Category: holidays

Santa Cluase was arrested yesterday because he blew-up a chlidren’s hospital. HE said he did it because he was tired of them damn kids asking for a poney and a bike.Why cant they just ask for a barbie or a toy car like every other kid,and when i get to there place there is no food for me there is a empty plate with crumbs on it and an empty glass with a drop of milk.So I get mad.

Santa on Trial

You are accused, Mr. Santa Claus, alias Saint Nick, alias Kris Kringle, age unknown, of no fixed abode, with the following charges:

Failing to apply for landed immigrant status from Finland to the North Pole

Crossing the Canadian-USA border illegally on December 25 of each year as far back as records go

Failing to operate a union toy shop, and not paying your elves and dwarfs the minimum wage, provide paid vacations and wages at time and a half for more than 40 hour work weeks, or meeting the standards of the Worker’s Compensation Boards Failing to transmit unemployment insurance payments, income tax deductions and Canada Pension payments to the proper authorities on behalf of your employees

You are accused of the illegal entry of millions of Canadian homes on December 25 of each year

Violating the Federal Anti-Combines Investigation Act by operating a tight monopoly

Failing to file a flight plan for your travels

Failing to equip your vehicle with seat belts or properly fitting your reindeer with emission control devises Not declaring as taxable income the cookies and milk left for you by millions each year

Illegally competing with the Canadian Post Office, and possible breaking drug laws by administering an unauthorized drug to Rudolph to make his nose light up

And finally, parking in a no parking zone, namely rooftops, and having no record of either a driver’s or pilot’s licence ever being issued to a Mister Claus in any of the ten provinces and two territories.

Faced with all these accusations and understanding their severity, have you any statement to make before I . . . wish you a . . Merry Christmas, a Happy New Year and dismiss these charges?

Don’t eat dirty snow…Snowman (403K)Note: Our “Send this Joke to A Friend” email thingy doesn’t transmit programs. But if you see this in email, you can click on the link above!

At a Christmas party in Melbourne last year the staff decided to pull a joke on their boss who had a habit of playing serious practical jokes on everyone else. When he went to the toilet, they went through his wallet and found his Tats Lotto ticket. Then, they wrote down his numbers and called over the waitress to set up a little prank.
She came back half an hour later and asked if anyone wanted to know the night’s Lotto numbers, then proceeded to read them out loud before setting the numbers on the table.

The boss looked at the numbers, then casually pulled out his wallet and compared them. He became really silent, put his wallet back in his jacket and sat down again breathing really rapidly, and looking totally blown away.

After a couple of minutes he pulled out his wallet and Lotto ticket again, and checked the numbers, very carefully.

Then, he sculled his drink, stood up on his chair and shouted out to the whole room, “I just want to let you all know something. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary for months. I don’t like any of you, and I have hated working for this company. You can all go to Hell, ‘cos I’ve just won a shit-load of money, and I’m leaving!”

End of job. End of marriage. End of story.

Ways to Torture Your Roommate at Christmas

Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloddy murder and thrash on the floor.

Go to the mall with your roomate and sit on Santa’s lap. Refuse to get off.

Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny you’re wearing it.

Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, ”Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town…”

Hang mistle-toe in the doorway. When your roomate enters or leaves the room, plant a wet one on his/her lips.

Hang a stocking with your roomates name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it. If s/he asks, say ”you’ve been very naughty this year.”

Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games.

Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (I.E. ”You know, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistle-toe last night.”)

Wrap yourself in Christmas lights and roll around in the snow.

Sing: ”All I want for Christmas is my roomate’s two front teeth…”

Give your roomate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song.

Build a snowperson with your roomate and place a hat on its head. When it doesn’t come to life, cry hysterically ”it didn’t work!”

Whip your roomate screaming ”now Dasher, now Dancer, now Donner, and Blitzen, etc.”

Tear down all your roomate’s Christmas decorations yelling ”Bah Humbug!”

Wake up every morning screaming ”Ghost of Christmas Future, please have mercy on my soul!”

Tell your roomate you’re moving out. Santa’s buying you a house on 34th Street.

Pin a pointsetta to your lapel.

Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first.

Put on a fake white beard and insist that all your roomate’s friends ”give it a yank.”

Ring jingle bells maniacally saying ”every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings.”

Stand in front of the mirror reciting ”How the Grinch Stole Christmas” over and over in your underwear.

Smoke mistle-toe. Do what comes naturally.

Watch your roomate when s/he is sleeping. When s/he wakes up sing, ”he sees you when you’re sleeping…”

Steal a life size nativity scene and display it in your room. When your roomate asks, tell him/her ”I had to let them stay here, there’s no room at the inn.”

