Category: jokes for nerds

Q:why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A:he was dead
Q:why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
A:he was stapled to the first monkey
Q:why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
A:he was stapled to the second monkey?
Q:why did the fourth monkey fall out of the tree?
A:monkey see monkey do
Q:why did the fifth monkey fall out of the tree?
A:peer pressure

If you went up to the smartest man on the face of the earth when it comes to math and asked him: How many brains does Jordan Ferraira have?
he’d only be able to answer like this: No one knows that!!!!! Hes way to stupid! you cant cont that low its, Its just not possible its less than -999,999,999,999,999,999,999!!!

Two local men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County Deputy Davey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center.

The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole’s pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column.

Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded on east-bound toward the White River Bridge. After traveling approximately 20 miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right exiting the pavement and striking the tree.

Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released.

“Thank God we weren’t on that bridge when Thurston shot his nuts off or we might have been dead”, stated Wallis.

“I’ve been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can’t believe that those two would admit how the accident happened,” said Snyder.

Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole’s wife asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck.

A guy enters a drugstore and lights up a cigar.

The owner, a bit outraged, says “Sir, please refrain from smoking here, it is a public place..”

A bit bewildered, the guy answers “But it is only yesterday I bought those cigars here.”

The owner quietly replies : “Irrelevant, sir, we also sell condoms here!”

A lady is driving on the highway and also kniting and there is a policemen and notices that she is kniting so he says pullover and the lady says no actully its a cartigen.

A man (If you like, a blond) who often travels by plane calculates the probability of there being a bomb on any given flight. It’s low, but not low enough, so the man always carries a bomb in his suitcase knowing that he’ll be safe.After all, the odds of two bombs on a flight are almost impossible!——BONUS JOKE VARIATION!!!A man went to a hunting shop and asked if he could buy one bullet. The clerk thought for a second and said, sure, why not. The man gets his bullet and takes out a pen and meticulously inscribes his name on the bullet. The clerk, watching this says, “hey buddy, why’d you write on your bullet?””Well, they say there’s a bullet out there with my name on it, so I figured I’d better keep track of it!”

T-Shirt of the future #385:

“Mom and Dad went to Alpha Centauri and all I
got was this lousy T-shirt”

This guy walks into a store,
Guy: Can I buy that ass.
Clerk: You mean the Bass.
Guy: Ya the ass.
Guy: Can I also get the fucket.
Clerk: You mean the bicket.
Guy: Ya the fucket.
Guy: Last can I get the cocket-spank it
Clerk: You mean the Cocker Spanial.
Guy: Ya that.
The guy buys the things until the Cocker Spanial ran off.
Guy: Oh No can you hold my ass and fucket while I go get my cocket-spank it.

In a village a long time ago there lived a people called Nids, they were midgets. Every day the Nids went into the fields to farm. But every day a giant would wander though the fields kicking the Nids. So, one day the Nids finally got fed up and went to the town Rabbi for advice. The Rabbi said not to worry and that he’d handle it. So, one day the Rabbi went into the fields dressed as a Nid. Eventually, the giant showed up for his usual routine of kicking the Nids. But when the giant reached the Rabbi he just stepped over him and continued along his way. The Rabbi wondered about this and chased after the giant and yelled, “Hey! I’m a Nid! Why didn’t you kick me?” The giant simply replied, “Silly Rabbi! Kicks are for Nids!”

1st man: I woke up this morning and felt so bad that I tried to kill myself by taking a thousand aspirin.

2nd man: Oh really, what happened?

1st man: After the first two, I felt better.

From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.”Who is it?” a passenger asks the captain.”I’ve no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts.”

Another exciting episode of “Stupid Criminals” or “The gene pool definitely needs chlorine.”

• Investigating a purse snatching, Brunswick, Georgia, detectives picked up a man who fit the thief’s description and drove him back to the scene. He was told to exit the car and face the victim for an I.D. The suspect dutifully eyed the victim, and blurted, “Yeah, that’s the woman I robbed.”
• In Nashville, they tell of Fred “Junior” Williams, the burglar who fell asleep on the sofa of the home he was robbing, only to be awakened by police.
• In Thibodaux, Louisiana, a robber with a thick Cajun accent couldn’t get restaurant patrons to understand his demand for money. Frustrated,he whipped out his gun, but it wouldn’t fire. Grabbing the cash register, he ran — but got only three feet before falling down. The register was still plugged into the wall. Unplugging it, he tried again, but a diner decked him and called police.
• In Rhode Island, cops were sure they had the right guy when the suspect in a string of coin-machine thefts paid his $400 bail entirely in quarters.
• Texas authorities, responding to a store robbery, seized a man who was fleeing naked. He said he’d stripped after the job because he figured his clothes would make him identifiable.
• In Lawrence, Kansas, officers tracked a midnight thief who prided himself on his running speed by following the red lights on his high-tech tennis shoes.
• In Virginia, a janitor went to great lengths to avoid I.D. in a 7-Eleven robbery, using a ski mask and rental car for the occasion. But he also wore his work uniform, which said “Cedar Woods Apartments” and had his name, Dwayne, stitched across the front.