Category: holidays

What’s a ghosts favorite clothes?

Boo-jeans.

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop
looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop
owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous
Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. “How do I
get him to sing?” The young man asked, excitedly. “Simply hold a
lighted match directly under his feet.” was the shop owner’s
reply. The shop owner Chet began to sing: “Jingle Bells! Jingle
Bells! …” The shop owner then held another match under the
parrot’s right foot. Then Chet’s tune changed, and the air was
filled with: ” Silent Night. Holy Night…”

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and
ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When
the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. “How beautiful!” She
exclaimed, “Can he talk?” “No,” the young man replied, “But he
can sing. Let me show you.” So the young man whipped out his
lighter and placed it under Chet’s left foot, as the shop-keeper
had shown him, and Chet crooned: “Jingle Bells! Jingle
Bells!…” The man then moved the lighter to Chet’s right foot,
and out came: “Silent Night. Holy Night…”

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, “What if
we hold the lighter between his legs?” The man did not know.
“Let’s try it.” He answered, eager to please his wife. So they
held the lighter between Chet’s legs. Chet twisted his face,
cleared his throat, the little parrot sang out loudly (like it
was the performance of his life): “Chet’s nuts roasting on an
open fire….”

Did you ever wonder if the Pilgrims would have killed bobcats instead of
turkeys? And if so on Thanksgiving we’d be eating pussy!

There once was a little boy. His parents always are arguing
calling each other bitchs and basterds. One day, the little boy
asks what this meens. The parents answer, “well, it means, uh,
ladies and gentlemen”. So, the little boy goes upstairs and
walks in on his grandparents having sex. He hears,” give me your
boobs and give me your balls”, from his grandparents. He asks
them, “what does that mean?”, “uh, hats and coats”, they
answered. So, the little boy makes his way down the stairs and
hears his mum mutter “fuck!”. He walks in to the kitchen to find
her cutting the turkey. He asks, ” what does that mean?”. His
mom answers,”um, well, preparing the turkey”. So, he goes
upstairs and hears his dad scream shit!!. So, he asks his dad
what that means. He anwers,”well, it’s shaving cream”.
“DING DONG”, the little boy runs downstairs to greet the
guests for thanksgiving dinner. He anwers the door,” Hello
bitches and basterds, give me your boobs and balls”. The guests
are very offended and ask him where his parents are. “My moms in
the kitchen fucking the turkey, and my dad is upstairs putting
shit on his face”, he answers.

20> Deck the Hoz

19> Gift-Wrapper’s Delight

18> Grandma Got Run Over by an Escalade

17> Slay Ride

16> Frosty Da Blow Man

15> Here We Come A-Wizzassaillzzin’

14> We Three Pimps

13> Police Navidad

12> I Saw Daddy Capping Santa’s Ass

11> Blingle Bells

10> I’dlay Maria

9> All I Want for Christmas is My Two Gold Teeth

8> Angels We Have Heard While High

7> Jingle Bell Glock

6> We Wish You a Ludacrismas

5> O Lil’ Kim of Bethlehem

4> Hood King Wenceslas

3> Violent Night

2> Baby Got Socks

1> Whose Kid Is This, Bitch?!?

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

Where people call to get advice how to cook a Turkey from the experts

* Thanksgiving Dinner on the run. A woman called 1-800-323-4848 to find out how long it would take to roast her turkey. To answer the question, the Talk-Line home economist asked how much the bird weighed. The woman responded, “I don’t know, it’s still running around outside.”

* Tofu turkey? No matter how you slice it, Thanksgiving just isn’t Thanksgiving without turkey. A restaurant owner in California wanted to know how to roast a turkey for a vegetarian menu

* Then there’s the time a lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”

A man wants to buy a pet for his girlfriend for Christmas, so he goes to a pet shop…
“Hello, I was thinking of buying a pet for my girlfriend.”

“You came to the right place. How about a parrot?”

“I don’t know, I was thinking of a more romantic animal.”

“It is not just a parrot. It is a singing parrot. He sings three different Christmas songs. LEt me show you.”

The pet shop worker raises the parrot’s right foot and lights a match under it. The parrot sings, “We wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish..” The match is then removed. He then lights a match under the left foot. “Dashing through the snow in a one horse opeen sleigh…” The match is then removed.

