Category: gender

10. Cats’ facial expressions.

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.

8. Why bean sprouts aren’t just weeds.

7. Fat clothes.

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.

5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell.

4. Cutting your curls to make them grow.

3. Eyelash curlers.

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND,
The No. 1 thing only women understand:
other women.

What’s the one thing worse than a male chauvinist pig?

A woman that won’t do what she’s told.

Did you hear the one about the bi-sexual baby? It had a penis AND a brain.

A man going down the highway is pulled over by a cop for speeding , the officer said can i see your license the man in the car says sorry i dont have my license i stole this car,then the officer said can i look in the trunk,the man replies no theres a dead body of a lady in there,the officer said theres a dead lady in the trunk?the man replies yes, the officer says what did u use to kill her? the man replies the gun in my glove capartment. The officer calls for backup and when it comes they check out the license plates of the mans car its his car, they check his glove capartment theres no gun,and they check the trunk and theres no body, the officer walks up to the man and the man replies so i betcha that lieing son of a b*tch told you i was speeding to?

Q. What are the three reasons that make anal sex better than vaginal sex?
A. It’s warmer, it’s tighter, and it’s degrading to the woman.

1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?

It’s a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it’s not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We’re just misunderstood.

2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?

Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I’m fairly certain it’s some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?

We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It’s much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?

We like to. It’s actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?

You’d learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.

6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?

Well, we don’t actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It’s the old fashioned pride in a job well done that’s missing in so much of the world nowadays.

7. WHY CAN’T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?

Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we’re experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

8. WHY CAN’T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)?

Please… How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men… Men hunters… Need go roam… Starve in cave… Must go find wildebeest… Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.

9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?

Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.

10. WHY CAN’T MEN JUST SAY “I LOVE YOU?”

Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It’s not easy to admit to one’s own character faults.

11. WHY DO MEN SAY “I LOVE YOU” WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?

Ho, Ho, Ho… Aren’t you special? Well, some men think it’s a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

12. WHY DOESN’T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?

We just simply don’t have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

13. WHY WON’T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?

Why should we? It doesn’t really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you’ll pick it up.

14. WHAT’S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?

This usually only occurs after months of courting. It’s our way to let you know that we’re comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it’s actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.

15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?

It’s an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err… buying?

The dean at an exclusive girl’s college was lecturing her students on sexual morality.

“In moments of temptation,” said the speaker to the class, “ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”

A sweet young thing in the back of the room rose to ask, “How do you make it last an hour?”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

A little boy and a little girl were in a fight over who was
better. After the fight had been going on for hours with no
progress, the little boy ended up pulling down his pants and
said, “Oh, yeah! Well I have one of these and you don’t!” The
little girl, seeing that she was beaten, ran home crying. She
came back to the boy a little while later looking very proud of
herself. She pulled down her pants in front of the boy. “Oh,
yeah! Well my mommy told me that when you have one of these, you
can get as many of those as you want!”

Four blokes are out playing golf.

The first golfer says, “You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint all the outside of the house next weekend.”

The second golfer said, “That’s nothing, I had to promise my wife I would paint all the rooms in our house.”

The third golfer said, “Man, you’ve both got it easy! I had to promise my wife I would remodel the kitchen for her.”

After a few holes they realized that the other golfer had not said a word, so they asked him, “Didn’t you have to promise your wife anything in order to go golfing?”

The fourth golfer said, “I just set the alarm for 5:30 AM. When it goes off, I give the wife a dig and say, “Golf course or intercourse?,” and she replies, “You had better wear your sweater because it might be cold.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

1. Woman who goes to man’s apartment for snack, gets titbit.
2. Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.
3. Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.
4. Man who kisses girl’s behind, gets crack in face.
5. Passionate kiss like spider web–lead to undoing of fly.
6. Man with holes in pockets, feels cocky all day.
7. Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
8. Virginity like balloon–one prick, all gone.
9. Girl who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.
10. He who farts in church, sits in own pew.
11. Baseball all wrong–man with four balls can’t walk.
12. Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.
13. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
14. Man with penis in peanut butter jar is fucking nuts.
15. Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
16. Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.
17. Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.
18. When lady say no, she mean maybe, When lady say maybe, she mean yes, When lady say yes–she no lady!

One day, while a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.

When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, “Why are you crying?”

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water, and she needed the thimble to make her living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden thimble. “Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, “No.”

The Lord again went down and came up with a wooden thimble. “Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, “No.”

The Lord went down again and came up with a silver thimble. “Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, “Yes.”

The Lord was pleased with the woman’s honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some time later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river.

When she cried out, The Lord again appeared and asked her, “Why are you crying?”

“Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the water!”

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. “Is this your husband?” the Lord asked.

“Yes.” cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!”

The seamstress replied, “Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘no’ to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said ‘no’ to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor woman and am not able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT’S why I said yes to Mel Gibson.”

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

That’s our story, and we’re sticking to it.

Submitted by BreeBrown
Edited by calamjo and Curtis

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success.

Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan.

They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.

They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.

When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, “Okay, let’s get out and get him.”

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, “The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?”

The guy in the front says, “Well, I’m going to start nibbling grass, but you’d better brace yourself.”