Category: irish / british

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are all working as spies
for the UK Government during the cold war when they’re captured
by the Ruskies.

Several years pass and the Russian prison starts to get a bit
full, and the oppurtunity arises for an exchange of prisoners.
The Russians talk and decide not to release anyone too high an
IQ and so come up with a simple test in order to decide who they
should release.

Now the cells the three guys are basically pits with high walls
and a door at the top to allow food to be thrown in and/or a
ladder to be lowered. So the Ruskies go along to the Englishmans
cell and shine a torch down to him. “Walk up the beam of light
and you can go free English!”

“FUCK OFF YOU RUSSIAN BASTARDS! I’M NOT JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! I
CAN’T WALK UP A BEAM OF LIGHT!”

The russians leave and go to the Scotsmans cell and shine the
torch down to him. “Walk up the beam of light and you can go
free!”

“OCH! GAN BOIL YE HEID, YA RUSSIAN WANKERS! I CANNY WARK UP NAE
BEAM A FOCKING LIGHT!”

So the russians go to the Irishmans cell and shine the torch
down to him. “Walk up the beam of light and you can go free!”

“YA CAN’T FOOL ME YOU BASTARDS! YOU’LL TURN IT OFF WHEN I’M HALF
WAY UP!”

A hiker is walking through the fields of Wales when he sees a
Welsh farmer holding a sheep. The sheep seems to be in some
distress so the hiker wanders over to the farmer to enquire what
he is doing. “Are you shearing?” asks the man “No, get your
own!!!” came the reply.

What would happen if an Irish was walking blindfolded towards a
brick wall with a fully erect penis?

He’d break his nose.

An Irish man went to a pub and asked for 4 pints of beer. The
bartender recommended that the Irish man get the pints one at a
time so that he could enjoy each one before it gets hot. The
Irish man said he wanted all four at a time to remind him when
his three brothers used to drink with him before they moved to
America.

This continued everyday and the bartender learned a lot about
the Irishman and his three brothers, the man ordering 4 pints at
each sitting.

One day the Irish man walks into the pub and only orders 3
pints. The bartender goes up to the man and says, “I’m really
sorry about your loss. I know how much you loved your brothers.

The Irish man told him not to worry, his brothers were fine, “I
just gave up drinking.”

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender
finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up
to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more
time; same result. He figured he’ll crawl outside and get some
fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he
stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4
blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and
again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and
into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This
time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell
right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the
pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him,
shouting, “So, you’ve been out drinking again!”

“What makes you say that?” he asked, putting on an innocent
look.

“The pub called — you left your wheelchair there again.”

A stinking Brit, a drunken Irishman, and a closefisted Scot go
out to a pub and order 3 pints. They each find a fly floating on
the top of their mugs.The stinking Brit says, “Bartender, can I
have a spoon?” and quietly removes the fly from his brew. The
drunken Irishman says, “Get out of there!” and flicks the fly
away with a finger. The closefisted Scot picks up the fly with
his fingers and says, “Alright ya wee bastard. Spit it out. Now!”

A bright young Scottish lad named Shamus had the opportunity to
go to university in London. So he packed his bags and said
good-bye to his mother and left the highlands for the big city.

After the first week his mother called to see how her boy was
holding up.

“I love it here Mother,” Shamus told her, “but these English
students are the oddest people ever! Why the boy who lives in
the dormitory room next to me bangs his head against the wall
until midnight every night. And the boy in the room above me
stomps around until midnight every night. And the boy right
below me blasts his stereo until midnight every night.”

“Why don’t you complain to the Dean of students?” asks his
mother.

“Well, it doesn’t bother me much,” answers Shamus. “I’m usually
up until that time quietly practicing my bagpipes anyway.”

There once was this American, Scottish man, and Irishman who all
used to work together at the same building site, and each day
they would sit out on a steel girder 40 floors high and eat
their lunches.

One day the american opens his lunch up and says, “fucken
baloney, I have had it everyday for the past 5 years, and if I
get it again tomorrow, I am gonna jump off this steel girder!!!”

