Category: jokes for nerds

Two morons go duck hunting. After several hours they still haven’t got any ducks. One of the hunters looks at the other and says, “I don’t get it. Why aren’t we getting any ducks?”

His friend says, “I keep telling you, I just don’t think we’re throwing the dog high enough.”

Tech Support for Etch-A-Sketch�

Question: My Etch-A-Sketch has a distorted display.
Answer: Pick it up and shake it.

Question: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines
all over the screen.
Answer: Pick it up and shake it.

Question: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
Answer: Pick it up and shake it.

Question: My Etch-A-Sketch has lines that prevent me from doing
my art project.
Answer: Pick it up and shake it.

Question: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
Answer: Pick it up and shake it.

Question: How do I keep from losing my Etch-A-Sketch documents
in the middle of my work?
Answer: Stop shaking it.

The Rookie Cop…

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.

The rookie rolled down his window and said, “Let’s get off the corner people.”
A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again…
“I SAID, let’s get off that corner… NOW!”

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, “Well, how did I do?”

Pretty good,” chuckled the vet, “especially since this is a bus stop!”

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal, they lay down and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see!”

“I see millions of stars,” Watson said. “What does that tell you?” Holmes asked.

Watson replied. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful. Meteorologically, I suspect we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?”

“Watson, you idiot,” he said. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

A college couple is under a tree on campus making out. After a while, the girl says, “I wish you had a flashlight.”

He says, “Why’s that?”

She says, “Because you’ve been eating grass for fifteen minutes.”

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, “I’m Stupid”. That way you wouldn’t rely on them, would you? You wouldn’t ask them anything. It would be like, “Excuse me…oops, never mind. I didn’t see your sign.”It’s like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says “Hey, you moving?” “Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here’s your sign.”A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big ‘ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, “Hey, y’all catch all them fish?” “Nope -Talked ’em into giving up. Here’s your sign.”I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there’s only one way to test it. “Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good… They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you.” “Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don’t wanna lose it.”Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, “Tire go flat?” I couldn’t resist. said, “Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here’s your sign.”We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, “Darn that’s hot!” See? If he’d been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn’t ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn’t get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning..ok..no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign…until he asked “So..is your truck stuck?” I couldn’t help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said “no I’m delivering’ a bridge…here’s your sign.”I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said “Are you still here?” I replied, “No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here’s your sign.”

A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him. ‘Let’s see yer fishin’ license, Boy!’ the Warden gasped. With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. ‘Well, son,’ said the Game Warden, ‘you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don’t have to run from me if you have a valid license!’ ‘Yes, sir,’ replied the young guy, ‘but my friend back there, well, he don’t have one.’

Q:Why did the monkey fall off the tree?

A:Because he let go lol (laugh out loud)

My dumb cousin was driving down the highway to Disneyland when he saw a sign that said “DISNEYLAND LEFT.” After thinking for a minute, he said to himself, “Oh, well!” and turned around and drove home.

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda’s eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she’d been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

Three children were being tutored, Billy Blue, William Orange and Fanny Green. One day, the tutor stopped and asked the children what they wanted to be when they grew up. Billy Blue said, “I want to be a milkman.” William Orange said, “I want to be a postman”. Fanny Green said “I want to be a stripper.” The tutor was obviously shocked but thought, fair enough,.Years later, Billy Blue and William Orange met up. Billy was a milkman and William was a postman. They decided to go to a stripper club. After a few minutes Billy said, “O my God, is that Fanny Green?” William replied, “Nah, it’s just the lighting”

It’s 8:00 AM at a gambling casino. There are two guys waiting at the dice table for additional competition. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The other two agree.She says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m not wearing underwear.” With that she strips naked from the waste down. She then rolls the dice while yelling, “Momma needs a new pair of pants! YES! I WIN!”With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The other two just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asks, “What did she roll anyway?”The other answers, “I don’t know. I thought you were watching the dice!”