Category: jokes for nerds

A friend of mine in Florida is getting married in June, and it seems like he’s already getting a bit nervous about it.The anxious bride-groom sent out announcements in February, carefully addressing all of the announcements by hand. Within a few days, he was surprised to see them all show up in *his* mailbox.It seems the poor nervous guy had addressed every invitation with his own address… and put the recipient’s name and address where the return address should go.

On a hot, dusty day a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After dismounting, he walked behind his horse, lifted it’s tail and kissed it where the sun don’t shine. An old man rocking by the general store witnessed the whole thing.

“Whatya do that fer?” he asked.
“Got chapped lips,” the cowboy replied.

The old man asked, “Does that help?”
The cowboy said, “No, but it keeps me from lickin’ ’em.”

A guy did system support in a law firm. One day, he had to log a user off and then back on. He entered her initials and then she gave me her password.Her password was “genius”.After three tries and the system telling him “access denied,” he asked her how to spell it.She said, “G – E – N – I – O – U – S.”

Anything worth doing once will probably have to be done twice.

A man comes up to a woman and says”Do you want
to go do it?” The woman says”Do what?” The man says”Go jump off a brige!

A fellow, who had spent his whole life in the desert, comes to visit a friend. He’d never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears this whistle — Whooee da Whoee! — but doesn’t know what it is. Predictably, he’s hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks. It was only a glancing blow, so he was fortunate to receive some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises. After weeks in the hospital recovering, he’s at his friend’s house attending a party one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what’s happened and asks the desert man, ‘Why’d you ruin my good tea kettle?’ The desert man replies, ‘Man, you gotta kill these things when they’re small.’

Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds” fee on money they already know you don’t have?

If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?

In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

How come there aren’t B batteries?

If the post office has machines that can sort snail mail at 1000’s of times per minute, then why do they give it to a little old man on a bike to deliver?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

How do you know that honesty is the best policy until you have tried some of the others?

How do you throw away a garbage can?

How does a thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold?

What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?

Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?

Why is it that you must wait until night to call it a day?

What if the Hokey Pokey IS what its all about?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

What happened to the first 6 “ups”?

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer – who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket – went in to try out for the job. ‘Okay,’ the sheriff drawled, ‘Gomer, what is 1 and 1?’ ’11’ he replied. The sheriff thought to himself, ‘That’s not what I meant, but he’s right.’ ‘What two days of the week start with the letter ‘T’?’ ‘Today and tomorrow.’ He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. ‘Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?’ Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, ‘I don’t know.’ ‘Well, why don’t you go home and work on that one for a while?’ So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. ‘It went great! First day on the job and I’m already working on a murder case!’

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

“What happened?” asked the hospital visitor of the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.”Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn’t make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn’t see what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view.””And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?” asked the visitor.”Yes.””What did it say?””Don’t stand up in the car!”

• “Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.” — singer Mariah Carey.
• Question: “If you could live forever, would you and why?” Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.” — Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest.
• “Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana… The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can’t remember what they are.” –Matt Lauer on NBC’s Today show, August 22.
• “I haven’t committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.” — David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
• “Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.” — Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.
• “I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.” — Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
• “Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.” — Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
• “Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued… Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976.” — Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid.
• “The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history…this century’s history…We all lived in this century. I didn’t live in this century.” — Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust.
• “Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself.” — Chicago Rotary Club journal, “Gyrator”.
• “The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It’s only the people who make them unsafe.” — Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia.
• “I’ve always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted.” — Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries.
• “After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.” — Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island.
• “The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.” — Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.

Ring Ring…
Hello, who is it?
Is your phone number 13498732?
No.
So, why did you pick up the phone?