Category: jokes for nerds

14> Routinely outsmarted by cheese13> Three experts short of an antitrust suit12> Three-time Darwin Award winner11> Keeps her brain in mint condition10> A few planets short of a federation 9> Backstreet Boy in a Talking Heads world 8> Duh! on parade 7> Still cutting with rounded scissors 6> He’s a T-1 line of pure stupid 5> At least one Brady short of a Bunch 4> Sharp as a donut 3> Has a vacancy at the Grey Matter Motel 2> T minus dumb and counting 1> “Good afternoon, Boulder Homicide”

Operator, operator, call me an ambulance!!! Okay, sir, you’re an ambulance!

there were three guys riding in a car. all of thier names were crap,shutup,and manners.
they all got out of the car and crap got out and trip over a rock and manners stayed with him while shutup went looking for help.
finally he found a cop and the cop said what is your name son and he said shutup.and then the cop said what is yer name son on last time.and then he said shutup. then the cop said were is yer manners and then he said down the road picking up crap.

“Actual” Personal Ads

* Bitter, unsuccessful middle aged loser wallowing in an unending sea of inert, drooping loneliness looking for 24 year old needy leech-like hanger-on to abuse with dull stories, tired sex and Herb Alpert albums. Baby, you are my Tijuana Taxi.

* Me — trying to sleep on the bus station bench, pleading with you to give me a cigarette; you — choking on my odor, tripping over your purse tryingto get away; at the last moment, our eyes meeting. Yours were blue. Can I have a dollar?

* Imp and angel. Disembodied head in jar, 24, seeks pixie goddess to fiddle with while Rome burns. You bring marshmallows. No. I make joke. You like laugh? I like comebacks and confessions. Send photo of someone else.

* Three toed mango peeler searching for wicked lesbian infielder. Like screaming and marking territory with urine? Let’s make banana enchiladas together in my bathtub. You bring the salsa.

* I like eating mayonnaise and peanut butter sandwiches in the rain, watching Barney Miller reruns, peeing on birds in the park and licking strangers on the subway; you eat beets raw, have climbed Kilimanjaro, and sweat freely and often. Must wear size five shoes.

* There is a little place in the jumbled sock drawer of my heart where you match up all the pairs, throw out the ones with holes in them, and buy me some of those neat dressy ones with the weird black and red geometrical designs on them.

* Mmmm Pez! Rabid Wonder Woman fan looking for someone in satin tights, fighting for our rights and the old red, white ‘n blue. You look like Linda Carter? Big plus. Know all words to theme song? Marry me.

* Remember that summer you spent with your parents in Hawaii and how mad you were that they made you go? And how you were hopelessly bored until you saw the most gorgeous man you’d ever encountered strolling down the beach looking at you, skillfully removing your skimpy bikini with his piercing eyes? And how you spent the last month imagining him taking you in every possible way, masturbating feverishly day and night, wishing he would reappear, but he never did because you were 15 and he would have gone to jail? That was me, and you just turned 18.

* Angry, simple-minded, balding, partially blind ex-circus flipper boy with a passion for covering lovers in sour cream and gravy seeks exotic, heavily tattooed piercing fanatic, preferably hairy and stinky, either sex, for whippings, bizarre sex and fashion consulting. No freaks.

What do you call a white boy in a dumpster ?

A:white trash

One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever.

The diver went below another 20 ft, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set, and wrote, “How the hell are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?”

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote –

“I’M DROWNING, YOU MORON!!!”

Support your local scientist. Invest in chemical bonds.

A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against … get this …fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in “a series of small fires.” The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued… and won.

In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be unacceptable fire,” it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge’s ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in “the fires.” After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested … on 24 counts of arson.

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.

A German, an Italian, and a goofy American were trying to get into the stadium at the Sydney Olympics, but the seats were all sold out. The enterprising German stripped down to his shorts and undershirt, picked up a cane fishing pole in a nearby alley, and marched right in stating boldly, “Heinrich Schneider, Germany, Pole Vault.”Noting the ease of entry, the Italian took off his outer garments, grabbed a large round stone, then just as boldly strode in the gate, announcing, “Pasquale Galento, Italy, Shot Put.”Not to be outdone, the American guy took off all but his BVD’S, went into a nearby hardward store were he purchased some barb-wire. As he approached the gate the American spoke out confidently, “Hans Dumbkopfski, USA,, Fencing.”

ya mamas so fat when she went bunnge jummping she went strait to hell

Two men are having an arguement one says thats the sun the other says no thats the moon no thats the sun no thats the moon along comes an Irish man the two stop him please mate help us solve this arguement i say that up there is the sun this guy says no thats the moon could you tell us what it is sorry guys but i am not from around these areas replies the Irish man.

Theres a woman on the beach with no arms and no legs…..She starts crying. A man walks over to her and says Miss whats wrong?….She says i have no arms and no legs and i have never been hugged. So he picks her up and gives her a hug…..He walks off and she starts crying again. He walks back over and says whats wrong now?.. she says i have no arms and no legs and i have never been kissed….SO he picks her up and kisses her and lays her back down. He walks off and she starts crying again. He walks over and says now whats wrong.?..She says i have no arms and no legs and i have never been screwed…So he picks her up and throws her in the ocean and says now your screwed!