Category: jokes for nerds

Two goober hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.

“Hey, I don’t want to tell you how to do something… but I can tell you that it’s much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won’t dig into the ground.”

After the third hunter left, the two goobers decided to try it.

A little while later one said to the other, “You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!”

“Yeah,” the other added, “but we’re getting farther away from the truck….”

Walt Disney is in suspended animation.

Three Wishes

This guy was walking along the beach in Malibu when he came across this salt-encrusted piece of metal. He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. Lo and behold it was a very old oil lamp. The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris when “poof” a genie appeared.

This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed of the lamp that he granted the guy three wishes.

“I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates, ” says the guy. The genie wasn’t sure who Bill Gates was until the guy told him to check Forbes magazine. When the genie called up Forbes from inside the lamp he learned that Bill Gates was indeed the richest man in the world.

“Guy,” the genie said, “You will forever be a dollar richer than Bill Gates. What’s your second wish.”

“Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire engine red, on board GPS and the finest audio system ever installed in an automobile.”

“That’s easy, Guy,” says the genie. He waves his hand and best car anybody had ever seen pops out of the lamp. The genie then asks the guy for his third wish.

The guy mulls the problem over and over. A girl– nah, with billions and billions of dollars he certainly had become a chick magnet. World peace? Only wackos want that. The guy found a reason not to wish for anything that came to his mind.

“Genie,” the guy said, “I can’t think of anything now. May I save the third wish for later.”

“Gee, this is most unusual. But you hold the hammer, I can’t escape from this lamp until you make a third wish. Call me when you’re ready,” and whoosh the genie disappears into the lamp.

The guy carefully picks up the now-ever-so- valuable lamp and places it in the trunk of the fire engine red Porsche. He turns the radio on to balance the sounds and makes all the other adjustments needed to get his great audio system customized to his ears.

After that, he pulled off the beach and headed south along the Pacific Coast Highway. Soon he was up to 60, then 70, then
80. The Porsche handled perfectly. The guy was so happy that he began to sing along with the familiar commercial on the radio.

“Oh, I wish I was an Oscar-Mayer Wiener ….

Why did the chicken cross the road???

Well you probably already know the answer to this one…

The Top 11 Things Uttered by Yoda While Making Love

11. “Ahhh! Yoda’s little friend you seek!”
10. “Urm. Put a shield on my saber I must.”
9. “Feel the force!”
8. “Foreplay, cuddling – a Jedi craves not these things.”
7. “Down here, I am. Find a ladder, I must!”
6. “Do me or do me not-there is no try.”
5. “Early must I rise. Leave now you must!”
4. “Happens to every guy sometimes this does.”
3. “When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too, hmmmmm?”
2. “Ow, ow, OW! On my ear you are!”
1. “Who’s your Jedi master? Who’s your Jedi Master?”

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out… a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her.
Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn’t shown up. After a half an hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did midair flips, and leaped high in the air.
She spoke to the other bum and said, “What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!”

The other bum says, “Well, I dunno. Let me ask him –
HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?”

An english, irish and scottish man all admitted to a mental hospital.the doctor came around to check if they are well enough to leave.
The first patient he came to was the english man and he found he was throwing his arms up and down in the air. he asks “what on earth are you doing?” the english man replies “taking the stars out of the sky!” so the doctor replies “your staying put”.
The next patient he came to was the scottish man and he found he to was throwing his arms up and down in the air, he asks “wot are you doing?” the scottish man replies “putting the stars back up into the sky!” so the doctor replies your staying put”.
the next patient he came to was the irish man and he found him on the floor sitting up making car noises, he asks “wot in gods name are you doing?” the irish man replies “im getting the fuck out of here, everyones gone fucking mental”.

Morris and Becky were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy and the couple took him without hesitation. On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?” The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”

What is the definition of a cyber slut?

A girl who types well with just one hand.

The FORCE is looking for a few good men.

At the movie theater there was a man laying across two seats. The usher comes down and says “Excuse me sir but you can only use one seat, I’m going to have to ask you to move.” The man just grunts. The usher says again “Sir, if you don’t move I will have to call the manager.” Again the man just grunts. So the usher goes to get the manager. the manager says “Sir, if you don’t move I will have to call the police, so I suggest you move”. But once again the man only grunts. So the manager calls the police. The police come and say to the man “OK, what’s your name?” The man replies “Joe” Then the police officer says “And Joe, where did you come from?” The man painfully answers, “the balcony”

Two stupid farmers had this mule that was a very hard worker. The only problem was every time they went to put the mule back in his stall, his ears would brush the top of the entrance and then the old mule would go nuts and kick everything. One day, the farmers decided to cut a opening in the top to prevent this from happening. While they were working, a neighbor stopped by and asked what they were doing, so they explained the problem. The neighbor suggested that they could save a lot of work and time if they simply took a shovel and dug the entrance down a little bit. The farmers thanked their neighbor and he drove off. Then the one farmer said to the other, ‘Some stupid neighbor we have, it’s not his feet that’s too long, it’s his ears!’