Category: holidays

Twas the night before Christmas, and less I could care,
Just playing with Pepi and getting nowhere,

My hair stood on end, my feet hit the mat,
one hell of a racket, my god! what was that!

Shingles from the roof came tumbling down,
and as I looked out they were all on the ground,

I made a dive for the parlour my pants in my hands,
How much of this bullshit can one person stand,

Just as I thought twas our jolly old friend,
down the chimney he came, ass over end,

That’s who it was I could tell by his dress,
All covered with deer shit, a hell of a mess,

He came limping out in a pile of soot,
bitching cause Prancer had stepped on his foot,

By his grunts and his groans his heaves and his sighs,
I knew right away he was pissed to the eyes,

He upset the tree fell over a chair,
and did nothing but bitch all the time he was there,

“All these damn kids will drive me berserk,
you have all the fun, I have all the work,”

His junk was all broken and spread on the floor,
and I saw when he turned that his britches were tore,

Exposed to the cold his ass was all blue,
he screamed, ” I’ll be glad when this damn night is through”

He dug and he scratched, the seven years itch,
He gave it to me the son of a bitch,

I guess all his capers finally went to my head,
I grabbed the old bastard and must have seen red,

I kicked his fat ass right out of the room,
If he ever comes back it’ll still be too soon,

I heard him exclaim ‘ere he drew out of site,
“Piss on you all, what a hell of a night.”

1)I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter, The Board Game

2)Jimmy Dean’s Pork Log O’ Fun

3)The Chia Coat

4)”Miracle Grow, Your Lawn and You” a 14 hour video perspective

5)Pepper Spray Flavored Silly String

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? A: Frostbite.

Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter ?A: Because it’s to far to walk.

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your
balance and fall over.
6. People say, “Great Keith Richards mask!” and you’re not
wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, “Trick or…” and can’t
remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining
orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge
your hairpiece.
2. You’re the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a
walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-spouses live

One day, an elf in Santa’s workshop is busily working when he sees another
elf handing santa a small green bag with a small little-happy-face sticker
on it.

Now, this elf doesn’t look like most. He had black hair, a mustache, and a
big pink-fancy car outback instead of the usual, well…nothing, in fact,
elfs didn’t have any form of transportation.

So, he goes up to the strange elf and asks him, “What was that you just
gave Santa?” And the elf replies, “You know why Santa is so happy? Well,
its not just a little tobacco in that brown pipe of his.”

Joan, who was rather well-proportioned, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
She’d hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

“Excuse me, miss,” said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. “The Hilton doesn’t mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.”

“What difference does it make?” Joan asked rather calmly. “No one can see me up here, and besides, I’m covered with a towel.”

“Not exactly,” said the embarrassed man. “You’re lying on the dining room skylight.”

Turkey Shot Out of the Oven…

The turkey shot out of the oven
The turkey shot out of the oven
And rocketed into the air,
It knocked every plate off the table
And partly demolished a chair.
It ricocheted into a corner
And burst with a deafening boom,
Then splattered all over the kitchen,
Completely obscuring the room.
It stuck to the walls and the windows,
It totally coated the floor,
There was turkey attached to the ceiling,
Where there’d never been turkey before.
It blanketed every appliance,
It smeared every saucer and bowl,
There wasn’t a way I could stop it,
That turkey was out of control.
I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure,
And thought with chagrin as I mopped,
That I’d never again stuff a turkey
With popcorn that hadn’t been popped.

THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING, BUT AREN’T…
“Whew, that’s one terrific spread!”
“I’m in the mood for a little dark meat.”
“Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.”
“Talk about a huge breast!”
“It’s Cool Whip time!”
“If I don’t undo my pants, I’ll burst!”
“Are you ready for seconds yet?”
“Are you going to come again next time?”
“It’s a little dry, do you still want to eat it?”
“Just wait your turn, you’ll get some!”
“Don’t play with your meat.”
“Just spread the legs open & stuff it in.”
“Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at once?”
“I didn’t expect everyone to come at once!”
“You still have a little bit on your chin.”
“Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it.”
“How long will it take after you stick it in?”
“You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.”
“Wow, I didn’t think I could handle all of that!”
“How many are coming?”
“That’s the biggest one I’ve ever seen!”
“Just lay back & take it easy…I’ll do the rest.”
“How long do I beat it before it’s ready?”

The Grinch stole their papers, their bongs, and their pipes
then he looked round the room for some reefers to swipe
He crawled up the chimney, and scurried away
leaving only seeds and ashes on their tray.

10. He’s replaced all the elves with scantily clad Swedish exchange students

9. Mrs. Claus calls him “that fat freak in the red underwear”

8. He traded in his sleigh for a van with a waterbed

7. He’s been spending a little too much time with the life-sized Holiday Barbie

6. His new live-in personal elf valet, Steve

5. Mrs. Claus having cybersex relationship with accountant from New Jersey

4. He knows when she’s been sleeping, he knows when she’s awake, because he’s bugged the bedroom

3. Lately, she keeps “forgetting” to tie her robe when she brings the elves their morning coffee

2. Stockings aren’t the only things he’s been nailing in front of the fireplace

1. Not a creature is stirring in Santa’s pants……

Thanksgiving Forecast:

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F.The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway.During the evening, the turkey will dimish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established.Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day.We expect a warming trend where soup develops.By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.