The man enthusiastically says, “That’s really neat. Let me hear the third song.”

The pet shop worker then puts a lit match between the parrot’s legs. “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire..”

BUTTERBALL TURKEY TALK-LINE ‘GREATEST HITS'(or, ‘Memorable Moments in Talk-Line History;’ or, ‘Out of the Mouths of…. Turkey Trauma Victims’)Over the years, the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line staff have had their share of memorable calls — inquiries that stand out from the crowd because they’re heartwarming or amusing. We asked some of the veteran staff members to tell us their favorites; plus, we rounded up a bunch of our own personal favorites from the Talk-Line archives. Its hard to beat the call from a trucker who planned to cook his Thanksgiving turkey on the engine of his truck (‘Will it cook faster if I drive faster?’), but some of these come pretty close. Warning: do not attempt to adjust your screen — these are real incidents, true stories — from the front lines!* Home alone, a Kentucky woman was in the doghouse when she called the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line. While preparing the turkey, her Chihuahua jumped into the bird’s body cavity and couldn’t get out. She tried pulling the dog and shaking the bird, but nothing worked. She and the dog became more and more distraught. After calming the woman down, the Talk-Line home economist suggested carefully cutting the opening in the cavity of the turkey wider. It worked and Fido was freed!* Birdie, eagle and turkey? Roasting a turkey doesn’t have to interfere with the daily routine, so said a retired Floridian. He called ‘Turkey Central’ for turkey grilling tips while waiting to tee off from the 14th hole.* Taking turkey preparation an extra step, a Virginian wondered, ‘How do you thaw a fresh turkey?’ The Talk-Line staffer explained that fresh turkeys aren’t frozen and don’t need to be thawed.* Don’t wait until the last minute! On Thanksgiving Day, a Georgian woman took the ‘Be prepared’ motto to heart. She had just agreed to host Thanksgiving Dinner and called the Talk-Line a year ahead of time for turkey tips.* Happy Thanksgiving, President Clinton! A Southern woman called to comment, ‘On Thanksgiving Day, the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line is more important than the President. He can take the day off, but the Talk-Line staff can’t.’ (The Butterball Turkey Talk-Line is open Thanksgiving Day, 6 a.m. to 6 p.m., Central Standard Time.)* Thanksgiving Dinner on the run. A woman called 1-800-323-4848 to find out how long it would take to roast her turkey. To answer the question, the Talk-Line home economist asked how much the bird weighed. The woman responded, ‘I don’t know, it’s still running around outside.’* Tofu turkey? No matter how you slice it, Thanksgiving just isn’t Thanksgiving without turkey. A restaurant owner in California wanted to know how to roast a turkey for a vegetarian menu.* White meat, anyone? A West Coast woman took turkey preparation to extremes by scrubbing her bird with bleach. Afterward, she called the Talk-Line to find out how to clean off the bleach. To her dismay, she was advised to dispose of the turkey.* A young girl called on behalf of her mother who needed roasting advice. To provide approximate roasting times, the home economist asked what size the turkey was. Without asking her mother the little girl paused, then replied, ‘Medium.’* A novice turkey-cooking chef wanted to know if the yellow netting and wrapper around the turkey should be removed before roasting. Envisioning a melted plastic turkey blob, the home economist responded, ‘Yes,’ then offered complete roasting directions.

You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.

You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.

You strike a match and light your nose.

You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.

You hear someone say, “Call a priest!”

You hear a duck quacking and it’s you.

You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.

You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.

Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.

You start kissing the portraits on the wall.

You refill your glass from the fish bowl.

You tell everyone you have to go home…and the party’s at your place.

You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.

You yawn at the biggest bore in the room…and realize you’re in front of the hall mirror.

You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.

You’re at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan.

You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.

You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.

You realize you’re the only one under the coffee table.

