Category: jokes for nerds

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his system upset. Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest was another, and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard, who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, “What the hell was that all about?”

Still staring down, the drunk replied, “I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost!”

3 robbers decide to break into a bank.
They get their big money sacks ready then they break into the bank. However, instead of seeing great big piles of cash they see little safes. They shrug and break into the safes.

‘Hang on,’ says one robber ‘since when did a bank sell milk puddings?’

They shrugged and began to scoff all the milk puddings, then they went home on a full stomach.

Next morning the news headline is: Sperm bank robbed!

Once, there were three guys stranded on an island, and the mainland was 100 miles away.
The first guy swam 25 miles, and drowned.
The second guy swam 50 miles, and drowned.
The third guy swam 99 miles, and said,”I’m tired. I think I’ll swim back.”

Gerrold’s Laws of Infernal Dynamics:

1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.

2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.

3) The energy required to change either one of these states will
always be more than you wish to expend, but never so
much as to make the task totally impossible.

One Day A fat Redneck walks into a bar And Orders a Beer. Once the bartender Brings him his beer He stands up and Pisses in it. The Bartender Perplexed ask “Why did u piss in ur beer”. The man Replies This isnt my Drink. The Bartender says “o playing a prank eh”? The guy Replies “Ya” Ive put gold in the bottom of the class”. “Gold? the Bartender says Thats not urine”? Quickly the bartender swoops down the drink. and is dissapointed not to find gold. The man smiles And hands the Bartender a note. “Toldya I was playing a prank u dumbass”.

Stressed out…try some of these relaxing tidbits 🙂

1. Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
(This one is great to teach neices and nephews!)

2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa bill.
(Even better to call after doing it and say you didn’t authorize it and want to know what the hell is going on!)

3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
(This one keeps cats and men occupied for awhile.)

4. When someone says “Have a nice day” tell them you have other plans.
(Like going the store to stock up on ammunition maybe?)

5. Get a box of condoms. Wait in line at the check-out counter and ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are.
(And if she’s cute, always ask if assistance is available.)

6. Dance naked in front of your pets.
(Not recommended for anyone with a pet Gorilla.)

7. Put your toddler’s clothes on backwards, and send him/her off to school as if nothing is wrong.
(You can get real creative here…especially if you put a dress on your son.)

8. Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages.
(Trust me…they’re in there! I found 70 in just the A’s!)

On a clean disk you can seek forever.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said,’Watson, look up. What do you see?’ ‘Well, I see thousands of stars.”And what does that mean to you?’ ‘Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?”To me, it means someone has stolen our tent.’

Billie and Tillie were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”

The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him!”

Bob: Can you see farther during the day or at night?
Joe: During the day of course.
Bob: Wrong! During the day you can only see the sun but at night you can
see the stars.

A father takes his deaf mute son to the Godfather…..Father: Godfather my boy is a good boy but he can’t get a job because he’s a deaf mute.Godfather: I will give him a job as a bag man. He will pick up the money from my bookies and bring it back here. he doesn’t have to talk to anybody. Two weeks go by and the Father is grabbed off the street brought to theGodfathers office. His Son is sitting in a chair all beat up.Godfather: $50,000.00 is missing, ask your Son where it is. The Father: turns to the boy and in sign language says….”What did you do? Where is the money? they are going to kill you!Son: (in sign language) I don’t know anything about the moneyFather: Godfather my Son is a good boy. He says he didn’t steal any moneyGodfather: Pulls a gun from his drawer and lays it on the desk and says…”ask him again” The Father: (in sign language) This guy is serious, he’s going to kill you! where is the money?Son: (in sign language) I honestly dad I don’t have any moneyFather: Godfather my Son says he doesn’t have your money, Please believe him.Godfather: Puts the gun to the boys head, pulls the hammer back, and says…”ask him one last time” The Father: (in sign language) He’s going to kill you for sure , for you mother’s sake please ,WHERE IS THE MONEY?Son: (in sign language) all right , all right its in a shoe box in the attic under moms wedding dress!Father: Godfather my Son says GO TO HELL!

Higher intellects seek lower forms of amusement.