Category: governenment

“Don’t steal, the government doesn’t like competition.”

10.My Life,Emptier Than the Beer Cans at the Bottom of My Car
9. My Life in a 10oz Bag
8. The Things I’ve Done has President in a Couple of Lines
7. Waking Up in my Own Vomit
6. I Hate my wife more than Bin Laden plus 10 reasons why
5. I Got’s a Swivle Chair in My Office
4. Waisted Away in Margerita Vill
3. Cocaine? No it’s Carpet Cleaner!
2. Cause My Mommy Told Me So
1. My Daddy Called Me Second Best

TERRORISM COALITION CAFE
ENTREES

Israeli good cheeseburger $2.50
(comes with swiss cheese to give the pretense of neutrality.)

Iraqi Ribs (SADDAM good)$13.95
(made from real Iraqi’s, these ribs are really lean & all rib
dinners come with a Pakisani-nap for cleanup.)

Ghaza Strips (Chicken Strips) $5.95
(delicious chicken strips served to the table next to you- You
have to take them back.)

Saute Arabian (just what it says) $5.95
(Iran across a great deal on horseflesh.)

SIDE DISHES & APPETIZERS

Oman-That’s good soup- bowl $2.00 cup $1.25
Syria-ously fresh salad sm.$.75 lg.$1.50

BEVERAGES

The Big Gulf 32oz. fountain soda $1.50
(A nod to former ass whoopin’s we’ve handed out.)

whoop ass cola $1.50
( A nod to future ass whoopin’s we’ve handed out.)

Osama cherry cola for you $2.00
(made with real cherry bombs, there’s free refills for all
Islamic Extremists.)

A young guy is speeding across a bridge in his fancy sports car.
Sure enough, a cop with a radar gun is sitting on the other side
of the bridge. The cop pulls him over, then walks up to the
guy’s car and asks, “What’s the hurry?” The guy replies, “I’m
late for work, officer.” “What do you do?” “Well, I’m a rectum
stretcher.” “What? A rectum stretcher?” The guy explains, “Yeah.
I start with a finger, then work my way up to two fingers…
eventually I get a hand in, then both hands, and I slowly
stretch it until it’s about six feet wide.” The curious cop
asks, “What do you do with a six-foot asshole?” The guy answers,
“Well, you give him a radar gun and park him at the end of a
bridge.”

A tax official has come to a rural synagogue for an inspection.
The rabbi is accompanying him.

“So rabbi tell me, please, after you have distributed all your
unleavened bread, what do you do with the crumbs?”

“Why, we gather them carefully and send them to the city and
then they make bread of them again and send it back to us.”

“Ah. So what about candles after they are burnt? What do you do
with the drippings?”

“We send them to the city as well, and they make new candles
from them and send them to us.”

“And what about circumcision? What do you do with those leftover
pieces?”

Wearily, the rabbi replies, “We send them to the city as well.”

“To the city!? And what do they send to you?”

“Today they have sent you to us.”

Here are some 100% REAL quotes that our delightful president
George W. Bush uttered over the past few years:

“This is preservation month. I appreciate preservation. It’s
what you do when you run for president. You gotta preserve.”
-Speaking during “Perserverence Month” at a New Hampshire grade
school

“I know how hard it is to put food on your family.”

“This is still a dangerous world. It’s a world of madmen and
uncertainty and potential mental losses.”

“We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor just
like you like to be liked yourself.”

Georgie’s Daddy has had some interesting things to say, too:
“For seven and a half years, I’ve worked alongside President
Reagan. We’ve had triumphs. Made some mistakes. Had some sex…
uh… I mean, setbacks.”

One night, G.W. Bush was awakened by George Washington’s ghost.
Bush asked, “George, what is the best thing I could do to help
the country, now that I am elected President?”

“Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,” advised
George.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the
dark bedroom. “Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help
the country, now that I am elected President?” Bush asked. “Cut
taxes and reduce the size of government,” advised Tom.

Bush didn’t sleep well the next night, and saw yet another
figure movinginthe shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln’s ghost.
“Abe, what is the best thing I could do for the country, now
that I have been elected President?” Bush asked. “Go to the
theatre,” replied Abe.

