Category: jokes for nerds

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, ”I want my $20 million.” The man replied, ”No, sir. It doesn’t work that way. We give you a million today and then you’ll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.” The Redneck said, ”Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it.” Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years. The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, ”Look, I want my money! If you’re not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!”

What If Dr. Seuss Did Technical Writing?

Here’s an easy game to play.
Here’s an easy thing to say:

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted ’cause the index doesn’t hash,
Then your situation’s hopeless, and your system’s gonna crash!

You can’t say this?
What a shame sir!
We’ll find you
Another game sir.

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That’s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
‘Cause as sure as I’m a poet, the sucker’s gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy’s getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc,
Then you have to flash your memory and you’ll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

There were 3 guys in a plane. The plane was about to crash.
They each had to throw one item out:

The 1st guy threw out an apple.
The 2nd one threw out a bannana.
The 3rd one threw out a bomb.

There were 3 guys below them. 2 were crying, 1 was laughing.
A guy went up to the 1st one and asked, “Why are you crying?”
He answered, “an Apple hit me on the head.

He went up to the 2nd one and asked, “Why are you crying?”
He answered, “a Bannana hit me on the head.”

He went up to the 3rd one and asked, “Why are you laughing?”
He answered, “I farted and my house blew up!”

A man tried to commit a robbery in Renton, Wash.This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices:1) The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop. 2) The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places. 3) To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door. 4) An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, promptly removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn’t fire. No one else was hurt.

The more general the title of a course, the less you will learn
from it.

The more specific a title is, the less you will be able to apply
it later.

I was walking into the store the other day when I saw this blind man an his seeing eye dog. Suddenly, the man grabs the dogs leash, and starts swinging the dog around his head. I walked up and said ” Hey, what the hell are you doin”?

The blind man said ” Oh nothing, just lookin around.”

There were 3 male windowwashers. One Mexican one American and one Polish. At lunch break one day the Mexican opened his lunch and got a burrito. He said,”man if i get another burrito im gonna jump.”” The American said

OK THREE GUYS GET STRANDED IN THE COUNTRY AND A FARMER FINDS THEM AND LETS THEM SLEEP IN HIS HOME.HE TELLS THEM THEY MAY STAY THERE BUT THEY MAY NOT TOUCH OR GO NEAR HIS SEXY BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER OR ELSE HE WILL KILL THEM.SO FINALLY THE FARMER GOES TO SLEEP THE FIRST GUY GOES DOWN STAIRS AND HAS SEX WITH THE FARMERS DAUGHTER.THE GUY TRIES TO COME UP QUIETLY AND SUDDENLY THE FARMER JUMPES OUT AND SAYS WHOS THERE THE GUY SAYS”MEOW”” SO FARMER SAYS OH GOOD NIGHT YAH DUMB CAT.SO LATER THE SECOND GUY GOES DOWNSTAIRS AND HAS SEX WITH THE FARMERS DAUGHTER.THE SECOND GUY COMES BACK UP STAIRS AND GETS CAUGHT THE FARMER SAYD WHOS THERE THE SECOND GUY SAYS RUFF RUFF.THE FARMER SIGHS IN RELIEF OH GOOD NIGHT YAH F***IN DOG.SO THEN THIRD GUY GOES DOWN STAIRS AND HAS SEX WITH THE FARMERS DAUGHTER.HE COMES UP STAIRS THE FARMER YELLS WHOS THE THERE THE THIRD GUY YELLS ITS ONLY ME THE DOG.BOOM

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, “Yup

There were three idiots and a mushroom. The first idiot says to the mushroom, “Do you want to know the sound of an angry goose running from a dog in the local park?””

The mushroom doesn’t answer so the three idiots answered for it. “”Honk

One morning, a hillbilly went to feed his donkey and it wouldn’t eat.The hillbilly went to get the other hillbilly and they both took him to the vet.The vet told them the donkey had a cold,so she gave him these big,round horse pills.She told the hillbillys to stick the pills up the donkeys “anis”” when it is time for it to eat.The two hillbillys went back to their farm.When they got their

Three men were builing a bridge and they decided to take a lunch brake.

The first man opened his lunch and said”If i get pasta for lunch one more time i am gonna jump off this bridge””

The second man opened his lunch a exclaimed””If i get a hotdog for lunch one more time i’m gonna jump off this bridge””

The last man opened his lunch and said””If i get peanut butter one more time for lunch i’m gonna jump off this bridge””

The next day they all jump off the bridge.
at the funeral