Category: holidays

Step 1: Go buy a turkey

Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch)

Step 3: Put turkey in the oven

Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey

Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens

Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink

Step 7: Turn oven the on

Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky

Step 9: Turk the bastey

Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get

Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer

Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey

Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours

Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick

Step 17: Turk the carvey

Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch

Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey

Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

If you find yourself stressed about all of the Thanksgiving cooking and
company, try this sure-fire recipe. I’ve never liked fruitcake, but this
recipe has made me change my mind. I discovered after trying this recipe
that there isn’t anything better on Friday nights after work than a HUGE
slice of this great recipe:

First, you’ll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four
large brown eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of
brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whiskey.

Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the
whiskey again. To be sure it’s the highest quality, our one level cup and
drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a
large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the
whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Beat two eggs
and add to the bowl and chuck in the chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix
on the tuner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose
with a drewscriver. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Now sift
lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or
something. Whatever you can find. Now, grease the oven. Turn the cake tin
to 350 degrees. Don’t forget to beat off the tuner. Throw the bowl out the
window. Check the whiskey again and go to bed.

Q: Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet of handkerchiefs for Christmas?Q: Olive ?A: Yeah, you know, “Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names”

A man wants to buy a pet for his girlfriend for Christmas, so he goes to a pet shop…
“Hello, I was thinking of buying a pet for my girlfriend.”

“You came to the right place. How about a parrot?”

“I don’t know, I was thinking of a more romantic animal.”

“It is not just a parrot. It is a singing parrot. He sings three different Christmas songs. LEt me show you.”

The pet shop worker raises the parrot’s right foot and lights a match under it. The parrot sings, “We wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish..” The match is then removed. He then lights a match under the left foot. “Dashing through the snow in a one horse opeen sleigh…” The match is then removed.

The man enthusiastically says, “That’s really neat. Let me hear the third song.”

The pet shop worker then puts a lit match between the parrot’s legs. “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire..”

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?

It’s Christmas, Eve !

How do you make an idiot laugh on boxing day ?

Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve !

What do you have in December that you don’t have in any other month ?

The letter “D” !

What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ?

Santa Claustrophobia !

What disasters could happen if you dropped the Christmas turkey ?

The downfall of Turkey, the breakup of China and the otherthrow of Greece !

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas ?

Santa Jaws !

How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed ?

You wake up wet !

What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert ?

Lost !

Whats ice ?

Skid Stuff!

Where do snowmen go to dance ?

Snowballs !

How do snowmen travel around ?

By iceicle !

What sort of ball doesn’t bounce ?

A snowball !

What did the guest sing at the Eskimo’s Christmas party ?

Freeze a jolly fellow !

Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?A: Because it ” soots ” him!

‘Twas the Night Before Christmas: Texas Version

T’was the night before Christmas, in Texas, you know.
Way out on the prairie, without any snow.
Asleep in their cabin, were Buddy and Sue,
A dreamin’ of Christmas, like me and you.
Not stockings, but boots, at the foot of their bed,
For this was Texas, what more need be said,
When all of a sudden, from out of the still night,
There came such a ruckus, it gave me a fright.
And I saw ‘cross the prairie, like a shot from a gun,
A loaded up buckboard, come on at a run,
The driver was ”Geein” and ”Hawin”, with a will,
The horses (not reindeer) he drove with such skill.
”Come on there Buck, Poncho, & Prince, to the right,
There’ll be plenty of travelin’ for you all tonight.”
The driver in Levi’s and a shirt that was red,
Had a ten-gallon Stetson on top of his head.
As he stepped from the buckboard, he was really a sight,
With his beard and moustache, so curly and white.
As he burst in the cabin, the children awoke,
And were so astonished, that neither one spoke.
And he filled up their boots with such presents galore,
That neither could think of a single thing more.
When Buddy recovered the use of his jaws,
He asked in a whisper, ”Are you really Santa Claus?”
”Am I the real Santa? Well, what do you think?”
And he smiled as he gave a mysterious wink.
Then he leaped in his buckboard, and called back in his drawl,
”To all the children in Texas, Merry Christmas, You-all!”

You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen,
Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen,
But do you remember him,
The only reindeer missing a limb.

Fester the Gangreen Reindeer had a bad infected leg,
So they amputated it, and replaced it with a peg,
All of the other reindeer used to laugh in Fester’s face,
They wouldn’t let poor Fester park in a good wheelchair space.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say,
Fester with your leg that’s fake,
What good kindling wood you’d make.
Then how the reindeer loved him, as they shouted out with glee,
Fester the Gangreen Reindeer, you’re our favorite amputee.

New Year’s Resolutions.

I have faithfully made such resolutions in the past, and while I haven’t been able to keep all of them, I have tried my best to continue making progress on them year after year. Following is my revised list of “New Year’s Resolutions – 1996 Edition”:

Resolution #1

1993: I will try to be a better husband to Marge.

