Category: jokes for nerds

White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.

A secret agent was sent to Ireland to pick up some very sensitive information from an agent called Murphy. His instructions were to walk around town using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent. He found himself on a desolate country road and finally ran into a farmer.”Hello, said the agent, “I’m looking for a man called Murphy.””Well you’re in luck,” said the farmer, “as it happens, there’s a village right over the hill, where there’s a butcher called Murphy, the baker is named Murphy, three widows are called Murphy. In fact my name is Murphy.””Aha,” thought the agent, “here’s my man.” So he whispered the secret code. “The sun is shining…the grass is growing…the cows are ready for milking.””Oh,” said the farmer, “you’re looking for Murphy the spy – he’s in the village over the other direction.”

A man lay spread out over three seats in the second row of a movie theater.

As he lay there breathing heavily, an usher came over and said, “That’s very rude of you, sir, taking up three seats. Didn’t you learn any manners! Where did you come from?”

The man looked up helplessly and said, “The balcony!”

There is no difference between theory and practice in theory, but there is
often a great deal of difference between theory and practice in practice.

A quick witted astronaut, Dwight,
When asked about his upcoming flight,
Did he have worry one
‘Bout landing on the sun ?
“Heck no, we’re landing at night!”

three people are at the top of a wish mountain. on this wish mountain as u slide down whatever u wish 4 comes true. the first guy slides down and wishes he was rich. he gets to the bottom and lands in a pot of gold. the second guy slides down and wishes for a trip to hawaii. when he gets to the bottom he is in hawaii. The third slides down. on the way down he is havin so much fun he screams “WEEEEEEEEE!” when he gets t3 the bottom he lands in a puddle of wee (piss).

Police in George, WA issued a report on the events leading up to the deaths of Ro`ert Uhlenake (24) and his friend, Ormond D. Young (27) at the Metallica concert last Friday. Uhlenake and Young were found dead at the Gorge Amphitheater after the show. Uhlenake was in pickup that was on top of Young at the bottom of a 20 ft drop. Young was found with severe lacerations, numerous fractures, contusions, and a branch in his anal cavity. He also had been stabbed and his pants were in a tree above him, some 15 ft off the ground; adding to the mystery of the heretofore unexplained scene.

According to Commissioner-In-Charge Inoye Appleton, Uhlenake and Young had tried to get tickets for the sold-out concert. When they were unable to get any tickets, the two decided to stay in the lot and drink. Once the show began, and after the two had consumed 18 beers between the two of them, they hit upon the idea of scaling the 7 foot wooden security fence around the perimeter of the site and sneak in. They apparently moved the truck up to the edge of the fence and decided that Young would go over first and assist Uhlenake later.

They had not counted on the fact that while it was a 7 foot fence on the parking lot side, there was a 23 foot drop on the other side. Young, who weighed 255 lbs and was quite inebriated, had jumped up and over the fence and promptly fell about half the 23 foot distance before a large tree branch broke his fall AND his left forearm; unfortunately, he also managed to get his shorts caught on the branch. Since he was now in a lot of pain and with no way to extricate himself and his shorts from the tree, he decided, seeing bushes down below, to cut his shorts off and fall to the ground. Upon cutting the last bit of fabric from himself, he suddenly plummeted to earth, losing grip of the knife.

The “soft” bushes were actually holly bushes and landing in them caused a massive number of cuts. He also had the misfortune of landing squarely on a holly bush branch; effectively impaling himself. The knife, which he had accidentally released 15 ft up, now landed and stabbed him in his left thigh. Apparently, he was in a lot of pain. Enter his friend Robert. Uhlenake had apparently observed the last bit of this and, despite his inebriated state, realized that Young was in trouble. He hit upon the idea of lowering a rope to his friend and pull him up and over the fence.

This was complicated by the fact that Uhlenake was outweighed by his friend `y a good 100 lbs. Again, despite his state he realized he could use their truck to pull Young out. Unfortunately, because of his state, Uhlenake put the truck in reverse, rather than drive, broke through the fence, landed on Young (killing him), was thrown out of the truck and subsequently died of internal injuries. “So that’s how a dead 255 lb man with no pants on, with a truck on top of him and a stick up his ass came to be” said Commissioner Appleton.

Roland Tough, 22, dropped off a roll of film to be developed at a Tesco supermarket in England. When employees looked at the resulting prints, they recognized the men in the photos as the thieves who had robbed the store two weeks before, now posing with their loot from the robbery. Police arrested Tough when he came back to pick up his pictures. He said he had taken the photos to “show friends in prison how well he was doing.”

A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he’s in serious financial trouble. He’s so desperate he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray…”God, please help me. I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto.”Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.Joe again prays…”God, please let me win the lotto! I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well.”Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.Once again, he prays…”My God, why have you forsaken me?? I’ve lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don’t often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order.”Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself: “Joe, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket.”

you are so stupid:

1.you starved to death in a grociery store.
2.you put lipstick on your forehead just to make up your mind.
3.when you picked up a stray dog you called it kitty.

I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large new motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in “Twister.”

I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich!

Roscoe and his friend went moose hunting every year without success.Finally, they came up with what they hoped was a foolproof plan. They acquired a very authentic moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then jump out of the costume and shoot the bull.Setting themselves upon the edge of a clearing in their costume, they began to give the moose “call o’love”. Before too long their call was answered by a bull moose some distance away. They called again, and the bull answered from somewhere closer. Again they called, and again the bull answered. Soon he came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.As the bull’s pounding hoofbeats got closer, the friend in the front said, “O.K.! Lets get out and shoot him!”After a moment that seemed like an eternity Roscoe who’s in the rear half of the costume shouted, “THE ZIPPER IS STUCK! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?”The friend in the front replied, “Well, I know what I’m going to do. I’m going to start nibbling grass, but you better brace yourself.”