Category: holidays

Dear Santa,

I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.

First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment-the bitch has EVERYTHING!! I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dream house, Corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability t change our hairstyle. I personally have 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I, too, would like a change in my career. Have you considered :”Decorator Ken”, “Beauty Salon Ken”, or “Out of Work Actor Ken”? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as:”S&M Ken”, “Green Lantern Ken”, “Circuit Ken”, “Bear Ken”, “Master Ken”. These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open new markets.

And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can “push me away”, I need bendable knees so I can kick that bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations-we’ve talked about this issue before.

In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action taken by myself and others.

PS. Barbie can forget about having Joe-he’s mine, at least that is what he said last night.

Sincerely, Ken

Q: What’s the most popular wine at Christmas?A: “I don’t like sprouts” !

10. Hey! There’s a gift!

9. Well, well, well …

8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would’ve fit.

7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.

6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.

5. If the dog buries it, I’ll be furious!

4. I love it — but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.

2. To think — I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

1. “I really don’t deserve this.”

One day, shortly before Christmas, a man was shopping for a gift for his children, and went into a pet store. The owner showed the man the usual array of pets, puppies, kittens, hamsters, etc., but the man said he was looking for something a little more unique.

The owner said, “I might have what you are looking for!”, and took the man into the back room, where a bedraggled looking parrot sat on a perch. “This is Chet. He is a perfect Christmas pet, because he sings Christmas songs.”

The owner took a Bic lighter out of his pocket, lit it, and held it under Chet’s right wing just far enough away to keep from singing the parrot’s feathers. Immediately Chet began to sing, “Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way.”

Then the owner held the lighter under Chet’s left wing, and the squawky sound of “Silent night. Holy night” poured out of Chet’s beak. The man bought the parrot on the spot, and took him home.

His children were gone when he got home, so he decided to check out Chet’ talent for himself, just to make sure he hadn’t been tricked. He lit a match, held it under Chet’s right wing, and sure enough the bird began singing “Jingle bells.”, just like before. Moving the match under Chet’s left wing produced the same results as in the pet store. “Silent Night.”

Being of a curious nature, the man decided to hold the match between Chet’s legs to see what would happen. Immediately the parrot began to sing, “Chet’s nuts roasting on an open fire.

Read this in the songs toon from the last one (12) to the first
one (1). I know you know the song.

1. One homosexual cow
2. Two fake nipples
3. Three genital warts
4. Four ballhairs
5. FIVE ORGASMS
6. Six candied dildos
7. Seven flavored condoms
8. Eight pimps-a-playing
9. Nine prison bitches
10. Ten dogs-a-humping
11. Eleven hookers hooking
12. Twelve crackheads tweaking

10. Did you get any under the tree?
9. I think your balls are hanging too low.
8. Check out Rudolph’s honker!
7. Santa’s sack is really bulging.
6. Lift up your skirt so I can get a clean breath.
5. Did you get a piece of fruitcake?
4. I love licking the end till it’s really sharp and pointy.
3. From here you can’t tell if they’re artificial or real.
2. Can I interest you in some dark meat?

And the No. 1 Christmas phrase that sounds dirty but isn’t:

1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.

Redneck Nativity SceneIn a small southern town, she saw a ‘Nativity Scene’ that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered her: The three wise men were all wearing firemen’s helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, she left. At a quickie mart on the edge of town, she asked the gentleman behind the counter about the helmets.He exploded into a rage, yelling at her, ‘You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!’ She assured him that indeed she did, but simply couldn’t recall anything about firemen in the Bible’s baby Jesus story.He jerked his Bible from behind the counter, ruffled thru some pages, and finally jabbed his finger at a passage. Sticking it in her face he said: ‘See, it says right here, ‘The three wise man came from ‘afar”.

How do sheeps in Mexico said Merry Christmas?

Fleece Navidad.

(Feliz Navidad)

14> “And I would like to begin the annual Thanksgiving toast, Mr. President, by recounting the words of one of my favorite Jewish Country and Western songs…”

13> “Mr. President, you’re drinking the gravy again.”

