Category: jokes for nerds

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jerves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn’t having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay with the others since several of his important clients were there.

As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jerves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door.

She looked at him and smiled. “Jerves

There were three guys (black, white, mexican) who worked as construction workers. They built buildings and stuff. Everyday at lunch they always got the same kind of sanwhich. ex. black dude got turkey, white dude got jelly, and the mexican dude got ham. One day they were on top of a building in which they were building, and it was lunchtime. So they opened their lunches. They were disappointed because they got the same lunch as yesterday. So the black guy said “Tomorrow

Dear SonI am writing this slow cause I know you can’t read fast.We don’t live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happened within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address cause the last family that lived here took the numbers with then to there next house so they wont have to change there address, I wish the I have thought of that.This place has a small washing machine. the first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven’t seen them since.It only rained twice this week- three days the first time and four days the second.The coat you wanted me to send you; your aunt sue said it was too heavy to send it by mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. Don’t tell anyone.We got a bill from the funeral home, said if we didn’t make the last payment on Grandma’s funeral bill; up she comes. Luck we have a spare bedroom in the new place. We can move her when you come to visit.About your father- he has a lovely new job. He has over 500 people under him; he is cutting grass at the cemetery.Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven’t found out if it was a boy or a girl, so I don’t know if you are a aunt or an uncle.Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. One was driving two was in the back bed. The driver got out- he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned; they couldn’t get the tailgate down.Your uncle Mike fell in the whiskey vat at work. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. He wanted to be cremated, burned for three days.

There once was three explorers, an english explorer, a spanish explorer, and a polish explorer an idiotwere exploring an island and they got captured by vikings. The Vikings said they would kill the explorers and cut their skin off their bodies to use as boats because the Vikings boat sank. The Vikings said they would Grant each one of the explorers one big big wish. The English guy wished for a sword and he stabbed himself. The spanish guy wished for a dagger and he stabbed himself. The polish guy wished for a fork, So then the polish idiot took the fork and started stabbing little holes in himself all over his body,and said “I hope your boat sinks.”

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don’t know.

Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).

If a person is choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

You should go home.

A guy goes to a girl’s house for the first time and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks. As he’s standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up and as he’s looking at it, she walks back in. He says, ‘What’s this?’ She says, ‘Oh, my father’s ashes are in there.’ He turns beat red in horror and goes, ‘Geez, oh, er…I…’ She says, ‘Yeah, he’s too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.’

three guys are out in a bar and one of them have green hair and one has red and the other has blond!A blond chick comes up and says hey babys how did you get your hair that way? the blond hair guy i dyed it! the red hair guy i dyed it! the green hair guy said i dont know putting his hand on his nose then his hair (thats how it happened to him his booges)so the blond gal goes out with him because he did something different then the other two guys!!!!! lol

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony, beaming at the thousands of people in the courtyard below. The Queen said to the Pope out of the side of her mouth, ‘I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand.’ The Pope replied, ‘No way! You can’t do that.’ The Queen said, ‘Watch this!’ So, the Queen waved her hand and every English person in the crowd went crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering like mad. The Pope was standing there thinking, ‘Oh no, what am I going to do? I never thought she’d be able to do it.’ He thought to himself for a minute, and then turned to her and said, ‘I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild. Not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head.’ The Queen replied, ‘No way, it can’t be done.’ So, the Pope head-butted her.

Two Volkswagens had their bumpers locked and the drivers were unsuccessfully trying to disengage them when a little old lady wino shuffled onto the scene.’Tell you what to do, boys,’ she cackled, ‘Throw a bucket of water on ’em!’

A population control program had been introduced to the island, but the doctors were having trouble getting the women to take their birth control pills. They decided, therefore, to concentrate on teaching the men to wear condoms.One of the men who came in had had eight children in eight years, and the doctor told him that he absolutely had to wear a sheath. He explained that as long as he wore it his woman could not have another baby. About a month later, the wife came in and she was pregnant. The doctor got very angry. He called the man in and gave him a long lecture through an interpreter. He asked the man why he hadn’t worn the sheath.The interpreter said, “He swears he did wear it. He never took it off.”The doctor shook his head. “In that case, ask him how in the heck his wife is pregnant again?””He says,” said the interpreter, “that after six days he had to pee so badly that he cut the end off.”

When necessary, metric and inch tools can be used interchangeably.