Category: jokes for nerds

you so stupid that you threw a rock in the ground and missed.

you so stupid that you saw osama and said “daddy you’re home””.

you so stupid that you think michel jackson is you mommy

you so stupid that your idol is your butt

you so stupid that your dad asked for mom and you went to look for her in E-bay

“

This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.
He says to the clerk, “I’d like to register my new invention. It’s a folding bottle.”

“OK,” says the clerk. “What do you call it?”
“A fottle, replies the inventor.”
“A fottle? That’s a stupid! Can’t you think of something else?”

“I can think about it. I’ve got something else though. It’s a folding carton.”
“And what do you call that?” asks the clerk.

“A farton”, replies the inventor.
“That’s rude. You can’t possibly call it that!”

“In that case,” says the inventor…
“You’re really going to hate the name of my folding bucket.”

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver’s license?
Driver: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?
Driver: It’s not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There’s a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who’s car is this?
Driver: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there’s a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove-box, and that there was a body in the trunk?

Driver: Yeah, and I’ll bet the big liar told you I was speeding too!

Idiocy in the Computer World

When I worked for a company that had a contract with 3M, 3M had asked me to write them a memo describing why we were having problems with diskette failures. I said in the memo that the disks were failing due to head crashes. “If the customers would just clean their heads periodically, we wouldn’t have these problems,” I said in the memo. One customer responded with “What kind of shampoo do you recommend?”

An end-user hotline received a call about a bad software disk. They asked the customer to make a copy of the disk and mail it in to the hotline. A few days later, they received a letter with a mimeographed copy of the disk. Since it was a double-sided disk, both sides of the disk had been Xeroxed.

A Computer Operator says as she is lifting an RP06 disk pack from the drive: “Gee, how much does one of these weigh?”

Me: “It depends on how much data is on the disk.

The operator believed it.

I had a similar experience while working as a student operator at Michigan Tech. One particularly trying afternoon, the computer was merrily crashing for a number of reasons. After about four such spectacles, we broadcast that the computer would be down for the remainder of the afternoon. There was a resigned groan from the users and they began to file out of the Center, except for one comely young woman with wide blue eyes who wandered up to the counter and queried: “What’s wrong with the computer?”

Too tired and irritated to give her a straight answer, I looked her straight in the eye and replied: “Broken muffler belt.”

A look of deep concern wafted into her expression as she asked: “Oh, that’s bad. Can you call Midas?”

A few excerpts from the Computer Help Desk:

Caller: “What’s the name for when you’re entering data into the computer?”
HD: “Data Entry.”
Caller: “Thank you!”

Overheard in a student computer lab:
Client (raising hand and waving frantically): “The computer says ‘Enter your name and press RETURN. ‘What do I do??”
Lab Assistant: “Enter your name and press RETURN.”
Client (as if a revelation has struck): “Oh!”

Theres these 3 people on a plane the president of the United States a boy and a priest the plane is about to crash there are only 2 parashots the prsident said i should go im the smartest in the world. So the priset said you go kid i had a good life no u go no u go kid we can both go the stupid ass president took my book bag.

Scientists think that equations approximate the real world.
Engineers think that the real world approximates equations.
Mathematicians are unable to make the connection…

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class. ‘In English,’ he explained, ‘a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However,’ the professor continued, ‘there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.’ A voice from the back of the room piped up. ‘Yeah, right.’

A doctor came to the mental hospital to visit his patients. In one of the rooms, he saw a man walking around, dragging a toothbrush on a leash.

The doctor asked the man: “What are you doing, walking the dog?”
The man replied: “Oh no, I’m just dragging my toothbrush on a leash.”

The doctor left the room amazed, thinking how many normal people end up in mental institutions…
And the man said to his toothbrush: “Ha, Fifi, we tricked him!”

A young wife, her boorish husband and a good-looking sailor were ship-wrecked on an island and had already been there for awhile.

One morning the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled – “Stop fucking her down there!”

“What’s the matter with you?” asked the husband after the sailor came back down. “We weren’t doing anything.”

“Sorry,” said the sailor. “from up there it looked like you were.”

Every morning after that, the sailor scaled the small tree and yelled the same thing. Finally, the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.

“By golly, he’s right,” said the husband. “It DOES look like they’re fucking down there!”

There were two guys sitting in a plane. The one guy says lets play a game, I’ll ask you a question if you get it right I give you 5 dollars.

So the other guy says fine if you get it right, I give you 50 dollars, if you get it wrong you give me 5.

The guy says ok.

He asks him what his name was the guy didn’t know it so he payed him 5 dollars.

So the other guy asks what goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes down with 4.

He thinks and thinks but doesn’t know so he pays him 50 dollars.

He asks what does go up ahill with 3 legs and comes down with 4.

The guy hands him 5 dollars.

a scientist doing experiment on a grasshopper. he first cut off the two front legs,then barked “jump!!!” the grasshopper did. He then again cut the other pair of legs and again commanded “jump!!!” and again the grasshopper did. finally he cut off the last remaining legs. and again shouted to the poor creature “Jump!!!” the insect did not flinch, after trying several time, the grasshopper did not budged, he made his final conclusion.

“grasshoppers, when all of its legs are cut off becomes DEAF !!!”

This guy calls in to complain that he gets an “Access Denied” message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his user name and password in capital letters.Tech Support: “OK, let’s try once more, but use lower case letters.”Customer: “Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard.”