1994: I will not leave Marge.

1995: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge.

1996: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.

Resolution #2

1993: I will stop looking at other women.

1994: I will not get involved with Wanda.

1995: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage.

1996: I will stop looking at other women.

Resolution #3

1993: I will not let my boss push me around.

1994: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.

1995: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.

1996: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.

Resolution #4

1993: I will read at least 20 good books a year.

1994: I will read at least 10 books a year.

1995: I will read 5 books a year.

1996: I will finish Space.

Resolution #5

1993: I will not get upset when Charlie and Sam make jokes about my baldness.

1994: I will not get annoyed when Charlie and Sam kid me about my toupee.

1995: I will not lose my temper when they tell the guys I wear a girdle.

1996: I will not speak to Charlie and Sam.

Resolution #6

1993: I will get my weight down below 180.

1994: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.

1995: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.

1996: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

Resolution #7

1993: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.

1994: I will not touch the bottle before noon.

1995: I will not become a “problem drinker”.

1996: I will not miss any AA meetings.

Resolution #8

1993: I will not spend my money frivolously.

1994: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.

1995: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.

1996: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 1999.

Resolution #9

1993: I will see my dentist this year.

1994: I will have my cavities filled this year.

1995: I will have my root canal work done this year.

1996: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.

Resolution #10

1993: I will go to church every Sunday.

1994: I will go to church as often as possible.

1995: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.

1996: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.

Three blondes died and were up talking to St. Peter. He said “I
have one question and if you get it I will let you into heaven.”

He asks the first blonde, “What is Easter?” She answers “Oh,
that’s that one time of the year when our whole family gets
together and we eat turkey.”

St. Peter just shook his head and said to the next blonde, “What
is Easter?” She answered, “Oh, that is the time of year when our
family gets together and we all open presents and the fat jolly
guy comes down thechimney.”

Again St. Peter just shook his head. He said to the third
blonde, “What is Easter?” She said, “Oh that’s when Christ died
and they put him in a tomb and rolled a rock in front of it.”
St. Peter smiled and urged, “yes… go on…” The blonde
continued, “then once a year we roll the stone away and he comes
out and if he sees his shadow we have six more weeks of winter.”

Thanksgiving to do list from Martha Stewart…

Blanch the carcass from your Thanksgiving turkey, taking care to remove all meat, cartilage and sinew.Dry carcass thoroughly. Spray paint the carcass gold, turn it upside down, and use it as a sleigh to hold holiday greeting cards.

Outfit neighborhood rats with tiny antlers and elf uniforms.

Deflate your car tires and re-fill them with Glade Holiday Scented air.This way, when your tires get shot out or slashed at the mall, they will release a fresh, cheery scent.

Organize your spice rack by genus and phylum.

When you receive your new phone book, use the old one as a personal address book by simply crossing out the names and addresses of people whom you don’t know.