Name: ______________ Stage name: ___________________

Agent: ______________ Attorney: ____________________

Publicist _____________ Manicurist/hair stylist ___________

Sex: __ male __ female __ formerly male __formerly female __ both __

If female, indicate breast implant size: ____

Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate
a motor vehicle in any way? Yes ___ No ___

Occupation:
[ ] Lawyer
[ ] Actor/Waiter
[ ] Filmmaker/Self-employed
[ ] Writer/Waiter
[ ] Car Dealer
[ ] Panhandler
[ ] Agent
[ ] Hooker/Transvestite
[ ] Other; please explain: ______________

Please indicate how many times you expect to have sex in car: ____

Please indicate how much you plan to spend for this sex.______

Please list:
Brand of cell phone: __________.
(If you don’t own a cell phone, please explain.)

Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue ] Skinhead Men: Please list shade of hair plugs.

Please check activities you perform while driving:
(Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating a wrap
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back seat
[ ] Having sex
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[ ] Snorting cocaine
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the Net via your laptop

Please indicate how many times:
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers ____
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving ____

If you are the victim of a car-jacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime;
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car
on the news on a high-speed chase;
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone
company for 911 call not going through;
d) Call your therapist;
e) None of the above (South Central residents only).

Please indicate if you drive a:
a) Beamer,
b) Lexus,
c) Mercedes, or
d) Toyota. If your answer is D, please add six to eight weeks to
normal delivery time for your driver’s license.

In the event of an earthquake, should you:
a) stop your car,
b) keep driving and hope for the best,
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones, or
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4?

In the instance of rain, you should:
a) never drive over 5 MPH,
b) drive twice as fast as usual, or
c) you’re not sure what “rain” is.

Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac;
b) Zovirax;
c) Lithium;
d) Zantax;
e) Viagra.
If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:
a) 1 hour;
b) 2 hours;
c) 3 hours;
d) 4 hours or more.

When stopped by police, should you
a) pull over and have your driver’s license and insurance form ready,
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405,
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus
ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit?
d) reload before coming to a complete stop.

A lady was on a train trying to solve a crossword puzzle. After
minutes of difficulty, she turned to the man next to him and
said, “Could you please help me on this one word?” The man said,
“Sure.”

The lady said, “OK. I need a four letter word that ends with
IT.” The man replied, “What’s the clue?” “What is in a bird cage
and what the governor is full of.” After a few minutes, the man
said, “Oh! It must be ‘grit’.” To which the lady replied, “So it
is! Do you have a pencil with an eraser?”

A U.S. Marine got lost in the desert of Somalia during the fighting there.
He was thirsty, dirty, and sexually frustrated. He stumbled upon an old
lantern, rubbed it, and a genie appeared and granted him three wishes. The
marine thought about it and asked, “I would like lots of water, lots of
it. I want be clean, so clean that I turn white. And I want to see lots of
asses.”

The genie thought about it and replied, “Your wish is my command.” With a
snap of the genie’s finger, the Marine turns into a toilet seat–lots of
water, white and lots of asses.

How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?

They don’t know yet, there still counting!

(FORMER) VICE PRESIDENT GORE

I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the chickens
right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road!
I will fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint them.

PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH

I don’t believe we need to get the chickens across the road. I
say give the road to the chickens and let them decide. The
government needs to let go of strangling the chickens so they
can get across the road.

SENATOR LIEBERMAN

I believe that every chicken has the right to worship their God
in their own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey and
no chicken should be denied the right to cross the road in their
own way.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY

Chickens are big-time because they have wings. They could fly if
they wanted to. Chickens don’t want to cross the road. They
don’t need help crossing the road. In fact, I’m not interested
in crossing the road myself.

RALPH NADER

Chickens are misled into believing there is a road by the evil
tiremakers. Chickens aren’t ignorant, but our society pays
tiremakers to create the need for these roads and then lures
chickens into believing there is an advantage to crossing them.
Down with the roads, up with chickens.

PAT BUCHANAN

To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY

To die. In the rain.

FREUD

The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed
the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES

I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross
roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and
balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an inextricable
part of eChicken.

BILL CLINTON

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by
“chicken”? Could you define “chicken” please?

COLONEL SANDERS

I missed one?