Category: holidays

A couple was going to a costume party.

The husband was unsure of what costume to wear. His wife was telling him to hurry or they would be late for the party. She was walking down the stairs from the bedroom, completely naked except on her feet were a big old floppy pair of boots.

“Where is your costume?”, the husband asked.

“This is it”, replied his wife.

“What the heck kind of costume is that?” asked the husband.

“Why, I am going as Puss and Boots” explains the wife. “Now hurry and get your costume on.”

The husband went upstairs and was back in about two minutes. He also was completely naked except he had a rose vase slid over his penis.

“What the heck kind of costume is that?” asked the wife.

“I am a fire alarm” he replied.

“A fire alarm?” she repeated laughing.

“Yes” he replied. “In case of fire break the glass, pull twice and I come.”

One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer’s hoof. As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said, “You know, I think you’re the first reindeer I’ve ever seen in here.” The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said, “Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, I’m the last reindeer you’ll see in here.”

What do Christmas trees and priests have in common?

Their balls are for decoration.

Q: What was wrong with the boy’s brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?A: Forty feet of track – all straight!

Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,Sweating his fat awayHere comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,Water-skis on his sleighNever have a white ChristmasWhen you in Melbourne liveWearing hot pants on the beachWhen you your presents giveHere comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,Sweating his fat awayHere comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,Water-skis on his sleighChestnuts roasting on the sidewalkCastles in the sandEating ice-cream, having good talksWarm Christmas, isn’t that grand?

Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?A: Crisp Cringle.

15> No beanies or babies harmed in the manufacture of this product.

14> For children ages 4-10, or really wasted adults.

13> Not to be confused with “Poke You Man” by Adult Inflatable Products, Ltd.

12> Caution: Care Bears do not actually care very much.

11> Warning: This toy produces substantially less childish glee in real life than it does in the TV commercial.

10> Failure to fall immediately to your knees in gratitude and eternally thank parents for shelling out $400 and waiting in line behind a smelly woman from Jersey City for two hours to *get* your Sega Dreamcast — especially when you’ve already got a Playstation and a box full of games that are now headed for the next garage sale — may result in bodily injury.

9> Syringe and vaccine sold separately.

8> Do not stare at product. Hey! You’re doing it now! Cut that out!!

7> In case of breakage, scream until dad buys a replacement.

6> Do not attempt to combine your Ultra Mega Warrior with your cat to make Ultra Mega Cat Warrior.

5> For eternal use only.

4> For best results, consume hard liquor prior to assembly.

3> Talk to your doctor before using Xenical Barbie. Xenical Barbie not intended for children less than 20% above their ideal weight. Discontinue use if oily leakage occurs.

2> Replacement blades and toes not included.

1> Warning: Although technically a game, Parcheesi sucks.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

‘Twas the Night Before Christmas: Reckneck Version

‘Twas the night before Christmas And all through the trailer
Not a creature was stirrin’ ‘Cept a redneck named Taylor.
His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle,
And a-runnin’ down his chin Was a trickle of spittle.
His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care,
And therefore there was a foul stench in the air.

That Bubba got scared And rousted the boys.
There was Rufus, 12 Jim Bob was 11
Dud goin’ on 10 Otis was 7.
John, George and Chucky Were 5,4, and 3:
The twins were both girls So they let them be.

They jumped in their overalls, No need for a shirt,
Threw a hat on each head, Then turned with a jerk.
They ran to the gun rack That hung on the wall.
There were 17 shotguns They grabbed them all.

Bubba said to the young’uns, ”Now hesh up ya’ll!
The last thing we wanna do Is wake up yer Maw.”
Maw was expecting And needed her sleep,
So out they crept out the door Without making a peep.

They all looked around, and then they all spit.
The young’uns asked Bubba, ”Paw, what is it?”
Bubba just stared He could not say a word.
This was just like all of The stories he’d heard.

It was Santy Claus on the roof, Darn tootin’
But the boys didn’t know They was about to start shootin’!
They aimed their shotguns and nearly made a mistake
That would have resulted in venison steak.
Bubba hollered out, ”Don’t shoot, boys!”
That’s Santy Claus And he’s brought us some toys.

The dogs were a-barkin’ And a-raisin’ cain,
And Bubba whistled, and shouted, And called them by name.
”Down, Spot! Shut up Bullet! Quiet, Pete and Roscoe!
Git, Turnip and Tater and Sam and Bosco!”

”Git down from that porch! Git down off that wall!
Quit shakin the trailer, Or you’ll make Santy fall!”
The dogs kept a-barkin’ And wouldn’t shut up,
And they trampled poor Pete Who was only a pup.

