Category: jews

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious
wedding, meets with their rabbi for counseling. The rabbi asks
if they have any last questions before they leave. The man asks,
“Rabbi, we realize it’s tradition for men to dance with men and
women to dance with women at the reception. But, we’d like your
permission to dance together.”

“Absolutely not,” says the rabbi. “It’s immodest. Men and women
always dance separately.”

“So after the ceremony I can’t even dance with my own wife?”

“No,” answered the rabbi. “It’s forbidden.”

“Well, okay,” says the man, “What about sex? Can we finally have
sex?” “Of course!,” replies the rabbi. “Sex is a mitzvah within
marriage, to have children!”

“What about different positions?” asks the man.

“No problem,” says the rabbi. “It’s a mitzvah!”

“Woman on top?” the man asks.

“Sure,” says the rabbi. “Go for it! It’s a mitzvah!”

“Doggy style?” “Sure! Another mitzvah!”

“On the kitchen table?”

“Yes, yes! A mitzvah!”

“Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a
couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a
porno video?”

“You may indeed. It’s all a mitzvah!”

“Can we do it standing up?”

“NO, NO, NO!” cries the rabbi.

“Why not?” asks the man.

“Could lead to dancing.”

1. You light your shabbos candles from your cigarette2. Your belt buckle is bigger than a yarmulke3. Instead of a noisemaker, you’ve fired a shotgun at the sound of Haman’s name4. You have a gun rack in your sukkah5. You think KKK is a symbol for Really Really Kosher6. You think marrying your first cousin is required according to Jewish Law7. You don’t ride on shabbat because your car is up on blocks8. When someone shouts l’chaim you respond l’howdy9. You are saving a bottle of Mogen David for some special occasion10. You think a good Bar Mitzvah gift is time shared on your hunting lease.

12. You can’t be nailed to the menorah11. More elephants in the Hanukkah story10. No roof damage from reindeer9. Never a silent night when you’re among your Jewish loved ones8. Dance of the Sugar-Plum Rebbe7. Betting Hanukkah gelt on candle races6. Yes, Rivka’le, there is no Santa Claus5. Naked spin-the-dreidel games4. Fun waxy buildup3. No awkward explanations of virgin birth2. Cheer optional1. No Irving Berlin songs (or Mel Torme’ either!)

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came
upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following
symbols in order of appearance:

1. A dog 2. A donkey 3. A shovel 4. A fish 5. A Star of David

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were
at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out
the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where
archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient
symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss
what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The
President of their Society stood up and pointed at the first
drawing and said, “This looks like a dog. We can judge that this
was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals
for companionship. To prove this statement you can see that the
next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough
to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks
like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to
help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the
fish which means that they had a famine that hit the earth
whereby the food didn’t grow, they would take to the sea for
food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which
means they were evidently Hebrews.”

The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled
and said, “I’m glad to see that you are all in full agreement
with our interpretations.”

Suddenly, a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the
room and said, “I object to every word. The explanation of what
the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows
that Hebrews don’t read from left to right, but from right to
left. Now, look again, It now says: HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS
ON THAT BITCH!”

Two Jews are stranded on a desert island. They build three synagogues — one for the orthodox Jew, one for the reform Jew, and one that neither one of them will ever set foot in!

Once there was a little boy called sekket who was Jewish,
and wouldn’t play with anyone but the Christian boy,called
Tom,who lived next door.
One day Tom was showing Sekket his toys when he picked up his
toy truck, to show him.
“Wow that’s nice!” Sekket said
“Yes mummy says to treasure my toys” He answered.
The next day over the garden fence Sekket saw Tom sprinkling
Holy water over his toy truck.
“What are you doing?” Asked Sekket
“Mummy says to treasure my toys,so i am blessing it” He said
proudly.
“Oh” Said Sekket, “I should bless mine then” and went in to
fetch his toy car.
Sekket brought the car back outside to show Tom and handed it to
him.
“Oh no!” said Tom, “It’s broken!”
“Broken?” asked sekket curiously.
“Yes 5 centimetres of the exhaust pipe are missing!!”

