18. Shaves head and beard, then insists on being called “Santa Kurtz.”
17. Tells kids about the comparative kill ratio of the AK-47 over the Daisy Air Rifle.
16. Those nasty chewing tobacco streaks in his beard.
15. Has a complimentary tray of North Pole “Tundra Oysters” ready for the toddlers.
14. After every child’s request, asks, “Wouldn’t you rather have a nice big bag of clams?”
13. The twinkle in his eye and the twitch of his nose are due to a lack of medication.
12. Every so often, snaps into a Slim Jim and growls, “You’ve been bad and now you’re going down, punk!”
11. Actually enjoys it when small children urinate on his lap.
10. Promises children O.J. will be cleared of all wrongdoing.
9. Caught drinking red wine with fish during break.
8. “Hey kid, bet I can wet my pants faster than you can!”
7. Insists on blowing his nose in children’s hair.
6. Despite massive photographic evidence to the contrary, claims to have never worn white gloves or shiny black boots.
5. That snowy beard? Nothin’ but nose hair.
4. Answers every child’s toy request with “Dream on, PeeWee!”
3. When a child wets on his lap, he returns the favor.
2. Instead of a candy cane, gives each kid a pack of Marlboros and a homemade venison pie.
1. While it’s admittedly a nifty trick, blowing smoke rings out of his tracheotomy hole is just scaring the hell out of the kiddies.