Category: governenment

A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time,
catching a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to
marry them. He asked if they had a license and, when they
didn’t, sent them off to get one.

They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got
the license from him. When they got back to the judge, he
pointed out they had filled the names in backwards–his where
hers belonged and vice versa.

They rushed back to the clerk’s office, caught him again, and
got another license. This time, the judge noticed that the clerk
had filled in the date in the wrong format. Again they catch the
clerk… After five reissued licenses, the judge was finally
satisfied.

Judge: “I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If
there are irregularities in the license, your marriage would not
be legal, and any children you might have would be technical
bastards.”

Groom: “That’s funny! That’s just what the clerk called you.”

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes
right by the border fence. He pulls him out and says, “Sorry,
you know the law, you’ve got to go back across the border right
now.”

The Mexican man pleads with him, “No, noooo, Senor, I must stay
in de USA! Pleeeze!”

The border patrol agent thinks to himself, I’m going to make it
hard for him, and says “OK, I’ll let you stay if you can use
three English words in a sentence.”

The Mexican man of course agrees.

The Border Patrol Agent tells him, “The three words are: green,
pink and yellow. Now use them in one sentence.”

The Mexican man thinks really hard for about two minutes, then
says, “Hmmm, OK. The phone, it went green, green, green… I
pink it up, and sez yellow?”

How Many Republicans Does It Take to Screw in a Light Bulb?

Four hundred and seventy one.

12 to investigate Clinton’s involvement in the failure of the
old bulb,

23 to deregulate the light bulb industry,

16 to cut funding for alternative lighting R&D,

34 to cut the marginal tax rate on high-wattage light bulbs,

9 to threaten trade sanctions if Germany and Japan don’t start
buying more 110-volt bulbs,

53 to design a block grant so the states can change the bulb,

41 to chat with defense contractors about equipping everyone in
the building with night-vision gear instead, and

283 to pass a law making it illegal to discuss naked bulbs, or
screwing anything, on the Internet.

A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for
advice on what to wear. “Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him
think you are a pauper,” the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite
advice. “Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant
suit and tie.”

Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting
advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. “Let me
tell you a story,” replied the Rabbi. “A woman, about to be
married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night.
‘Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to
your neck.’ But when she asked her best friend, she got
conflicting advice. ‘Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V
neck.'”

The man protested, “What does all this have to do with my
problem with the IRS?” “No matter what you wear, you are going
to get screwed.”

George W. Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway
when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing, and landed in the
creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3
kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so
grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, “I want to go to Disneyland.” George W.
said, “No problem. I’ll take you there on Air Force One”.

The second kid said, “I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan’s.”
George W. said, “I’ll get them for you and even have Michael
sign them!”

The third kid said, “I want a motorized wheelchair with a built
in TV and stereo headset!” George W. was a little perplexed by
this and said, “But you don’t look like you are handicapped.”
The kid replied, “I will be, after my dad finds out I saved your
ass from drowning!”

Suzie: Oh did you hear we found Bin Laden?

Tony: No?

Suzie: Yeah! We sprinkled Viagra around and he just kinda popped
up!

After Gore died he went to heaven and at the gates was an angel
to show him around. The angel took Al Gore into a room full of
clocks the clocks second hand represented how many times they
had lied in their life. Looking around, He saw mother Teresa’s
whose hand only moved once an hour The second one was George
Washington whose moved 30 seconds and hour after seeing everyone
he knew he noticed Bill Clinton’s was missing so he asked the
Angel where Bills was and the Angel said “oh, Jesus has it in
his room. Al looks surprised at the angel, and the Angel says “I
know what your thinking.. He’s not really special Jesus is just
using as a ceiling fan.”

What did Clinton say to Bush on the way out of White House?

I hear you have to daughters. Do you think they might wanna
intern for me?

Dear Mom and Dad:

It has been six months since I left for college. I’m sorry I
haven’t written more often and I’m very sorry for my
unthoughtfulness. I’m sure you have been worried about me.

Let me bring you up to date, but before you read on, please sit
down Ok? Don’t read any further unless you’re sitting down.