Santy opened his bag, And threw out some toys.
Bubba got most, But left a few for the boys.
Since the guns had been dropped He just might not die.

He jumped in his sleigh, Told his reindeer to hurry.
The trailer started to wobble Santa started to worry.
Just as the reindeer Got into the air,
The trailer collapsed, But Bubba didn’t care.

He was busy lookin’ At all his new toys.
Then a thought hit him, And he said to the boys:
”Go check on yer Maw, Make sure she’s all right.
That roof fallin’ on her Could-a hurt just a might.”

But Maw was OK, And the girls were too.
They fixed up the trailer It looked good as new.
And as for Bubba, He liked Old St. Nick,
But Santa thought Bubba Was a pure-in-tee hick!

Bubba had a nice Christmas, And the boys did, too.
And the Taylors wish A Merry Christmas to you!

On the first day of Christmas my true love sent to me

A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the second day of Christmas my true love sent to me,

2 pounds of tortilla chips.

A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the third day of Christmas my true love sent to me,

3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)

2 pounds of tortilla chips.

A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,

4 bowls of salsa.

3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)

2 pounds of tortilla chips.

A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,

5 gallons of Mescal.

4 bowls of salsa.

3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)

2 pounds of tortilla chips.

A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,

6 tiny key limes.

5 gallons of Mescal.

4 bowls of salsa.

3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)

2 pounds of tortilla chips.

A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me ,

7 pints of vanilla.

6 tiny key limes.

5 gallons of Mescal.

4 bowls of salsa.

3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)

2 pounds of tortilla chips.

A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,

8 Homemade Tamales.

7 pint of vanilla.

6 tiny key limes.

5 gallons of Mescal.

4 bowls of salsa.

3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)

2 pounds of tortilla chips.

A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the ninth day of Christmas my true Love sent to me,

9 Cartons of Marlboro.

8 Homemade Tamales.

7 pint of vanilla.

6 tiny key limes.

5 gallons of Mescal.

4 bowls of salsa.

3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)

2 pounds of tortilla chips.

A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,

10 Ripened Mango’s.

9 Cartons of Marlboro.

8 Homemade Tamales.

7 pint of vanilla.

6 tiny key limes.

5 gallons of Mescal.

4 bowls of salsa.

3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)

2 pounds of tortilla chips.

A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me,

11 boxes of Chicklets.

10 Ripened Mango’s.

9 Cartons of Marlboro.

8 Homemade Tamales.

7 pint of vanilla.

6 tiny key limes.

5 gallons of Mescal.

4 bowls of salsa.

3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)

2 pounds of tortilla chips.

A Marachi band playing just for me.

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,

12 Bottles of Corona.

11 boxes of Chicklets.

10 Ripened Mango’s.

9 Cartons of Marlboro.

8 Homemade Tamales.

7 pint of vanilla.

6 tiny key limes.

5 gallons of Mescal.

4 bowls of salsa.

3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)

2 pounds of tortilla chips.

A Marachi band playing just for me.

15> Lil’ Pill-Poppin’ Rush

14> The Incredible Sulk

13> Terrence, the Contagious Toll Collector

12> Saddam Hussein in a Flowery Island Shirt Holding a Pina Colada

11> Fat Lost by Carnie Wilson

10> The Politician Formerly Known as Governor Davis

9> Cellulite-Riddled Nudist

8> Mike Wallace and Camera Crew

7> Rupturing-Pustules Baywatch Babe With Realistic Festering Action!

6> “Sexy” Altar Boy

5> Left-Wing Monster GloriAl FrankenSteinem

4> Martha Stewart Prison-Bitch Barbie

3> LevitraMan

2> I-Just-Knocked-Your-Daughter-Up Guy

1> SpongeBob SoiledPants

15> To Kill A Walking Bird

14> My Best Friend’s Dressing

13> Thighs Wide Shut

12> The Texas Coleslaw Massacre

11> Casserolablanca

10> The Fabulous Baster Boys

9> 12 Hungry Men

8> Silence of the Yams

7> For Love of The Game Hen

6> I Know What You Ate Last Winter

5> All the President’s Menu

4> White Meat Can’t Jump

3> When Harry Met Salad

2> The Story of U.S.

1> The Wing and I

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

Hearts and roses and kisses galore….
What the hell is all that shit for?
People get mushy and start acting queer
It is definitely the most annoying day of the year
This day needs to get the hell over with and pass
Before I shove a dozen roses up Cupid’s ass
I’ll spend the day so drunk I can’t speak
And wear all black for the rest of the week
Guys act all sweet, but it will soon fade
For all they are doing is trying to get laid.
The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit
Because I think love is a crock of shit
So here’s my story…what else can I say?
Love bites my ass….Fuck Valentine’s Day