When your roomate goes to the bathroom, rearrange his/her posessions. Tell him/her that Santa’s elves must have done it.

Who wears red and white and roars like a lion?

Santa Claws.

The Week Before Christmas

‘Twas the week before Christmas and all through the school
Not a pupil was silent, no matter what rule.
The children were busy with paper and paste
The mess that they made with it couldn’t be faced.

The teacher half frantic and almost in tears,
Had just settled down to work with her dears,
When out in the hall there arose such a clatter
up sprang the kids to see what was the matter!

Away to the door they all flew like a flash
The one who was leading went down with a crash.
Then what to their wondering eyes did appear
But a green Christmas tree! (To decorate I fear!)

When the teacher saw this, she almost grew sick.
She knew in a moment it must be Old Nick!
She ran to the door (all her efforts were vain)
But she shouted, and stamped, and she called them by name

”Now Tommy! Now Sandy, Now Judy and Harry!
Stop Billy! Stop Robert! Stop Donny and Sherry!
Now get to your places get away from the hall
Now get away! Get away! Get away all!

As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly
The pupils, pell mell, started scurrying by.
They ran to the blackboard and skipped down the aisle
Their faces were shining and each had a smile.

First came a basket of popcorn to string
-Then came the Christmas tree (menacing thing).
As the tree was brought in there arose a great shout
The pupils were merrily romping about.

The state they were in could lead to a riot
The teacher was sure, if allowed, they would try it.
Her nerves how they jangled! Her temples were throbbing!
The rush of her breath sounded almost like sobbing!

The lines of her face were as fixed as a mask
It was plain that she didn’t feel up to her task.
The look in her eye would have tamed a wild steer,
But the children ignored it they did every year.

A tear from her eye and a shake of her head
Soon led me to think that she wished she were dead.
She spoke not a word but went straight to her work,
Strung all the popcorn which broke with a jerk.

But at last it was finished and placed on the tree
Then came the bell and the children were free.
Their shrill little voices soon faded away
And peace was restored at the end of the day.
As she looked at the Christmas tree glistening and tall,
She smiled as she whispered, Merry Christmas to all!

(To the tune of Deck The Halls)

See that drag queen his name’s Molly.

Fa La La La La La La La La

For 50 bucks he’ll make you jolly.

Fa La La La La La La La La

See him in his gay apparel.

Fa La La La La La La La La

You should meet his brother Carol.

Fa La La La La La La La La

(To The Tune Of We Wish You A Merry Christmas)

We wish you a happy hearing,

we wish you a happy hearing,

We wish you a happy hearing,

and we hope you make bail!

(To The Tune Of Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer)

Rudolph the red nosed wino,

Had a very shiny nose,

And if you got too close to him,

He would take off his clothes.

All of the other winos,

Used to laugh and call him names,

They never let poor Rudolph,

Join in any wino games.

Then one chilly Christmas Eve,

Rudolph froze to death in an alley.

End of story.

(To The Tune Of Silent Night)

Friday night,

Holy night

Me and my chick

got into a fight,

Boy I miss her now that she’s gone,

I go and visit her at Forest Lawn,

Sleep in heavenly peace…

Sleep in heavenly peace.

(To The Tune Of Frosty The Snowman)

Frosty the cokehead was a crazed neurotic soul,

With a big glass pipe and a vial of crack,

And no sense of self control.

There must have been some poison in that last dime bag he got,

For when he took his first big hit he dropped dead on the spot.

Frosty the cokehead doesn’t worry anymore,

Cuz when all is said,

and your cold and dead,

Then you never have to score.

(To The Tune Of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town)

Oh you better not shout,

you better not cry, You better not pout,

I’m tellin’ you why,

Daddy’s home and I think he’s drunk.

He’s walkin’ real slow,

he slurs when he speaks,

I don’t even think he’s shaved in two weeks,

Daddy’s home and boy is he drunk,

He spent most of our money on Johnny Walker Black

And then he took all of the rest and lost it at the track.

Sooooooo…. You better not pout,

you better not cry,

I don’t like that look in his eye,

Daddy’s home and I think he’s….

Daddy’s home and boy is he…….

Daddy’s home and he’s really drunk!

Q: Did you hear that one of Santa’s reindeer now works for Proctor and Gambel? A: Its true . . . Comet cleans sinks!

Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens? A: So he can ho-ho-ho.

Q: Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?A: Because every buck is dear to him.

Jones: “The chinese make it an invariable rule to settle all their debts on New Years Day.”Smith: “So I understand, but, then again, the Chinese don’t have a Christmas the week before.”