Category: holidays

15. Santa *remembers* it’s Christmas. ‘Nuf said.

14. Reads children’s letters in office instead of in bathroom.

13. Never explains what exactly you did to deserve that coal in your stocking; if you have to ask, maybe that’s the problem!

12. Employs little people in a sweatshop and co-hosts TV talk show, “Regis and Santa Lee.”

11. Despite the closet full of red coats with big black belts, *still* insists she has nothing to wear on Christmas Eve.

10. “Mrs. Claus” wears work boots, has a crew cut, and drives a ’68 El Camino.

9. A man simply would not care if you were naughty or nice.

8. Actually seems to shake like TWO bowls full of jelly.

7. Bowl full of jelly, my ass. It’s water retention.

6. Constantly whining about equality until it’s time to clean out the reindeer stalls.

5. Matching shoes and belt? Only a woman would accessorize a pantsuit like that!

4. No guy would ever name his animals Dancer and Prancer.

3. Santa never, ever observed peeing off of rooftops.

2. The North Pole Blockbuster’s been out of “The Horse Whisperer” for weeks.

1. With the way they build chimneys these days you’d *have* to be Calista friggin’ Flockhart just to get in!

[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]

[ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]

CONTROVERSY: Should the tree be real or fake?

YUPPIE: Live tree, planted after use

MALE: Fake tree, discarded after use

FEMALE: Grow tree in house, adorned with fruits

REALITY: Fake tree stays up until May, adorned with fur-balls

CONTROVERSY: Should tree lights twinkle or stay constant?

YUPPIE: Each bulb blinks to its own random rhythm

MALE: Bulbs flash logo of football team

FEMALE: Elegant flickering candles

REALITY: Tree bursts into flames, burns house down

CONTROVERSY: Should tree be topped with an angel or a star?

YUPPIE: Gender-neutral angel; no submissive female stereotype

MALE: Blonde angel, kneeling, in a wet T-shirt

FEMALE: Authentic angel explains true meaning of Christmas

REALITY: Hell’s Angel steals the tree and the gifts

CONTROVERSY: Do ya fling or hang tinsel?

YUPPIE: Empower each strand w/self-determining skills

MALE: Six large clumps of tinsel on front of tree

FEMALE: Each icicle hangs like strand of delicate artwork

REALITY: More icicles on floor than on tree

CONTROVERSY: Do ya open gifts on Christmas Eve or morning?

YUPPIE: Gifts opened on posted, individual schedules so all

enjoy surprise

MALE: Anytime, just so it doesn’t interfere with football

FEMALE: Anytime the entire family is present

REALITY: Doesn’t matter, everyone’s peeked anyway

CONTROVERSY: Ham or Turkey for Christmas Dinner

YUPPIE: Baked Tofu Balls stuffed with wheat germ

MALE: Anything, as long as there’s plenty of both it – and beer

FEMALE: A meal the entire family plans and prepares

REALITY: Chinese carry-out or McDonald’s

My love for you… it came and went. So your feet are now in wet cement.I’m here to fulfill your fondest wishes- Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes.Lie down with me- It’s my final offa, Or you’ll be lying wit’ Jimmy Hoffa.I picked up this card from a slim selection, But that’s all they offer in witness protection.I’ve waited so long for you to be mine! Now that Sinatra’s dead, be *my* Valentine.Be my Valentine… and we can do it execution-style.Cinderella got her fella, with a slipper made of glass. So please be mine, Valentine, or I’ll have to whack your ass.Violets are blue, roses are red. I blew up your car- So why ain’t you dead?The day we met, my little pet, I knew with just one look, You’d bear a son, and now that’s done, So shut your mouth and cook!Hey.Youse da greatest. Youse da best. But youse is untouchable Like Elliot Ness.Lust is fleeting, True love lingers. Be mine always And you’ll keep your fingers.Hope da chocolates is good, but y’know, dis ain’t really what a guy’s heart looks like.Valentine, Dear, lend me a hand, So I won’t be a self-made man.When a goon makes you die, cuz you told him goodbye — that’s amore!

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but couldn’t find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”

The stock boy replied, “No, ma’am, they’re dead.”

Just in off the AP wire…

BUSH SUES SANTA

AUSTIN, TX – Dec.15 – Attorneys for Texas Governor George W. Bush filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh.

The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas, asks a federal judge to “hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as submitted, without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification.”

“There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It’s totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check? This checking, checking, and re-checking over and over again must stop now,” said former Secretary James Baker.

Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf remove all boys named Brad from the “nice” list, filing them under “naughty” instead because “everyone knows all boys named Brad are brats.”

Gov. Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, and blasted what he called the “fuzzy math up there at the North Pole.”

“Their security is really awful, really bad,” said Bush. “My mother just walked right in, told ’em she was Mrs. Claus. They didn’t check her ID or nothing.”

Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, Gov. Bush’s running mate, issued a direct plea to St. Nick himself. “Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit checking your list. The children of the world have had enough. They demand closure now,” Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already selected a name for the pony that she’s asked for.

Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but a spokes-elf said he was “deeply distressed” by news of the pending legal action against him. “He’s losing weight, and he hasn’t said ‘Ho Ho Ho’ for days,” said the spokes-elf. “He’s just not feeling jolly.”

As a little boy climbed onto Santa’s lap, Santa asked the usual,”And what would you like for Christmas?” The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, “Didn’t you get my E-mail?”

Q: What’s red and white and falls down the chimney?

A: Santa Klutz!!!!

Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, then what do astronauts get?

A: Missile toe.

Q: Why is it so cold at Christmas?

A: It?s in Decembrrrrr.

Q: What do elves learn in school?

A: The Elf-abet!

Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?

A: North Polish.

Q: Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?

A: He wanted to sleep like a log.

Q: Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?

A: Because every buck is dear to him.

‘Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house,

I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.

Instructions were studied and we were inspired,

in hopes we could manage “Some Assembly Required.”

The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,

while Mom and I faced the evening with dread:

a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie’s town house to boot!

And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!

We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat….

let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!

Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;

if we can’t get it right, it goes in the basement!

When what to my worrying eyes should appear,

but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,

with each part numbered and every slot named,

so if we failed, only we could be blamed.

More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,

all over the carpet they were scattered about.

“Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!

Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!

Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand.”

“Dearest” said Mom, “you just glued my hand.”

And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact

that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact

to keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night

with “assembly required” till morning’s first light.

We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,

till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.

The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin

before we attached the last rod and last pin.

Then laying the tools away in the chest,

we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.

But I said to my wife just before I passed out,

“This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.

Tomorrow we’ll cheer, let the holiday ring,

and not have to run to the store for a thing!

We did it! We did it! The toys are all set

for the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!”

Then off to dreamland and sweet repose

I gratefully went, though I suppose

there’s something to say for those self-deluded-

I’d forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!

‘Twas the Night Before Christmas: Politically Correct Version

‘Twas the night before Christmas and Santa’s a wreck…
How to live in a world that’s politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to ”Elves”,
”Vertically Challenged” they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called ”Unenlightened.”
And to show you the strangeness of life’s ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone and his wife,
Who suddenly said she’d enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he’d ne’er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that’s warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets…they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football…someone could get hurt
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you’ve got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere…even you.
So here is that gift, it’s price beyond worth…
”May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth.”

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he
said, “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday – she has
everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so
I’m stumped.” His buddy said, “I have an idea – why don’t you make up
a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she
wants it – she’ll probably be thrilled.” So the fellow did. The next
day his buddy said, “Well? Did you take my suggestion?”
“Yes, I did,” said the fellow. “Did she like it?” His buddy asked.
“Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran
out the door, yelling “I’ll be back in an hour!!”

‘Twas the Night Before Chrismas: Brooklyn Version

‘Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mellow,
Not a creature was stirrin’,
(I had a gun unda my pillow.)

When up on da roof’
I heard somethin’ pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, ”Ay! Keep it down!”

When what to my
Wanderin’ eyes should appear,
But dat hairy elf Vinny,
And eight friggin’ reindeer.

Wit’ a bad hackin’ cough,
And da stencha burped beer,
I knew in a moment
Yo, da Kringle wuz here!

Wit’ a slap to dere snouts,
And a yank on dere manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
And he called dem by name.

”Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
Yo Sally, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!”

As I drew out my gun
And hid by da bed,
Down came his friggin’ boot
On da top a my head.

His eyes were all bloodshot,
His b.o. wuz scary,
His breath wuz like sewage,
He had a mole dat wuz hairy.

He spit in my eye,
And he twisted my head,
He soon let me know
I should consider myself dead.

Den pointin’ a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
He let out some gas,
And up da chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screaming,
And away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin’.

But I heard him exclaim,
Or better yet grump,
”Merry Christmas to all, and
Bite me, ya hump!”

What is Santa’s worst confession?

He admits that only naughty girls get presents for Christmas!

How does Santa get through such a samll chimney into your house?

Santa is an ant.