Category: holidays

Is There a Santa Claus? A Rebuttal…

Rebuttal: Several key points are overlooked by this callous, amateurish ”study.”

Flying reindeer: As is widely known due to the excellent historical documentary ”Santa Claus is Coming to Town,” the flying reindeer are not a previously unknown species of reindeer, but were in fact given the power of flight due to eating magic acorns. As is conclusively proven in ”Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” (a no-punches- pulled look at life in Santa’s village), this ability has bred true in subsequent generations of reindeer–obviously the magic acorns imprinted their power on a dominant gene sequence within the reindeer DNA strand.

Number of households: This figure overlooks two key facts. First of all, the first major schism in the Church split the Eastern Churches, centered in Byzantium, from the Western, which remained centered in Rome. This occurred prior to the Gregorian correction to the Julian calendar. The Eastern churches (currently called Orthodox Churches) do not recognize the Gregorian correction for liturgical events, and their Christmas is, as a result, several days after that of the Western Churches’. Thus, Santa gets two shots at delivering toys.

Secondly, the figure of 3.5 children per household is based on the gross demographic average, which includes households with no children at all. The number of children per household, when figured as an average for households with children, would therefore have to be adjusted upward. Also, the largest single Christian denomination is Roman Catholic, who, as we all know, breed like rabbits. If you don’t believe me, ask my four brothers and two sisters–they’ll back me up. Due to the predominance of Catholics within Christian households, the total number of households containing Christian children would have to be adjusted downward to reflect the overloading of Catholics beyond a standard deviation from the median.

Also, the assertion that each home would contain at least one good child would be reasonable enough if there were in fact an even 3.5 children per household. However, since the number of children per household is distributed integrally, there is a significant number (on the order of several million) of one-child Christian households. Even though only children are notoriously spoiled–and therefore disproportionately inclined toward being naughty–since it’s the holidays we’ll be generous and give them a fifty-fifty chance of being nice. This removes one half of the single-child households from Santa’s delivery schedule, which has already been reduced by the removal of the Orthodox households from the first delivery run.

Santa’s delivery run (speed, payload, etc.): These all suffer from the dubious supposition that there is only one Santa Claus. The name ”Santa” is obviously either Spanish or Italian, two ethnic groups which are both overwhelmingly Catholic. The last name Claus suggests a joint German/

16> Auto mechanics who don’t ask how the barbecue sauce got into my engine oil.

15> Suppression of our e-mail addresses means we’re not constantly inundated by messages from humor-starved supermodels.

14> After memorizing those funny hurricane names, I’m always the life of the party!

13> Despite the revenue hit Chris has taken with the drop in Internet advertising, he still only charges us $2,500 a year to be contributors.

12> We only need to be half as funny as the Top Ten writers.

11> If it weren’t for TopFive, I would never get laid. Come to think of it, I never get laid anyway, but at least with TopFive, I can hold on to the false hope.

10> That all the dates from hell I endure will make a great chapter in my eventual VH-1 biography.

9> At long last, the glorious return of Alf to television!

8> Soft summer rains, the musical laugh of a child… and Britney Spears getting sluttier by the minute.

7> With all the valuable skills I’m learning, one day I, too, might become President of the United States.

6> The Statute of Limitations.

5> Well, you know that feeling of exhilaration combined with relief that you get when you pop a big fat zit?

4> Mom’s three jobs and arthritis won’t stop her from cooking up a 27-course feast and serving it to me on the couch so I don’t have to miss any football.

3> J.Lo took that needy, clingy Ben Affleck off my hands.

2> Chris always fixes hour spelling, grammer and punctuation so, we dont look stupid.

1> I’m thankful that I live in a great nation where I can still disagree with the government without fear of the Homeland Security DepartIPpa*)#^%#8000 NO CARRIER

Singing Tree Tattles On Burglar Suspects

BATON ROUGE, La. (Reuters) – A singing Christmas tree tattled on two teenage
burglary suspects in Louisiana, leaving the boys with backsides full of
buckshot rather than handfuls of loot, police said Tuesday.
Businessman Leon Wilson, Sr., 59, had been robbed twice last week, so he
started sleeping in his store Friday night and set up a makeshift burglar
alarm — a motion-activated toy Christmas tree his wife had perched near the
store’s cash register. Wilson said the toy annoyed him everytime someone
walked by.
When motion is detected, the tree’s eyes pop open, its mouth moves and it
calls out “Merry Christmas, Everybody!” before singing “Jingle Bells.” Wilson
set up the toy near the door and stretched out on a couch in the back.
Early Monday morning, the singing Christmas tree went off and he spotted two
burglars near the cash register, armed with a crowbar they allegedly used to
pry open the door, Wilson said.
“They spotted me and bolted for the door and I started shooting, aiming low
cause I didn’t want to kill them,” he said. “I don’t think the Lord would have
blessed me for that. But now, maybe, burglars won’t come back here.”
Baton Rouge police said the two 16-year-old suspects, one with buckshot in
his buttocks and the other with a minor leg wound, were arrested on burglary
charges and released to their parents.
Police did not identify the boys because they are juveniles.
Police said no charges were filed against Wilson, although the case will be
forwarded to the district attorney for review.

