Category: gender

Top Ten Things Men SHOULDN’T Say Out Loud In Victoria’s Secret:

#10 Does this come in children’s sizes?
#9 No Thanks. Just sniffing.
#8 I’ll be in the dressing room going blind.
#7 Mom will love this.
#6 Oh the size won’t matter. She’s inflatable.
#5 No need to wrap it up. I’ll eat it here.
#4 Will you model this for me???
#3 The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!
#2 45 bucks?? You’re just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!

And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out
loud in Victoria’s Secret:

#1 Oh, honey, you’ll never squeeze your fat ass into that.

Three men were sitting on a bridge one red head one brunet and one blonde the first one said if my wife packes me ham agian im gonna comit suicide and jump off this bridge. 2 man goes if my wife packes me spagagtti agian im going to comit suicide and jump off this bridge. 3 man says if my wife pakes me salami agian im gonna comit suicdie and jump off this bridge. The next day the first one got ham his jumped off. The 2 one got spagetti and he jumped off the bridge. The 3 one got bologna and he jumped off the bridge. The 1 wife said im so sorry, the 2 wife said im so sorry, The 3 wife said don’t look at me he packes his own lunch.

The patient’s family gathered to hear what the specialist had to say. ‘Things don’t look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves.”Well, how much does a brain cost?’ asked the relatives. ‘For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000.’Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. A few actually smirked. But the patient’s daughter was unsatisfied and asked, ‘Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?”A standard pricing practice,’ said the head of the team. ‘Women’s brains have to be marked down because they have actually been used.’

What’s a man’s worst nightmare?

1) The Super Bowl is pre-empted by a soap opera.
2) His wife has amnesia and forgets how to cook so he has to.
3) A female boss.
4) He has to ask his wife for money.

Drinking A completely inebriated man was stumbling down

the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the

gutter.

A cop pulled up and said, “I’ve got to take you in, pal.

You’re obviously drunk.”

Our wasted friend asked, “Officer, are ya absolutely sure

I’m drunk?”

Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,” said the copper. “Let’s go.”

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, “Thank goodness, I

thought I was a cripple.”

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?

When it’s time to go back to childhood, he’s already there.

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Tantilazing

Why do men think they are clever when they are having sex?

They are Plugged into a genius!

Rosco was wondering through a mall one day, and he happened upon a clock shop where there was a gorgeous lady working at the desk.

Rosco walked right up to the desk, whipped out his penis, and put it right next to the lady.

The lady was alarmed and said, “Wait just a minute there, man! This is a clock shop, not a cock shop!”

Rosco replied, “I know, I want you to put two hands and a face on this!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman

One day, an old woman sat in her rocking chair on her front porch.

Beside her slept her mangy old hound, Rex.

All of a sudden, a genie appears, startling the old crone.

“Old woman,” the genie says, “I feel sorry for you sitting here looking old and tired, so I�ve decided to grant you three wishes.”

The old woman thinks about it and says, “Well, I�ve always wanted to be a young, beautiful princess.”

Poof! The genie turns her into a young, beautiful princess.

The beautiful princess thinks some more and says, “A princess should live in a castle, not a shack like this.”

Poof! The shack becomes a huge castle.

The princess thinks a little more, then asks, “Shouldn�t a beautiful princess have a handsome prince?”

The genie looks around and spots Rex. Poof! Rex is transformed into a handsome prince.

Rex, the handsome prince, strolls up to the beautiful princess and kisses her passionately.

She melts in his arms and cries, “Take me Rex! Take me now!”

With a bitter smile, Rex whispers in her ear, “Bet you�re sorry you had me neutered now, bitch!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci and yisman

Four men are sitting in a bar having drinks. One of the men goes to the bathroom. Then the three remaining men start to chat about their sons. The first man says:
“My son is so great! He just got an honorable discharge from the army, and one of his friends gave him a million in stocks!”

The second guy waves this off and says:

“My son is even better. He just got to the CEO chair of a great company, and one of his friends gave him a new car!”

The third guy waves both of them off and says:

“My son is best of all! He just got into the House, got a 10 dollar an hour raise, and one of his friends just gave him a new house!”

They start to argue, then the fourth guy comes back. They ask him about his son, and he says:

“My son stinks! He started out as a hairdresser, is still a hairdresser after fifteen years, and he’s gay! He must be pretty attractive though, cause he just gave his THREE boyfriends a million in stocks, a new car, and a house!”

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store. Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See “Magician.” Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn’t coming out anytime soon.

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie.The genie says, “Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes.”The man says “Great! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account.Poof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, “Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here.” Poof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, “Finally, I want to be irresistible to women.” Poof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.