Category: jokes for nerds

5-year-old Nicholas was sitting on a department store Santa’s lap and told him, “My name’s the same as yours.”

Santa’s helper blows his cover when he says, “Well, hello, Harold!”

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game,” when we are already there?
Why do your feet smell and your nose runs?
Why do you need an appointment to see a psychic…shouldn’t they already know you’re coming?
Why does it take 15 minutes to cook minute rice?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Why don’t they just use fattest man in the world for a hockey goalie?
Why don�t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why is it called a “building” when it is already built?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman�s chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why was Evelyn Wood in such a hurry?

your blank is big
hi mi name is murry
cool great i suck
mghaz hghjsalanmam
that was mi lil bro
this joke is funy
yo momma is so dumb
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

1. Whats brown and stickey

a stick!
———————————————-
2. Whats big and says bus

a bus!
———————————————-
3. Whats pink and fluffy

pink fluff!

What has four legs and can jump as high as a school building.

A dead horse.

A man comes home to his fathers house for vacation. He comes in the door and steps over the new dog. That night, while eating dinner, the man notices that the dishes are still dirty. So he tells his father.His father replies
“Thats as clean as cold water can get em”
So he just finishes eating, as normal.A week goes by and the man is ready to leave, but the dog is in the way.The old man says
” Get out of the way cold water”

fat fuck u

Sighting #1: I was busy writing some computer program for one of my classes and my roommate asked me if he could use my coffee maker. I said, “sure.” The next thing I hear is, “Hey, where do you put the coffee?” I turn to see that he has filled the filter basket with water and is (unsuccessfully) trying to keep the water in the basket by plugging the hole at the bottom with his finger. He and the floor are both covered with water.

Sighting #2: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?” I said, “If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?” He smiled and nodded knowingly, “That’s why we ask.”

Sighting #3: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, “What on earth are blind people doing DRIVING???”

Sighting #4: At a goodbye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to “rightsizing,” our manager spoke up and said, “This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often.” Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.

Sighting #5: I worked with an Induhvidual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.

Sighting #6 (a rare “double sighting”): A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they’d take up less room. When he told me I was with another friend. She thought it was a good idea too.

Sighting #7 (from Tech Support): Tech Support: “How much free space do you have on your hard drive?” Induhvidual: “Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?”

Sighting #8 (from Tech Support): Induhvidual: Now what do I do? Tech Support: What is the prompt on the screen? Induhvidual: It’s asking for “Enter Your Last Name.” Tech Support: Okay, so type in your last name. Induhvidual: How do you spell that?

The recreational director of a mental hospital wanted to take a well
behaved group of inmates to a baseball game. The General Manager of
the club was a little leery of this. When the Recreational Director
said: “If I prove to you how well behaved they are, will you let
them in?” The General Director agreed.

The group of inmates came in and sat down. The Recreational Director
shouted: “Stand up, nuts!” Everyone stood up. “Sit down, nuts!”
Everyone sat down. “Look behind you, nuts!” Everyone turned around.

Pleased with that, the General Manager let them in. About the third
inning or so, he heard a tremendous commotion! People were running
helter skelter. He asked what happened and was told that someone had
called out: “Peanuts!”

Once there was this guy that went skydiving.After he jumped out of the plane, he discovers his parachute is broken. His companion says: “Yeh wanna race,eh?”

What do u see when the pillsberry doughboy bends over?
~His doughnuts~

Ok this idiot of the first order is invited for a game of golf for the first time, while in another country.

He’s totally enamoured with the golf ball because he’s never seen anything like it before so he carries like, 30 of them back home to give away as souveniers.

While passing through the customs on his way back, the customs officer who’s perhaps a bigger idiot than this guy, notices his pockets bulging with all these golf balls and can’t figure it out. So he asks our man, “What the hell is all this?!”

To which he replies, “Oh they’re just golf balls.”
So the customs officer goes, “Oh oh! You mean like tennis elbow?”