An Ebonics X-mas The Night Befo’ Crizmus
Wuz da night befo Crizmus An all thru da hood Everybody be sleepin’ Dey was sleepin real good

We hunged up our stockins An hoped like all heck Dat ‘ol Sanny Claws Gonna brang us our check

All of da fambly Wuz layin in beds While Thunderbird wine Danced thru dere heds

I dun passed out on ze flo’ Right nex to my maw When I heared such a fuss I thunk – it mus be da law

I looked out thru da bars What could I now do I was spectin the sherrif With a warrent for sho’

And what did I see Made me say, “Lawd look at dat” Dere was a huge watahmelon Pulled by 8 big ass rats

Now ober all da years Sanny Claws he be white But it looks like us bros Get a black Sanny tonite

Faster dan a po lice car My homeboy he came He whupped up on dem rats As he called dem be name

On Leroy, On Roosevelt On Virvus, On Willie On Yolanda, On Crayola On Kiesha, and Nefrotilly

An ‘ol Sanny landed dat watahmelon Out dere in da street I knowed it fo shu Da damnest ting I eber did seed

Dat black Sanny didn’t go down no chimbly He picked da lock on my do’ An I sez to myeslf “Shit – He dis befo’

He had did big bag Full of prezents I speck Wif Air Jordans and fake gold To wear roun my nek

But he left no prezents Jus started stealin my shit Got my guns, got my crack Eben my burgler’s kit

Wit my shit in his bag Out da windo he flew I sho woulda chased him But he got my knife too

He jumped on dat watahmelon Wit out a hitch He wuz gone in a second That son of a bitch

So nex year I be hopin’ A white Sanny we git ‘Cause a black Sanny Claws Jus ain’t worf a shit!

Every Christmas morning, when my kids were little, I read them the nativity story out of the big family bible.When my son was old enough to talk, he asked me what a stable was.I thought for a moment how to explain it to him in terms he could understand, then told him, “It’s something like your sister’s room, but without a stereo.”

Season’s Greetings

Money’s Short
Times are Hard
Here’s your Fucking
Christmas Card

Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house
everyone felt shitty
even the mouse

mom at the whorehouse
and dad smoking grass
I’d just settled down
for a nice piece of ass

when out on the lawn
I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my piece
to see what’s the matter

then out on the lawn
I saw a big dick
I knew in a moment
it must be Saint Nick

He came down the chimney
like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment
the old fucker fell

he filled all our stockings
with pretzels and beer
and a big rubber dick
for my brother the queer

he rose up the chimney
with a thuderous fart
the son of a bitch
blew the chimney apart

he swore and he cursed
as he rode out of sight
piss on you all
and have a good night

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips. Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care in hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps had just settled down to sugar-borne naps. When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash tore open the icebox then threw up the sash. The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.When what to my wandering eyes should appear: a marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer! That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick I knew in a second that I’d wind up sick.The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear; On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS a Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.From the top of the scales to the top of the hall now dash away pounds now dash away all. Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress my clothes were all bulging from too much excess.My droll little mouth and my round little belly they shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly. I spoke not a word but went straight to my work ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.And laying a finger beside my heartburn I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned. I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry if temptation’s removed I’ll get thin by and by.And I mumbled again as I turned for the night in the morning I’ll starve . . . ’til I take that first bite.

20> “Why do we celebrate Turkey day, anyway? Isn’t that a country in France or something?”

19> “So how did the pilgrims know to pick a day when everyone would be home from work?”

18> “Nick, you’re so smart! You saved money by getting a FREE range turkey!”

17> “Put down the carving knife! Jessica has her head stuck in the turkey again!”

16> “… all breasts and thighs, and where the head should be there’s nothing but stuffing! But hey, enough about Jessica — where’s the turkey?”

15> “We’re having a huge ball of butter for dinner? How totally gross!”

14> “How can could the Indians eat so much food and stay skinny like that Gandhi guy?”

13> “We shouldn’t eat turkeys! They should remain free to roam the plains of Africa with the kangaroos, the dinosaurs and the noble capybara!”

12> “In honor of our Native American friends, burritos for everyone!”

11> “Mom, Nick wants me to cook. Does the Yellow Pages have a section for ‘people who cook Thanksgiving dinner for celebrities’?”

