Category: holidays

Q: How can you tell if a valentine is from a leper?
A: The tongue’s still in the envelope.

TOP TEN SIGNS NO ONE WANTS TO BE YOUR VALENTINE

10. You ain’t a Gingrich, but your nickname’s “Newt”
9. The last time you got laid was during the Eisenhower Administration
8. You spend your vacation chasin’ lizards
7. You get a heart-filled box filled with angry hornets
6. The babes just don’t seem to go for your homemade Star Trek uniform
5. You have one of them handsome Ito beards — and you’re a woman
4. Fox is starting a new show about you: “America’s Least Wanted”
3. You’re taking private tutorials with Joycelyn Elders
2. Phone sex operators keep hanging up on you
1. The Pope asks you for tips on celibacy

• Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the EZ-Boy
• The “Gravy Boat” your wife set out was a real 12′ boat!
• You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your e-mail
• Friday you set off 3 earthquake seismographs on your morning jog
• Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded gravy
• A guest quotes a Biblical passage from “The Feeding of the 5000”
• That rash on your stomach turns out to be steering wheel burn
• Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame called twice
• You consider gluttony your patriotic duty
• Your arms are too short to reach the keyboard & delete this

10. He’s replaced all the elves with scantily clad Swedish exchange students.

9. Mrs. Claus calls him “that fat freak in the red underwear”.

8. He traded in his sleigh for a van with a waterbed.

7. He’s been spending a little too much time with the life-sized Holiday Barbie.

6. His new live-in personal elf valet, Steve.

5. Mrs. Claus having cybersex relationship with accountant from New Jersey.

4. He knows when she’s been sleeping, he knows when she’s awake, because he’s bugged the bedroom.

3. Lately, she keeps “forgetting” to tie her robe when she brings the elves their morning coffee.

2. Stockings aren’t the only things he’s been nailing in front of the fireplace.

1. Not a creature is stirring in Santa’s pants.

How to cook a Turkey…

– Go buy a turkey
– Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) OR JD
– Put turkey in the oven
– Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
– Set the degree at 375 ovens
– Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
– Turn oven the on
– Take 4 whisks of drinky
– Turk the bastey
– Whiskey another bottle of get
– Stick a turkey in the thermometer
– Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
– Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
– Take the oven out of the turkey
– Take the oven out of the turkey
– Floor the turkey up off of the pick
– Turk the carvey
– Get yourself another scottle of botch
– Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
– Bless the saying, pass and eat out

Q: What’s a good holiday tip?A: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.

The Amazing Crescan is going to be putting out an album this Christmas.
It’s called, “Your Dreaming of a White Christmas.”

Where do the female reindeer go when Santa and his male reindeer go do the Christmas run ?

They go into town and blow a few bucks !!!

Q: What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh? A: Santa caught in a revolving door!