Category: gender

A foursome is waiting at the men’s tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet. She goes over to the ball, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically: “I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn’t help.”One of the men immediately replies: “No, you see there is your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead.”

One day the Pickle was talking to the tomato. He said that
every time he got big and juicy he was sliced seasoned and put
in a jar. The tomato said he had it worse, every time he got
big and juicy he got sliced, diced and put into salad.

Meanwhile the Penis overheard the tomato and the pickle talking
so he walked over. He said he had it the worst. Every time he
got big and juicy he would get put in a big stinky room and had
to do pushups until he threw up.

A man walks into a doctor’s office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

“What’s the matter with me?” he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, “You’re not eating properly.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped the woman off. “Man, that guy is stupid” I thought to myself.

I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here’s why: I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that’s 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane.

That’s 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.

Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that’s 18,000. In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.That’s 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That’s 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That’s 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That’s 33.

According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY
I drive past at least one female that has…
a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is ARMED!

FLIP ONE OFF?? I THINK NOT!!

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing

Q. How are men and parking spots alike?
A. Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely
small.

What’s a man’s idea of helping with the housework?

Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

The phrase “rule of thumb” is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

A chemist, a biologist and an electrical engineer were on death row waiting
to go in the electric chair. The chemist was brought forward first.

“Do you have anything you want to say?” asked the executioner,
strapping him in.
“No,” replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch and
nothing happened.

Under this particular State’s law, if an execution attempt fails, the
prisoner is to be released, so the chemist was released.

Then the biologist was brought forward.
“Do you have anything you want to say?”
“No, just get on with it.”
The executioner flicked the switch, and again nothing happened, so the
biologist was released.

Then the electrical engineer was brought forward.
“Do you have anything you want to say?” asked the executioner.
“Yes,” replied the engineer. “If you swap the red and the blue wires over,
you might make this thing work.”

Why did god create yeast infections?
So women would know what it was like to live with an irritating cunt too.

Q. What have a woman and a condom got in common.
A. They both spend too much time in your wallet and not enough time on your dick!

A man walking along a beach stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it, and out popped a genie.

The genie said, “Okay…you released me from the lamp… blah, blah, blah. You get one wish!”

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I’m afraid to fly as I get a sick feeling within. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?”

The genie laughed and said, “That’s impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Also, think of how much concrete would be needed…how much steel!! No, you must think of another wish.”

The man said, “Okay,” and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, “I’ve been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don’t care about them and that I’m insensitive. So, I wish I could understand women, know how they feel inside, what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment, know why they’re crying, know what they really want when they say ‘nothing,’ know how to make them truly happy…”

The genie looks at the man and asks, “You want that bridge two lanes or four?”

Why did the woman cross the road?

I dunno, What the fuck is that bitch doin outa the kitchen?!