12> “And now for the stuffing… hey! Who put a cigar in there?!? This is NOT funny!!”

11> “I’ll be back in a minute, Honey. I’m just going to offer the intern a little stuffing.”

10> “Roasted turkey!? Dammit, is the deep fryer broken again?”

9> “Man! Who are those hot young babes who came in with Gore and his wife?”

8> “Oh, come on, Al — you did *not* invent Thanksgiving.”

7> “God, I’d be thankful if HE were de-boned.”

6> “I did not have seconds of that dish… mashed potatoes.”

5> “Pssst… Monica, we don’t kneel to say grace.”

4> “God is great, God is good.

Oh, my God, I’ve sprouted wood.”

3> “It would not be an unforeseen event for the dryness quotient of my slain meat product to be so elevated at to suggest artificial moistening as a direction in which we may eventually want to move. Then again, if…”

“Would someone just pass Greenspan the friggin’ gravy already?!?”

2> “I’m sorry, Mr. Starr, no one here knows the Heimlich maneuver.”

1> “Pay attention, Bill: Here’s a little carving trick I learned from Lorena Bobbitt.”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

ok, well this aint a joke,
this is a true embarrising moment which happened to me last
summer on my holiday to paris for 3 weeks.
the day was very hot. we were bored we needed something to do,
so me and my sister, karren went out shopping. we went to loads
of clothes shops trying on lots of clothes and stuff. We
decieded to try on swimming costumes. i tryed on really ace
ones, adidas, nike, speedo and other makes. karren dared me to
try on this horridable costume, even my granny probobly wouldnt
wear it, i tryed it on and when i saw my reflection in the
mirror i burst out in fits of laughter, i was laughing so much i
wet myself not only that one of the staff made me buy it.

‘Twas the Night of Thanksgiving
Twas the night of Thanksgiving, But I just couldn’t sleep.
I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep
The leftovers beckoned — The dark meat and white,
But I fought the temptation with all of my might.

Tossing and turning with anticipation……
The thought of a snack became infatuation…..
So I raced to the kitchen, Flung open the door,
And gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore.
I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.

I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
Till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground !!

I crashed through the ceiling. Floating into the sky….
With a mouthfull of pudding and a handful of pie,
But I managed to yell as I sored past the trees…….

HAPPY EATING TO ALL !!

PASS THE CRANBERRIES PLEASE !!

The cost for all the presents in ”The Twelve Days of Christmas” has taken an unprecedented swan dive this year. A 50 percent fall in the price tag for seven swans a swimming” helped cut this year’s bill for the items in the famous Christmas carol by $3,462.55 from 1996, PNC Bank calculated in an index released Monday.

The total cost for giving one’s true love everything from 12 drummers drumming to a partridge in a pear tree this year is $12,481.65, down 21.7 percent from $15,964.20 in 1996 and the lowest level since 1986. This is the first time since researchers at PNC Bank began compiling the annual index in 1984 that the price of Christmas has fallen significantly, although it took a 0.6 percent dip in 1988. The decline reflects inflation trends in the economy at large, as well as progress in reviving the trumpeter swan population. The price for the swans dropped due to a fluctuation of supply and demand,” PNC said.

The general flatness in the cost of most of the items in the song reflect the low inflation rate.” The price for seven swimming trumpeter swans, as quoted by the Philadelphia Zoo, dropped from $7,000 last year to $3,500. The North American population of the swans has risen from 73 in 1935 to more than 14,000 now, driving down the price and bringing the government close to removing the birds from the endangered species list, PNC said.

In general, prices for consumer goods such as five gold rings were steady or lower. But services such as leaping lords were steady or higher. The price of five gold rings fell to $325 from $450 last year, while the price of a pear tree fell to $12.50 from $19.99, because the nursery PNC uses was having a sale.

The cost of eight minimum-wage milkmaids was unchanged at $34 for one hour’s service, while unionized pipers piping and drummers drumming commanded the same fees as the year before, for the first time. Those fees were $1,109.16 for the 11 pipers and $1,201.59 for the 12 drummers. But the bill for 10 lords a leaping climbed 5.6 percent, to $3,182.57, the only increase on the list.