INTERVIEW WITH THE EASTER BUNNY With the possible exception of Santa Claus himself, there is not a busier mammal on the face of the earth than the Easter Bunny. Once a year, the Easter Bunny hops into the home of hundreds of millions of boys and girls all over the globe, dropping off chocolates, candy and eggs as part of the celebration of Easter. Our Staff spent a few minutes with the Easter Bunny as he was preparing for this year’s task, for a tell-all, no-holds-barred interview. If you thought you knew the Easter Bunny, you just may be surprised.Our Staff: Thanks for talking to us.Easter Bunny: No problem. Do you mind if I eat while we talk? (takes out a packet of small green pellets) I’ve been in a rush recently.OS: Go right ahead. We’ve got a list of questions here, compiled from our members, and I’ll just go down the list if you don’t mind.EB: Ready when you are.OS: The first question comes from Ted, in Dayton, Ohio. He writes: ‘We all know that Santa’s Workshop is located at the North Pole. Does the Easter Bunny have a workshop, and if so, where is it located?’EB: Well, Ted, the answer is yes, I do have a workshop. It’s located in San Bernardino, California.OS: San Bernardino?EB: That’s right.OS: You have to understand that most people would have figured some place like Easter Island.EB: Have you *been* to Easter Island? What a rock! It’s the single most isolated piece of land on the planet. By the time we shipped fresh eggs there, we’d have chickens. Besides, San Bernardino has the sort of motivated labor pool we need.OS: Elves?EB: Laid-off aerospace workers.OS: They would seem to be a little overqualified.EB: Maybe. But now we have some lovely chocolate stealth bombers.OS: Our next question comes from Cindy, in Tempe. She writes: ‘Why is the Easter Bunny a bunny? Why couldn’t it have been the Easter Kitty, or the Easter Puppy?’EB: That’s a very good question. In fact, in the late 70s, we as an organization decided to play around with the whole ‘bunny’ thing by recruiting prominent local animals to deliver Easter baskets. In 1978, when the experiment was at its height, we had an Easter Bunny, an Easter Coyote, an Easter Manatee and an Easter Komodo Dragon.OS: What happened?EB: It just didn’t work out. The Komodo dragon ate the eggs, the coyote just flaked out, and the manatee, if I may say so, was just about as dumb as a stick. There were some other problems with the program, too. The less we talk about the whole Easter Man-Eating Bengali Swamp Tiger episode, the better. Now we stick with bunnies. We know bunnies. We can work with bunnies. Bunnies don’t eat anyone.OS: Bob in Honolulu asks: ‘Is there is just one Easter Bunny? Moreover, has the same Easter Bunny been the Easter Bunny for the last couple of millennia?’EB: The fact of the matter is that there are quite a few Easter Bunnies, and we’ve never made a secret about that. Unlike the Santa Claus operation, which works under the improbable assumption that one guy delivers all those presents -OS: Are you saying that Santa is a sham?EB: I didn’t say that. I never said that. What I am saying is that *we* don’t work under the same sort of constraints. I mean, think about it. One bunny delivering baskets to several hundred million homes across the planet? The friction from the atmosphere alone would turn the poor guy into a bunny briquette. There’d be hideous charcoal smudges all over the baskets. ‘Easter Bunny’ is a job description, not a proper name. It’s like ‘Postal Carrier,’ except our employees very rarely become disgruntled.OS: So why are you THE Easter Bunny?EB: Because I’m boss. You’re not an Easter Bunny until I say you are.OS: How does one become an Easter Bunny?EB: Well, it’s not just hopping down the bunny trail, I’ll tell you. First, for reasons already explained, you have to be a bunny. After that, we have a psychological evaluation and a battery of physical tests you have to pass. We can’t afford to have an Easter Bunny cramp up at the beginning of his run.OS: Any famous rabbits turned down for the job?EB: I don’t want to name names. But one bunny who’s making a living in the breakfast cereal industry, we had to let go. Any time a child would try to get an Easter basket from him, he’d back away and start snarling. He was a silly rabbit. Easter baskets are for kids.OS: He seems to have gotten better since then.EB: Prozac helps.OS: Albert from Coeur d’Alene, Idaho, wants to know what are the occupational hazards of being the Easter Bunny.EB: There are several. Large dogs are always a problem, of course: one moment you’re delivering a basket of goodies, the next, a Rottweiler named Pinochet is on you like a meat-filled sock. Nervous homeowners with guns wing a couple of bunnies a year, as do edgy cops and private security guards. We don’t even bother trying to deliver to the children of militia members anymore; first they’ll plug you for being on their land, then they’ll make you into jerky and a pair of gloves. But you know what our number one problem is?OS: What?EB: Sliding glass doors. Sometimes we’ll just forget they’re there. Man, that’s embarrassing.OS: Here’s an interesting question, from Amy, in New York City. She writes: ‘How does the Easter Bunny get along with Santa Claus? It seems like Santa gets all the attention.’ And I have to say, I did notice some tension earlier, when you brought him up.EB (Looking uncomfortable): Well, you know, look. I don’t want to say anything bad about the guy. He does what he does, and I do what I do. Professionally, we get along fine.OS: But privately?EB: Is that tape recorder turned off?OS: Uh…..sure.EB: He’s a big ol’ pain in this bunny’s bottom. For one thing, he’s a prima donna: always me, me, me, where’s my highball, where’s my corned beef sandwich, tell this dumb bunny to get his own dressing room. I’d rather be trapped in a sack with Joan Crawford. For another, he’s totally paranoid of other large men. He thinks that Luciano Pavarotti is trying to move into his territory. Last year it was John Goodman. He actually danced when Orson Welles kicked, waving his pistol and bellowing ‘Rosebud!’ from the top of his lungs.OS: Wow. He seems a little scary.EB: You think? And yet he gets all the publicity. Why? We do the same job. Mine’s actually tougher, since I’m moving perishable stuff. You can’t have bad eggs or stale chocolate, you know. Folks wouldn’t stand for it. I have to maintain strict quality control. The only food product he has to worry about is fruitcake. You could tile the Space Shuttle with fruitcake.OS: We’re sure you have your own fans.EB: It’s like opening for the Beatles, is all. And he *is* the walrus, if you know what I mean.OS: One final question, from Pat, in Rockford, Illinois; ‘Does the Easter Bunny actually lay eggs? How does that happen, since the Easter Bunny is both male and a mammal?’EB: Well, platypuses are mammals, and they lay eggs. So it’s not impossible.OS: That still leaves the male part.EB: We’re quibbling on details, here.OS: Maybe there should be an Easter Platypus.EB: Sorry. We tried that in ’78.