Category: irish / british

The three men are sat on the building site having their lunch.
The Englishman opens his lunchbox and says ‘Oh no, chedder
again, if I get chedder again tomorrow I’m gona throw myself off
this building site!’

The Scotishman opens his lunchbox and says, ‘Oh crap! No haggis
again! If I’ve got haggis tomorrow I’m gona throw myself off
this building site with ya!’

The Irish man said, ‘I’ve got ham again, if I’ve got ham
tomorrow, I’m gona throw myself off this building site too.’

The next day the englishman looks in his lunchbox, gets up, and
jumps off the building site.

Scotsman shout ‘Yuk! Haggis!’ Runs and jumps off the building
site.

The Irishman says ‘Oh no, ham.’ He does the same.

At the funeral the wives all talk. The englishman’s wife says,
‘He could have just asked if he wanted different sandwiches for
lunch.’ The scotsman’s wife says ‘I know, if he had asked, he
could have had something else.’ The Irishman’s wife said ‘I cant
understand it! He makes his own dinner!’

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for
speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the
priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor
of the car. He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?” “Just
water,” says the priest. The trooper says, “Then why do I smell
wine? The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s
done it again!”

One day, the Queen of England is visiting the Pope, outside,
there is a big crowd. The Queen was talking about how loyal her
subjects were, and the Pope asked her to demonstrate this. So
she said that with a wave of her hand, she could make the people
of England cheer, and sure enough, when she waved her hand, the
people of England cheered. The Pope said that he could do
better, the Queen asked what he ment, so he told her that he
could get all of the people of Ireland to go nuts, so the Pope
and the Queen went on the balcony. Then, the Pope headbutted the
Queen.

Why is “abbreviation” such a long word?

Who was the first Scottish man?
I don’t know
Mac Adam.He He He

What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish
funeral?

There’s one less drunk at the funeral.

Paddy Irish man, Paddy scotish man and Paddy Fat man where
caught smuggling on a far contry.
As a result they where deserted on a deserted island and all
given the chosse of somthing to bring with them.

MAN; so paddy Irish man what would you like.
PADDY IRISH MAN; A car door.
MAN; Why?
PADDY IRAISH MAN; So I won’t dehidrate
(he turns to paddy scotish man)
MAN; What would you like?
PADDY SCOTTISH MAN; Sun tan lotion.
MAN; Why?
PADDY SCOTISH MAN; So I won’t burn.
(turns to paddy fat man)
MAN; And you?
PADDY FAT MAN; A car door
MAN; Why?
PADDY FAT MAN; So when it gets to hot I can role down the
window.

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long
illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and
looked Murphy in the eye and said, “I’ve got some bad news for
you…you have the cancer and it can’t be cured. I’d give you
two weeks to a month.” Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news,
but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from
the doctor’s office into the waiting room.

There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, “Son, we
Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things
don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t so well. I have
cancer and I’ve been given a short time to live. Let’s head for
the pub and have a few pints.”

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less
somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were
eventually approached by some of Murphy’s old friends who asked
what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish
celebrate the good and the bad…He went on to tell them that
they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends
“I’ve only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with
AIDS.” The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a
couple more beers.

After his friends left, Murphy’s son leaned over and whispered
his confusion, “Dad I thought you said that you were dying from
cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from
AIDS?” Murphy said, “I am dying from cancer son, I just don’t
want any of them sleeping with your mother.”

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Scotsman and Paddy Irishman go to see a
hypnotist. All three are hypnotized and come the end of the
show, the hypnotist tells them that when they go home to their
wives the first thing they tell them to do they will do without
any arguments. On the way home they decide to stop off at the
pub first. They have a few rounds of beers and then head off
home.

Paddy Englishman gets home and as soon as he opens the door he
starts falling all over the place knocking everything over. The
wife says to him, “That’s right, wreck the place.” So Paddy
smashes everything in the house.

Paddy Scotsman gets home and gets straight into bed and decides
to have a smoke before nodding off and falls asleep before
finishing it. The wife who was already in bed says, “That’s
right Paddy, burn the place down.” So he gets up a sets fire to
every room in the house.

Outside the house. The 2 Paddies run over to the cops car, to
Paddy Irishman and asks him what happened. He replies, “I went
home and felt a little horny. So I got into bed and her pussy.
Then she told me to cut it out.”

It is the Olympic men’s figure skating. Out comes the Russian
competitor, he skates around to some classical music in a
slightly dull costume, performs some excellent leaps but without
any great artistic feel for the music.

The Judges’ scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.9: United States
5.5: Ireland 6.0

Next comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and
stripes costume, skating to some rock and roll music. He gets
the crowd clapping, but is not technically as good as the
Russian. He slightly misses landing a triple Salchow and loses
the center during a spin. But, artistically, it is a more
satisfying performance.

The Judges’ scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.5: United States
5.9: Ireland 6.0

Finally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old
donkey jacket, with his skates tied over his wellies. He reaches
the ice, trips straight away and bangs his nose which starts
bleeding. He tries to get up, staggers a few paces then slips
again. He spends his entire ‘routine’ getting up then falling
over again. Finally he crawls off the ice a tattered and
bleeding mess.

The Judges’ scores read: Britain 0.0: Russia 0.0: United States
0.0: Ireland 6.0

The other 3 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in unison,
“How the hell can you give that mess 6.0?!” To which the Irish
judge replies, “You’ve gotta remember, it’s damn slippery out
there.”