The scottish man opens his lunch and says, “bloody lettuce
sandwich, I have had lettuce sandwiches for the past 10 years
and I am sick to death of them, if I get lettuce tomorrow I too
am gonna jump off this steel girder”.

The Irish man says, “bloody fucken cheese again, if I fucken get
cheese tomorrow I too am gonna jump!!”.

The next day, once again the three men go out and sit on the
girder to eat their lunches.

The american opens up his lunch and says, “fucken baloney again,
fuck that, I have had enough!!!”, and with that he jumps off the
steel girder to his death.

The Scottish man opens his lunch and says, “bloody lettuce
again, to hell with it!!”, and he too jumps off the steel girder.

The Irishman opens his lunch and says, “bloody fucken crappy
cheese again, fuck that and fuck me, I have had enough!!!”, and
he too jumps off the steel girder to his death.

The next day at the combined funeral the three wives are sitting
there together sobbing. The American’s wife says to the other
two, “I didn’t realise he had a problem with baloney, all he had
to do was say something and I would have made something
different for him!!”.

The Scootish mans wife also says, “I too did not realise there
was a problem, all he had to do was say something and I would
have made him something different!!”

The Irishmans wife then says, “well I am not exactly sure of
what the problem was with my husband, he used to get up every
morning and make his own lunch!!!!”.

Ireland’s worst-ever air disaster occurred today when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery early this
afternoon in central Dublin. Irish search and rescue workers
have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb
as digging continues into the evening.

Dear Son,
Just a few lines to let you know that I’m still alive. I’m
writing this letter slowly because I know that you can’t read
fast. You won’t know the house when you get home because we’ve
moved.

About your father. He has a lovely new job. He has 500 men under
him; he cuts the grass at the cemetery. There was a washing
machine in the new house when we moved in but it hasn’t been
working too good. Last week I put your father’s shirt in, pulled
the chain and haven’t seen it since.

Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I don’t know if it
is a boy or a girl yet so I can’t tell you if you are an uncle
or an auntie. Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of
whiskey at the Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to
save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and
it took 5 days to put out the fire.

I went to the doctor last Thursday and your father came with me.
The doctor put a small glass tube in my mouth and told me not to
talk for 10 minutes. Your father offered to buy it off him.

It rained last twice this week. First for 3 days then for 4. We
got a letter from the undertaker. He said that if the last
payment on your grandfathers plot isn’t paid within 7 days, then
up he comes.

-Your loving mother
PS. I was going to send you 10 dollars but I had already sealed
the envelope.

(This joke was found in: “The Serious Joke Book” by George Coote)

Cool joke hey?

One day, an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scottish man, were
standing on a bridge. As they were standing on the bridge
chatting, a herd of cows crossed the bridge.

“Those have got to be English cows,” the Englishman commented.
“They’re black and white.”

“No,” the Irishmen argued. “They’ve got to be Irish cows, they
got spots.”

“I beg to differ,” the Scottish man said. “Those are Scottish
cows. They got the wee bagpipes hanging down!

A man was driving home after a hard days drinking in a English
country pub. He was doing 80 mph down a narrow lane when he saw
two Welsh men walking up the lane towards him. They saw him
coming towards them at high speed and tried to get out of his
way. Unfortunatly for them the driver decided that they would
make good targets. He aimed his car directly at them and BANG,
he hit them. The first was thrown over a nearby hedge into a
farmer’s field, the second smashed through his windscreen.

Thirty seconds later a police car turned up at the scene. The
police man got out of his car and asked the driver what had
happened. He tried to explain that he had only been doing 30 mph
and had tried to avoid the Welsh men but they jumped out in
front of his car and he could not avoid them. The police man was
having none of this and asked again what had happened. The
driver then replied that he had been doing 50mph and had a
couple of pints to drink. He had seen the Welsh men but only too
late and he had tried but failed to avoid them. The police man
was still suspisious, the driver was stinking of alcahol and
sluring his words, so he asked again.

This time the driver said that he had had about 10 pints, been
doing 80 mph, saw the Welsh men and meant to hit them.

The police man replied that he would do the man who had smashed
through the windscreen for breaking and entering and the man in
the field for leaving the scene of the crime and let the driver
go.