SEATTLE’S TURKEY DAY ETIQUETTE It’s been 145 years since the first white settlers landed at Alki Beach at Thanksgiving time, took one look at the overcast skies and the sodden, rain-soaked West Seattle terrain, and burst into tears.(History, alas, doesn’t record the response of the Native Americans when they spotted those tear-drenched settlers. But they probably were too polite to laugh out loud.)In the intervening years, the first residents and the settlers have worked out the rules for Thanksgiving, Puget Sound style. Here they are, recently updated by an ad hoc Turkey Day committee:DRESS CODE. Thanksgiving Day guests will arrive wearing Seattle tuxes: clean jeans, turtleneck sweaters and down jackets with weathered ski-lift tags. Hiking boots are optional.CONVERSATION’S GAMBIT. Topics will include: 1) the election; 2) previous elections; and, 3) the next election. Several arguments will ensue before the host or hostess declares politics ‘off-limits.’CLEANERS’ COROLLARY. Spills will happen in direct proportion to the staining capacity of the dish (cranberry sauce rates high) and the expense of dry cleaning the garment.CHRISTMAS CONVENTION. If you are attending a family gathering, expect this reminder: ‘Don’t forget to bring your Christmas list to Thanksgiving dinner.’MEOW’S MOMENT. The family cat will appear long enough to 1) shed hair on anyone wearing a black or navy-blue sweater; 2) perch on the lap of whoever most dislikes cats; and, 3) insist on sharing the smoked-salmon hors d’oeuvres.OLD-TIMERS’ LAMENT. Some oldster in the group will remark that it’s a rotten shame there’s no longer a Turkey Day football game between Puget Sound and Seattle high-school champs.ELBOW’S LAW. Local custom calls for every left-handed diner to be seated to the right of a right-handed diner, maximizing chances for spills.PORCELAIN’S PROGRESS. At least two different patterns of dinnerware must be visible on Puget Sound tables during every course.SALAD LAW. Tossed salads supplied by guests will arrive with an excess of moisture, supplied by ambient rainfall. If the day is merely overcast, the host or hostess should add water before serving.MOLDED SALAD LAW. Guaranteed to do one of three things: contain miniature marshmallows, fail to unmold properly, or slide off the serving plate onto the lap of one of the diners.GRAVY’S CONSTANT. The silver gravy boat — a wedding present from Great Aunt Emma and Uncle Ed — will vanish before the meal. It will show up next summer when you’re searching for beach towels.TURKEY’S GRIPE. One vegetarian guest will complain about the fare, saying, ‘Why can’t we ever have tofu au gratin?’PIE’S PARADOX. Provide two kinds of pie and diners will either decline or ask for ‘a sliver of both.’POLLYANNA’S PRINCIPLE. Guests will include one orphan, someone from out of town who can’t make it home. If no orphan is available, the family oddball can substitute.REFRIGERATOR’S RULE. After all guests depart, at least one never-served dish will turn up in the refrigerator.DEPARTURE’S RULE. Some guests will arrive very early; some will show up late. But they’ll all leave at the same time.

THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING, BUT AREN’T…

“Whew, that’s one terrific spread!”
“I’m in the mood for a little dark meat.”
“Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.”
“Talk about a huge breast!”
“It’s Cool Whip time!”
“If I don’t undo my pants, I’ll burst!”
“Are you ready for seconds yet?”
“Are you going to come again next time?”
“It’s a little dry, do you still want to eat it?”
“Just wait your turn, you’ll get some!”
“Don’t play with your meat.”
“Just spread the legs open & stuff it in.”
“I didn’t expect everyone to come at once!”
“You still have a little bit on your chin.”
“How long will it take after you stick it in?”
“You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.”
“How many are coming?”
“That’s the biggest one I’ve ever seen!”
“How long do I beat it before it’s ready?”
“It must be broken ’cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out.”

Q: Why doesn’t Santa have any children?
A: Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it’s down the
chimney.

Q: Why are women’s breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas
time?
A: Because they were originally made for children but it’s the
fathers who want to play with them.

Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A: You do all the work, and the fat guy with the suit gets all the
credit.

Q: How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike?
A: They both have ornamental balls.

Q: How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer “Olive?”
Olive?
A: Yeah, you know, “Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and
call him names…”

Q: What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male
reindeer out on Christmas Eve?
A: They go into town, and blow a few bucks.

Q: What’s the difference between snowmen and snow ladies?
A: Snowballs.