles would take 200 hours

It may very well bring about immortality,
but it will take forever to test it.

Two guys were on a long drive back from a fishing trip, when one turned to the other and said he needed to go to the bathroom. So they stopped the truck and he went behind the bushes. When he came back the other said “That was fast.”

“Well I need to take a shit but I’ve got nothing to wipe my ass with.”

The other answers, “That’s easy just go on back, pull out a dollar, and wipe your ass with it.”

“O.K.” he says as he goes back over to the bush.

Later he comes back with a really upset look on his face and shit all over his hands and says “That was a terrible idea.

Not only did I get shit all over me, I’ve got 10 Dimes Stuck up my ass!”