How To Tell If You’re Throwing A Successful Christmas Party
– Festivity Level One –
Your guests are sitting around chatting, nibbling the party food, sipping
their drinks. They are admiring your Christmas tree ornaments and stand
around the piano singing carols.
– Festivity Level Two –
Your guests are talking loudly, occasionally to one another. They are
wolfing down the food, gulping their drinks, rearranging your Christmas
ornaments and sitting on the piano singing “I Gotta Be Me.”
– Festivity Level Three –
Your guests are holding conversations with inanimate objects, gulping
other peoples’ drinks, wolfing down Christmas ornaments and dancing around
the piano shouting the words to “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction.”
– Festivity Level Four –
Your guests, food smeared across their naked bodies, are capering around
the burning Christmas tree in some unholy ritual. The piano is missing.
Unless you rent your home, or own heavy firearms, you generally don’t want
your parties operating above Level Three. The true test of party success,
however, is whether or not the police arrive. If they do arrive, your job
as host is to see that they don’t arrest anyone. If they are intent on
arresting someone, your job is to see that it isn’t you. Following is an
example of how to successfully handle this situation:
Police: “We’ve come in response to the complaints.”
You: “Complaints? It isn’t about the drugs, is it?”
Police: “No, sir, not drugs.”
You: “The guns, then? They’re complaining about the guns?”
Police: “No, sir. It’s about the noise.”
You: “Oh that’s all right then. ‘Cause there sure aren’t any guns or drugs
here, heh heh.”
[An explosion sounds somewhere behind you]
You: “Or fireworks either! The neighbors complained, did they?”
Police: “No, sir. The neighbors all fled inland hours ago. The recent
complaints have come from Iowa.”
[At this point a Volkswagen Bug, painted in various arcane symbols, roars
out of the living room, down the hall past you and the policemen, out into
the front yard and into the nearest tree. Eight naked bodies tumble out,
moaning.]
You: “There, you see? It’s winding down already.”