Category: gender

One day, while a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.

When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, “Why are you crying?”

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water, and she needed the thimble to make her living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden thimble. “Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, “No.”

The Lord again went down and came up with a wooden thimble. “Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, “No.”

The Lord went down again and came up with a silver thimble. “Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, “Yes.”

The Lord was pleased with the woman’s honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some time later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river.

When she cried out, The Lord again appeared and asked her, “Why are you crying?”

“Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the water!”

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. “Is this your husband?” the Lord asked.

“Yes.” cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!”

The seamstress replied, “Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘no’ to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said ‘no’ to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor woman and am not able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT’S why I said yes to Mel Gibson.”

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

That’s our story, and we’re sticking to it.

Submitted by BreeBrown
Edited by calamjo and Curtis

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success.

Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan.

They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.

They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.

When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, “Okay, let’s get out and get him.”

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, “The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?”

The guy in the front says, “Well, I’m going to start nibbling grass, but you’d better brace yourself.”

Why is it good that we now have female astronauts?

When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.

What was the smartest thing that ever came out of a woman’s mouth?

Einstein’s dick.

You can learn a lot from reading the graffiti in a bathroom, library or other public area…

The best way to a man’s heart is to saw his breast plate open.
* Women’s rest room, Murphy’s, Champaign, Ill.

If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can’t take a dump here –
Your asshole is in Washington!
* Men’s rest room, Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Wash.

Beauty is only a light switch away.
* Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, N.C.

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life,
then let’s all get wasted and have the time of our lives.
* Armand’s Pizza, Washington, D.C.

Remember, it’s not “How high are you?”, it’s “Hi, how are you?”
* Rest stop off Route 81, W. VA.

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
* The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
* The Bayou, Baton Rouge, La.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.
* Men’s rest room, Linda’s Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, N.C.

It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
* Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Ariz.

A woman’s rule of thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it.
* Women’s rest room, Dick’s Last Resort, Dallas, Tex.

Watch out for gay limbo dancers.
* Inside toilet stall door, men’s rest room?

Express Lane: Five beers or less.
* Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic’s, Phoenix, Ariz.

You’re too good for him.
* Sign over mirror in women’s rest room, Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hills, CA

No wonder you always go home alone.
* Sign over mirror in men’s rest room, Ed Debevic’s,Beverly Hills, CA

What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.
* Men’s rest room, Lynagh’s, Lexington, KY

1. Don’t call, ever.

2. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, like “Spike.”

3. Play with yourself. Talk about it.

4. You are a man. Remember, no matter what, it isn’t your fault.

5. Lie.

6. Never ask for help. Even if you really need it, don’t ask. People will think you have no penis.

7. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.

8. If, God forbid, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.

9. Lie.

10. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.

11. Say things like “Wha. . . ?”

12. Deny everything. Everything.

13. Don’t have a clue.

14. If you don’t get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times.

15. Tell this to your girl before you have sex, “Don’t worry. If you don’t have an orgasm, you won’t get pregnant.”

16. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it’s not true or kick some ass.

17. Lie.

18. Do NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. For example: Question: “Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?”
Answer: “Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce daily.”

19. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like genitalia.

20. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don’t know.

21. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don’t know.

22. You are NOT a virgin, ever. Males are born without virginity.

23. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.

24. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.

25. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.

26. Lie.

27. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about anyway?

28. Women are your napkins. Use them and then throw them away.

29. Remember, every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.

30. If your women makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted “Door Spot” and other will worship you.

31. If you’re on a date and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many dorms you have been laid in.

32. When you tell a girl about your past, it’s good to say, “God, I was such a pimp back then.”

33. Here’s a good trick. Tell a girl that you’re going to leave and when you come back you want her naked and sprawled out on the bed. Leave and go into her dad’s room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell.

34. The best sex position is you, lying face up. . . and twenty girls on top.

35. Practice your blank stare.

36. If you’re ever forced to show emotion, just pick a random emotion, like rage, lust and insanity, and display them at random, inconvenient times. You won’t be asked to do it again.

37. If you are asked to do something you REALLY don’t want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn’t work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don’t know howto do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you yet, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say “See???? I told you I couldn’t do it.” Eventually people will stop asking you to do things.

38. Do not listen to “pussy music” like Color Me Badd or the oldies.

39. Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people.

40. Lie.

Ten things that dads probably don’t say too often!10. ‘Well, how ’bout that?… I’m lost. Looks like we’ll have to stop and ask for directions.’9. ‘You know Pumpkin, now that you’re 13, you’ll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won’t that be fun?’8. ‘I notice that all your friends have a certain “up yours” attitude… I like that.’7. ‘Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car… go crazy.’6. ‘What do you mean you wanna play rugby? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?’5. ‘Your mother and I are going away for the weekend… you might want to consider throwing a party.’4. ‘Well, I don’t know what’s wrong with your car. Probably one of those watchamacallits – you know – that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.’3. ‘No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring, now quit your belly-aching and let’s go to the mall.’2. ‘Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.’1. ‘Father’s Day? Don’t worry about that – it’s no big deal.’

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: “For Women Only”. Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works…
“We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It’s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what’s inside.”

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads:
“All the men on this floor are short and plain.” The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: “All the men here are short and handsome.”
Still, this isn’t good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: “All the men here are tall and plain.”

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: “All the men here are tall and handsome.”

The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: “There are no men here.
This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman!

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it’s up – put it down.

3. Don’t cut your hair. Ever.

4. Sometimes we’re not thinking about you. Live with it.

5. Get rid of your cat.

6. Sunday = Sports.

7. Anything you wear is fine – really.

8. Women wearing wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

9. You have too many shoes.

10. Crying is blackmail.

11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work.

12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

13. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point-blank range. We’re bound to miss sometimes.

14. ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ are perfectly acceptable answers.

15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

16. Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.

17. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

18. If you don’t dress like the Dawson Creek girls, don’t expect us to act like the soap opera guys.

19. If something we said could be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

20. Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

21. Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.

22. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done – not both.

23. Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions and neither do we.

24. You have enough clothes.

25. Nothing says ‘I love you’ like sex.

Three little boys were sitting on the porch, when one little boy says, “My Daddy smokes, and he can blow smoke rings.”The second little boy pipes up, “Well, my Dad smokes, too, and can blow smoke out of his ears.”The third little boy, not to be outdone responds, “My Dad can blow smoke out of his butt.””Really, have you seen it?” ask the boys.The third boy responds, “No, but I’ve seen the tobacco stains on his underwear.”

What do you call a Fireman who constantly gets people out of buildings when there is no danger???
A PRE-MATURE EVACUATOR

I recently picked a new primary care physician.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”

He asked, “Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?”

“Oh no,” I replied. “I’ve never done either.”

Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”

I said, “No, I’ve heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!”

“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, ballooning, or rock climbing?”

“No, I don’t,” I said.

He said, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?”

“No,” I said. “I’ve never done any of those things.”

He looked at me and said, “Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 80?”

Submitted by blueindiansquaw

Edited by Curtis