Category: holidays

Q: How does Al Gore’s household keep Christmas politically correct?A: On Christmas morning, they give the presents TO the tree.

20> The Osbourne Family *)&(#$%^& Christmas Blast!phemy

19> The Democratic Debate That Sucked Out All the Holiday Cheer

18> Runny the Snot Man

17> Grandma Got Run Over by a Steamroller: A “Jackass” Christmas

16> Michael Jackson’s “Staying in Bed for the Holidays” With the Vienna Boys’ Choir

15> The Little Dreidel Boy

14> Martha Stewart’s Holiday Party You Couldn’t Possibly Afford to Host

13> Last-Minute Bargain Shopping and Stocking Stuffing With Winona Ryder

12> Snoop Dogg’s Very Mevizzle Christizzle

11> The Endorsement That Ruined Hanukkah for One Particular Presidential Candidate

10> It’s Dubya With a Fake Turkey, Charlie Brown!

9> One Last Holiday With the Troops: A Bob Hope Cryptmas in Iraq

8> Al Franken narrates “Santa Claus Is a Big Fat Lying Idiot”

7> Don We Now Our Gay Apparel: A “Queer Eye” Christmas

6> A Rockin’ Sockin’ Bobby Brown Kwanzaa

5> A Cruisin’ and Boozin’ Christmas With Glen Campbell, Wynonna Judd and Nick Nolte

4> Go Kill It On the Mountain: A Ted Nugent Reindeer-Huntin’ Holiday!

3> Dancer and Prancer’s “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” USO Spectacular

2> SpongeJesus SwaddlingPants

1> Santa, Live From Inside the Paris Hilton!

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A. He heard the snowblower coming

December 14th
Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn’t have been more surprised.

With dearest love and affection, Agnes

————————————–

December 15th

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves…. I’m just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love, Agnes

——————

December 16th

Dear John:

Oh, aren’t you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don’t deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but I must insist…. you’re just too kind.

Love Agnes

———

December 17th

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don’t you think enough is enough? You’re being too romantic.

Affectionately, Agnes

———————

December 18th

Dearest John:

What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You’re just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love, Agnes

——————

December 19th

Dear John:

When I opened the door there were actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So you’re back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can’t sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!

Cordially, Agnes

—————-

December 20th

John:

What’s with you and those fucking birds???? Seven swans-a-swimming. What kind of goddam joke is this? There’s bird shit all over the house and they never stop the racket. I’m a nervous wreck and I can’t sleep all night. IT’S NOT FUNNY…….So stop with those fucking birds.

Sincerely, Agnes

—————-

December 21st

OK Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking? It’s not enough with all those birds and eight maids-a-milking, but they had to bring their own goddam cows. There is shit all over the lawn and I can’t move into my own house. Just lay off me. SMART ASS.

Ag

—————-

December 22nd

Hey Shithead:

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there’s nine pipers playing. And Christ – do they play. They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You’ll get yours.

From Ag

—————-

December 23rd

You Rotten Prick:

Now there’s ten ladies dancing – I don’t know why I call those sluts ladies. They’ve been balling those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can’t sleep and they’ve got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn’t be condemned. I’m sic-ing the police on you.

One who means it, Ag

——————–

December 24th

Listen Fuckhead:

What’s with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned “ladies”? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you’re satisfied, you rotten swine.

Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister

————————————–

December 25th (From the law offices Taeker, Spredar, and Buggar)

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

It’s Christmas Eve, and Santa arrives in the ghetto. He jumps down the
chimney and is met by a small child who is caught by surprise.

Santa bellows out a hearty “Ho, Ho, Ho!” before opening his pack.

Hearing Santa’s words, the little boy runs through the living room and
hollers, “Mom, it’s for you!”.

Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch)

Step 3: Put turkey in the oven

Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey

Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens

Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink

Step 7: Turn oven the on

Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky

Step 9: Turk the bastey

Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get

Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer

Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey

Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours

Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick

Step 17: Turk the carvey

Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch

Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey

Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

(sung to the tune of “Walking in a Winter Wonderland” –go ahead, SING):

Lacy things, the wife is missin’,

Didn’t ask her permission,

I’m wearin’ her clothes,

Her silk panty hose,

Walkin’ round in women’s underwear.

In the store, there’s a teddy,

Little straps, like spaghetti,

It holds me so tight,

Like handcuffs at night,

Walkin’ round in women’s underwear.

In the office there’s a guy named Marvin,

He pretends that I am Murphy Brown,

He’ll say “Are you Ready”, I’ll say “Whoa, Man!”

Let’s wait until our wives are out of town.

Later on, if you wanna,

We can dress like Madonna,

Put on some eyeshade,

And join the parade,

Walkin’ round in women’s underwear.

10. Boy, if I had not recently shot up four sizes, that would’ve fit.9. It would be ashame if the garbage man ever accidentally took this from me.8. Perfect for wearing in the basement. 7. Well, well, well… 6. I really don’t deserve this. 5. Gosh, I hope this never catches fire! 4. I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire. 3. If the dog buries it, I’ll be furious! 2. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program. 1. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

December 14th
Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn’t have been more surprised.

With dearest love and affection, Agnes

————————————–

December 15th

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves…. I’m just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love, Agnes

——————

December 16th

Dear John:

Oh, aren’t you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don’t deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but I must insist…. you’re just too kind.

Love Agnes

———

December 17th

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don’t you think enough is enough? You’re being too romantic.

Affectionately, Agnes

———————

December 18th

Dearest John:

What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You’re just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love, Agnes

——————

December 19th

Dear John:

When I opened the door there were actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So you’re back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can’t sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!

Cordially, Agnes

—————-

December 20th

John:

What’s with you and those fucking birds???? Seven swans-a-swimming. What kind of goddam joke is this? There’s bird shit all over the house and they never stop the racket. I’m a nervous wreck and I can’t sleep all night. IT’S NOT FUNNY…….So stop with those fucking birds.

Sincerely, Agnes

—————-

December 21st

OK Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking? It’s not enough with all those birds and eight maids-a-milking, but they had to bring their own goddam cows. There is shit all over the lawn and I can’t move into my own house. Just lay off me. SMART ASS.

Ag

—————-

December 22nd

Hey Shithead:

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there’s nine pipers playing. And Christ – do they play. They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You’ll get yours.

From Ag

—————-

December 23rd

You Rotten Prick:

Now there’s ten ladies dancing – I don’t know why I call those sluts ladies. They’ve been balling those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can’t sleep and they’ve got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn’t be condemned. I’m sic-ing the police on you.

One who means it, Ag

——————–

December 24th

Listen Fuckhead:

What’s with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned “ladies”? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you’re satisfied, you rotten swine.

Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister

————————————–

December 25th (From the law offices Taeker, Spredar, and Buggar)

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

The 12 Days of Christmas (Druggie Version)

On the _______________ of Christmas my dealer got for me……

1st A Hemp Fest in the City.
2nd Two Burn Outs.
3rd Three Bong Hits.
4th Four Acid Tabs.
5th Five Used Up Sluts.
6th Six Pounds of Crack.
7th Seven Used Syringes.
8th Eight Busted* Girls.
9th Nine Crack Whores.
10th Ten Kegs of Beer.
11th Eleven Months in Rehab.
12th Twelve Trips to Jail.

Busted means extreamly ugly.

How do English teachers refer to Santa’s Little Helpers?

Subordinate Clauses!

Q: What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?A: It was wound up already.