Mrs. Murphy and Mrs. Cohen lived next door to each other for over 40 years, and over the years became loving friends. One day Mrs. Murphy came to Mrs. Cohen and said, “This house is becoming to much for us, let’s sell it and each move into a home for the aged.Each went to a home of their respective religions, and were soon placed. Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, and one day asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend Mrs. Cohen. When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs and kisses. Mrs. Murphy said “So how do you like it here?”Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and the care takers. She then said, “You know the best thing is that I now have a boyfriend.”Mrs. Murphy said, “Now isn’t that wonderful. Tell me what you do.”Mrs. Cohen said, “After lunch we go up to my room, and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on the top, and then on the bottom, and then we sing Jewish songs.”Mrs. Cohen said, “And how is it with you Mrs. Murphy?”She said it was also wonderful at her new facility, and that she also had a boyfriend.Mrs. Cohen said, “So what do you do?””We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch me down below.”Mrs. Cohen said, “And then what do you do?”Mrs. Murphy said, “Since we don’t know any Jewish songs, we have sex.”

A minister, a priest, and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It
was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came
upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off
all their clothes and jumped in the water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while
enjoying their “freedom.” As they were crossing an open area,
who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to
get their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered
their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for
cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on,
the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his
face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, “I don’t know
about you, but in MY congregation, it’s my face they would
recognize!”

Hitler is lying on his death bed and he asks his top advisor,
“Why did we lose the war?” His top advisor responds, “Well sir
it was because of all those damned Jewish generals!” Hitler
says, “But there wasn’t a Jewish general anywhere in my ranks.”
The advisor replies, “I know that was the problem. The allies had
them all!”

A man gets off a plane in Boston and heads immediately for the
Men’s Room. It’s crowded but he finds a vacant urinal to gain
relief after the long flight and many drinks. The man at the
urinal next to his says, “You’re Jewish?”

“Yes.”

“You come from Sudbury?”

“Yes.”

“Your parents went to Temple Immanuel?”

“Yes, I don’t think I know you. How do you know so much about
me?”

The man next to him replies, “Rabbi Minski of Temple Immanuel is
the only Rabbi I know that performs circumcisions by cutting at
an angle and you’re peeing on my shoe!”

Abraham is an old Jewish man who is a yarn merchant. He lives next door to the biggest anti-Semite in town. One day the anti-Semite calls up Abraham and says, ‘Hey Jew!!!… I need a piece of orange yarn. The length must be from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and I want it delivered tomorrow.’ Abe says, ‘OK.’ The next morning the Anti-Semite is awakened at 7 AM by the sound of running engines. He runs outside to see a row trucks lined up one after the other, dumping truckful after truckful of orange yarn in his front yard. Soon his yard is a 5-foot deep sea of orange yarn. Abe then presents a bill for $18,000 to the anti-Semite. The guy starts yelling and screaming at Abe. ‘What is this? This is not what I asked for! I told you I needed a piece of yarn from the end of your nose to the tip of your penis. Look at this place! What do you have to say for yourself?’ Straightfaced, Abe replies ‘I’m very careful when I deal with people like you, that’s why I got a few witnesses here with me. I may be off by a few miles, so I gave you a 2% discount; but the tip of my penis is in Poland.’

And it came to pass that an openly Jewish man was elected to be President of the United States of America.So he calls his mother in Queens and invites her to come down to Washington DC to share the Passover Holliday.She says, ‘I’d like to, but it’s so much trouble… I mean, I have to get a cab to the airport, and I hate waiting on Queens Blvd…’He replies, ‘Mom! I’m the President! You won’t need a cab; I’ll send a limo for you!’To which his mother replies, ‘I know, but then I’ll have to get my ticket at the airport, and try to get a seat on the plane, and I hate to sit in the middle… it’s just too much trouble.’He replies, ‘Mom! I’m the President of the United States! I’ll send Air Force One or another of my private jets for you.To which she replies, ‘Oh, well, but then when we land, I’ll have to carry my luggage through the airport, and try to get a cab… it’s really too much trouble.’He replies, ‘Mom!! I’m the President! I’ll send a helicopter for you! You won’t have to lift a finger’She answers, ‘Yes, that’s nice… but, you know, I still need a hotel room, and the rooms are so expensive, and I really don’t like the rooms…’He answers, ‘Mom! I’m the President! You’ll stay at the White House!’She responds, ‘Well… all right… I guess I’ll come.’ The next day, she’s on the phone with her friend Betty.Betty: ‘Hello, Sylvia . . . so what’s new?’Sylvia: ‘I’m visiting my son for Passover!’ Betty: ‘The doctor?’Sylvia: ‘No . . . the other one.’