Ok? Good.

I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the
concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory
when it caught on fire several months ago, are pretty much
healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital! Mom always
said the girls in our family heal fast.

In fact, I can almost see normally again and I only get
headaches three times a day now.

Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were
witnessed by a gas station attendant who immediately called 911.
He’s so sweet. He even visited me in the hospital, and since I
had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind
enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It’s really
a basement room, but it’s kind of cute.

He really is a good person with a kind heart. We have fallen
deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven’t set
the exact date yet, but I’m sure that it will be before I start
to show. That’s right, Mom and Dad, I’m pregnant! I know how
much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I know
that you will give that baby the same love, devotion and tender
care you gave me when I was growing up.

We would get married now, but we both failed our premarital
blood tests because of some minor infection. He told me about it
beforehand, but dumb me, I carelessly caught it anyway. Not to
worry though, the doctor said my daily penicillin injections
should clear it up by next month.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He
is kind, and although not well educated, he is ambitious — just
like Dad!

Also, he is of a different race and religion than ours, but I
know, after all your years of teaching me tolerance, that you
won’t mind the fact that he is somewhat darker than we are. I’m
sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good
too! I am told that his father is an important gun bearer in his
native African village. That’s an important government position
where he comes from. Well, I guess that’s all! Now you know why
I wanted you to sit down when you read this letter.

Now that I’ve brought you up to date, I just wanted to let you
know there was no dormitory fire, I didn’t suffer a concussion
or a skull fracture, I wasn’t in the hospital, I’m not pregnant,
I’m not engaged, I don’t have syphilis and there is no boyfriend
of another race or religion in my life; however, I DID vote for
Gov. Bush, and I just wanted you both to see this in its proper
perspective.

Your loving daughter,

-Chelsea

P.S. Stanford is great… I love it, though I miss you both
terribly…and Socks, too!

P.P.S. Dad, please give my best to Monica and the others.

***** State laws:

When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each
shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the
other has gone. (No, I don’t know how that is possible.)

It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time
while standing.

Law prohibits driving without windshield wipers. You don’t need
the windshields, but you need the wipers.

It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story
of a hotel.

You can’t legally milk someone else’s cow.

The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it
contains a formula for making beer at home.

***** City laws:

In a certain town, you must first get a $5 permit before going
barefoot.

It is illegal to idle or loiter anyplace within the corporate
limits of Abilene for the purpose of flirting or mashing.

In Beaumont, college football is banned at Lamar University.

Dallas bans the possession of “realistic dildos”.

In Mesquite, it is illegal for children to have unusual haircuts.

In San Antonio, it is illegal to piss on the Alamo. (Law passed
after Ozzy Osbourne did it.)

If you catch a cattle thief in Temple, you may legally hang him
on the spot.

A Border Patrol agent is on duty. He spots two Mexicans and runs
them down. They show him their papers (he thinks they are
phony). He tells them, “O.K. I have a test for you. I want you
to use the words ‘cheese’ and ‘liver’ in a sentence.”

So, the first guy says, “I made a liver and cheese sandwich for
lunch.”

The agent says, “That was good, you can go. What about you?” He
asks the second guy.

He says, “Liver alone. Cheese mine.”

3 guys are in an airplane. They have no clue where they
are, so they decide to have a little fun. The first guy throws a
Holy Bible out the window, the second guy throws out a brick,
and the third guy throws out a grenade.
Then, they decide to see how much damage they did. When
they landed, they noticed they were over Washington D.C. at the
time. They see senator Jesse Helms crying, holding the Holy
Bible. The 3 guys asked him what was wrong, and he said “Oh,
this Holy Bible fell on my head and i think god is mad with me.”
Next, they see Colin Powell, crying, holding the brick.
They asked him what was wrong, and he replied “This brick fell
on my head and i think god is mad with me for bombing
Afghanistan.”
Finally, they see George W. Bush laughing his ass off. When
they asked him what was so funny, he said “Oh, I farted and the
White house blew up.”