Category: jokes for nerds

There are two monkeys in a bath one goes oooooooooohhhhhaaaaaa! The other one says put somebloody cold water in the bloody bath stupid monkey!!!

True extracts from UK Insurance Claim forms; These are NEW (mostly), and were collected by Norwich Union for their annual Christmas magazine.

“I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.”

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“I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.”

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Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?

A: Traveled by bus?

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This Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:

Q – What warning was given by you?

A – Horn

Q – What warning was given by the other party?

A – Moo

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“I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard.”

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“On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.”

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“I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control.”

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“I didn’t think the speed limit applied after midnight”

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“I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk.”

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Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature?

A: I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan.

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“First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car.”

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“Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo.”

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“The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again”

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“I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.”

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“The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.”

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“I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way”

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“A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face”

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“A pedestrian hit me and went under my car”

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“In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.”

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“I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not seethe other car.”

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“I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.”

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“To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian.”

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“My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.”

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“An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.”

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“I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.”

Man: Did you kill that mole in my garden?Gardener: Yes sir, i didMan: Good, i hope you disposed of the bodyGardener: I did sir, i buried him alive

a = b
a*a = b*a
a*a – b*b = b*a – b*b
(a-b)*(a+b) = b(a-b)
a+b = b
b+b = b
2b = b
2 = 1

Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are
smaller than the both of ’em put together.

A dirty joke: A clean man fell in the mud.A clean joke: He went inside and took a bath with bubbles.A dirty joke: Bubbles is the girl next door!

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for Forensic Science, AAFS President Don Harper Mills astounded his audience in San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death.

Here is the story. “On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound of the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency).

As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter no the decedent was aware that a safety net had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window washers and that Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide anyway because of this.”

“Ordinarily,” Dr. Mills continued, “a person who sets out to commit suicide ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended. That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to homicide. But the fact that his suicidal intent would not have been successful caused the medical examiner to feel that he had homicide on his hands.

“The room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing and he was threatening her with the shotgun. He was so upset that, when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the a window striking Opus. “When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with this charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her – therefore, the killing of Opus appeared to be an accident. That is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.

“The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple’s son loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal incident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son’s financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus. There was an exquisite twist. “Further investigation revealed that the son had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother’s murder.

This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a ninth story window. [Yup, the son was Ronald Opus] “The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.”

a man is walking through the park one day when he sees an old man sitting on a park bench crying. He approaches him and says
“you alright mate wats wrong?”
“is your pension not through yet?”
the old man sobbing replies
“no im a millionaire money is no object to me”
the man then asks him,
“is it your health thats making you sad?”
the old man replies
“no im fit as a flea, i run ten miles every day”
The man nods knowingly and says
“aagh i know whats wrong with you.. its women trouble?”
the old man mystifies him by replying
“no i have a gorgeous 21 year old wife waiting on me at home!”
the man then stops, “wait a minute” he says “your totally minted, you have a stunning wife and are in peak physical condition! what the hell are you crying about?”
the old man bursts into tears again and says
“i cant remember where i live!!!”

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to
take one item with them to help them occupy their time while
incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, “So, what did you
bring?”

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he
intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the
“Grandma Moses of Jail”.

Then he asked the first, “What did you bring?”

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, “I brought
cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games.”

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself.
The other two took notice and asked, “Why are you so smug? What did
you bring?”

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, “I brought
these!”

The other two were puzzled and asked, “What on earth can you do with
those?”

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, “Well according to the
box.. I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating….”

Bob and Ray walking down the street. Bob said, “Hey, Look at that dog with one eye!” So Ray said, “Okay!” and covered up one of his eyes!!

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with
a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest possible
amount of fence.

The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a
circle and
then puts the fence around them, declaring, “A circle will use the least
fence for a given area, so this is the best solution.”

The physicist is
next. She creates a circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep,
and then draws the fence tight around the herd, declaring, “This will
give the
smallest circular fence around the herd.”

The mathematician is last.
After
giving the problem a little thought, he puts a small fence around
himself and then declares, “I define myself to be on the outside!”

Q: Why did Captain Hook die? A: Because he wiped his ass.