Category: gender

The gift

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart’s
birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful
consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right
note; romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart’s younger sister, he went to
Nordstom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased
a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister
got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking
the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his
sweetheart with the following note:

“I choose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing

any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I
would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short
ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady
I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past
three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me
and
she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on you for the
first
time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have
a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in
them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from

wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming
year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love.”

“P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur
showing.”

There were three guys stuck on an island. On of them found a lamp and rubbed it. Out came a genie. He said for freeing me I’ll grant you each a wish.

The first guy said I wish I were 25% smarter. So poof! He was 25% smater built a raft and got off the island.

The nex guy said I wish I were 50% smarter. So poof! He was 50% smater built a canoe and got off the island.

The last guy said I wish I were 100% smarter. So poof! He was 100% turned into a girl and walked across the bridge!!

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb…and I also know that I’m not blonde. — Dolly Parton

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. — Erica Jong

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels GOOD for 36 hours. — Rita Rudner

I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job. — Roseanne

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. — Rita Rudner

I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters. — Susie Loucks

This guy says, “I’m perfect for you, ’cause I’m a cross between a macho and a sensitive man.” I said, “Oh, a gay trucker?” — Judy Tenuta

He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant. — Carol Leifer

I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. — Wendy Liebman

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth to. — Erma Bombeck

If high heels were so wonderful, men woeld be wearing them. — Sue Grafton

I’m not going to vacuum ’til Sears makes one you can ride on. — Roseanne

I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can’t. So I grew hair under my arms instead. — Sue Kolinsky

I look just like the girls next door… if you happen to live next door to an amusement park. — Dolly Parton

I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it’s because it’s cold in there. And I’m like: How did my mother know THAT? — Wendy Liebman

“I think – therefore I’m single.” — Lizz Winstead

“When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.” — Elayne Boosler

“I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn’t itch.” — Gilda Radner

“Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.” — Maryon Pearson

“Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel.” — Bella Abzug

“In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.” — Margaret Thatcher

“If I were going to convert to any religion I would probably choose Catholicism because it at least has female saints and the Virgin Mary.” — Margaret Atwood

“I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.” — Gloria Steinem

“Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.” — Gloria Steinem

“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.” — Katharine Hepburn

“I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.” — Marie Corelli

“Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.” — Baroness Edith Summerskill

“If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?” — Linda Ellerbee

“I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.” — Zsa Zsa Gabor

Three blondes are walking on the beach and find genie lamp.The Genie says “look girls, there are three of you.. so only ONE wish each! The 1st blonde says “Genie, I think that I would like to be a little bit smarter”… POOF!!! She is a REDHEAD!The 2nd blonde says “Genie,… I think I would like to be a little smarter still!”…POOF!!! She is a BRUNETTE!3rd blonde says “Genie… I have been a blonde ALL my life!..Men buy me cars,..give me money,…and jewels… I think I would like to be a little DUMBER!!”…POOF!!! She is a MAN!!

A young couple got married and went on a cruise for their
honeymoon. When they got back from the honeymoon, the bride
immediately called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away.
“Well, darling,” said her mother, “how was the honeymoon?” “Oh,
mother,” she replied, “the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic,
we had a terrific time! But, as soon as we returned, Sam began
using really horrible language. I’ve never heard these words
before. Really terrible 4-letter words. You’ve got to come get
me and take me home. PLEASE MOTHER!” And the new bride began to
sob over the telephone. “But honey,” the mother countered, “what
4-letter words?” “I can’t tell you, mother,” said the daughter,
“they’re too awful! Please come and get me!” “Darling daughter,
you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell me the 4-letter
words!” Still sobbing, the bride said, “Mother, he used words
like: DUST…WASH…IRON…COOK

A man bought an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. The next
day he received a thousand letters. They all said the same
thing: “You can have mine.”

“Honey,” said this husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home
for supper.” “What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn’t
go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like
cooking a fancy meal!” “I know all that.” “Then why did you
invite a friend for supper?” “Because the poor fool’s thinking
about getting married.”

A man in his mid 40s goes to a building site and asks the foreman if he has any job openings.

“Actually, I am a man short,” replies the foreman. “Do you have experience?”

“I’ve worked in construction all my life,” the man says, “but I had an accident a few years ago and haven’t worked since. To make a long story short, I was working with a large industrial saw when it slipped and, well, it castrated me.”

“Ooh,” the foreman says, wincing. “That’s awful, but you have plenty of experience, so come down tomorrow morning at 10 and I’ll get you started.”

“Great,” replies the man. “But don’t I usually see you guys here at nine?”

“Yeah,” the foreman says, “but for the first hour we just stand around scratching our balls.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much?

They like being able to both eat and make love in under 5 minutes.

During a recent vacation in Atlantic City, a couple went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a woman from the back of the theater yelled out, “Hey, how’d you do that?”

“I could tell you, madam”, the magician answered, “But then I’d have to kill you.”

After a short pause, she yelled back, “Ok, then… Just tell my husband!”

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road.

As they pass each other the woman leans out of her window and yells,
‘PIG’.

The man immediately leans out his window and screams back,
‘BITCH’.

They continue on their way. As the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

A man travelling by plane and in urgent need to use the men’s room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the men’s’ room door, it was “OCCUPIED”.
The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the Ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The Buttons were marked “WW, WA, PP, and ATR”.

Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway. He carefully pressed the first button marked “WW” and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, “WOW, the women really have it made!” Still curious he pressed the button marked “WA” and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The Button marked “PP” yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn’t resist the last button marked “ATR”.

When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, “What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!”

The nurse replied, “Yes you were having a great time until you pressed the “ATR” button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow!”

A guy burned two ears… so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened.

He said, “I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang…so instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear…”

“But how did you burn the other ear?” The doctor asked.

“How do you think I called you people?”

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?

Both of them.

What’s the difference between a man and a lawnmower?

Lawnmowers don’t bitch after they cut the yard.

How do you keep a man from attacking you?

Throw him the remote control.

What one thing can always get a man out of your life?

A hunting licence.

What’s a man’s idea of a romantic evening?

A candlelit football stadium.

What would get your man to put down the toilet seat?

A sex-change operation.

Why did the man cross the road?

He heard the chicken was a slut.

Why do men talk so dirty?

So they can wash their mouth out with beer.

Why did God create man?

She didn’t. Her husband did.

How do you confuse a man?

Tell him to start a knock-knock joke.

Why do men do odd jobs around the house?

If they do, it’s odd!

Why don’t women blink during foreplay?

They don’t have time.

What’s foreplay when you are married?

20 minutes of begging and pleading.