10> “Nick, I give up. I’ve hunted all morning and haven’t found a single egg.”

9> “I saw Spider-Man in the Macy’s parade. You wouldn’t believe how much weight Tobey Maguire has gained since the movie! He’s huge!!”

8> “I didn’t know turkey guts were made out of bread!”

7> “White meat or dark meat? Hey… it’s *all* turkey meat! You can’t trick me again!”

6> “Damn. I was really hoping Thanksgiving was on Friday this year.”

5> “Stuff the turkey? I didn’t have to — it wasn’t empty. Duh!”

4> “I’m not sure if I did the turkey right. The recipe said to rub olive oil all over the breast, but all that did was make my bra sticky.”

3> “It’s a melted Snickers bar. I made *candied* yams this year.”

2> “Hey, look! If you open *both* ends of the cranberry sauce can, two people can eat it at the same time!”

1> “You want me to do WHAT with the gerblets?”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

14> Loading Santa’s Sleigh

13> Dropping Toys Down the Chimney

12> Stuffing the Intestinal Stocking

11> Opening an Account With E.F. Glutton

10> Getting Stockingfaced

9> Fueling the Mother of All Yule Logs

8> Dreaming of a Wide Christmas

7> Becoming a Macy’s Float

6> Circuit-Training the Ol’ Sansabelt Muscles

5> Digest Ye Sedentary Gentlemen

4> Getting on Jenny Craig’s “Naughty” List

3> Not Letting the Nutritionists Win

2> Uploading to Napster

1> Providing Shade for the Ol’ Yule Log

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

Top ten way *I’m* spending this valentine’s day.

10. Watching “Fatal Attraction” over and over to remind me what I’m not
missing.

9. Trying to decide how much to pay for sex … $20, $50, $200, the rest of
my life?

8. Wondering if the Asian mail order woman company really has a money-back
guarantee.

7. Calling all the women I’ve gone out with in the last year, and asking them
if they enjoyed my wedding presents.

6. Renting the Jocelyn Elders workout video.

5. Waiting until tomorrow when I can buy all the really cheap chocolate, then
eating like a pig.

4. Taking my significant other, Candy, to be patched at the local bicycle
repair shop.

3. Compaigning for a law banning the following phrases:
Can’t we just be friends?
I think of you as a brother. (sister)
I mean *sleep* together.
You’d like him — he’s a lot like you.
My boyfriend (girlfriend) and i got back together.
Sure, I’ll go out with you.. but only casually
(at first this seems innocent until you realize it
means “You buy me food, movies, and
parking, and in the end, I’ll break your heart”)
You’re the only one for me. (when said by a man)
You can trust me. (ditto)
Someday, it’ll happen to you (when said by anyone
married).

2. Going cherub hunting with some anti-tank missiles.

….and the #1 way I’m spending valentine’s:
1. Ignoring everyone, being surly, anti-social and just generally bitter
about not owning stock in Hallmark.

Dear Santa,
I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes.

In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.

First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatmen; the bitch has EVERYTHING! I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dream house, Corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to change our hairstyle. I personally have 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I, too, would like a change in my career. Have you considered “Decorator Ken”, “Beauty Salon Ken”, or “Out of Work Actor Ken”? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as:”S&M Ken”, “Green Lantern Ken”, “Circuit Ken”, “Bear Ken”, “Master Ken”. These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can”push me away”, I need bendable knees so I can kick that bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations- we’ve talked about this issue before.

In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blonde bimbo from Hell will result in action taken by myself and others.

PS. Barbie can forget about having Joe; he’s mine, at least that is what he said last night.

Sincerely, Ken

Twas the night before Christmasand throughout the substation,Not a deputy stirred,they were all on vacation. The stockings were hungon the wall with great care,Next to some T-shirtsand old underwear. I was working the night shiftcompiling stats,Answering the phone,and feeding the rat. When all of a suddenthere arose such a clatter,I leapt from my deskto see what was the matter! I opened the doorwith a creak and a crick,And saw a jolly red fat manI knew must be St. Nick. I had seen his picturea time or two,He was wanted:Article 27 – Section 342. I threw open the doorand commanded him “Freeze!””Put your hands on you headand get down on your knees.” But he turned and he ran,up the chimney he flew,With me in pursuit,toward Booth St. I knew. When we got to the roofSanta made for his sleigh,Throwing down toysand blocking my way. As I got to the peak,he threw down some crack,I slipped and I felllanding flat on my back. To my front I was facedwith a toy M-1 tank,And Pink Power Rangerscovering my flank. “On Dasher, on Dancer!”,he cried loud and clear.Then I got off three roundsand dropped the lead deer. And I heard Santa sayas he sailed into the blue,”Merry Christmas to all!My Lawyers will sue!”