Category: gender

Q.
What is the difference between men and pigs?
A. Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink.

Q. What is the definition of a woman?
A. A life support system for a pussy.

Q. What’s the difference between government bonds and men?
A. Bonds mature.

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.

Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she said, “Mabel, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?”

Mabel answered, “I have a suppository in my ear?”

She pulled it out and stared at it.

Then she said, “Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

1. You’re a Bitch.

2. When asked “Is something bothering you?” you reply “no,” then get pissed off when you are believed.

3. You become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him, and immediately expect him to stop this behaviour.

4. You always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.

5. You always hide very important events in very unimportant terms so you can have something to be pissed about when your boyfriend declines because he has pressing business. For example, you say “It’s no big deal, but I was wondering if you would like to visit my parents with me if you are not busy this weekend,” when you mean “It means a great deal to me for you to see my family with me this weekend – whether it is possible or not!”

6. You whine.

7. If you are trying to sleep, it’s because you’re exhausted from your almost superhuman level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep it’s because he is lazy.

8. No matter what the activity, he doesn’t do it as well as a past boyfriend.

9. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.

10. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.

11. You complain.

12. You hate any bar he likes.

13. You demand to be treated as an equal in everything – except when paying for meals, airplane tickets, concerts, beers, clothes, etc. – these are required gifts proving his love.

14. You declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you’re irregular from all the stress of your life.

15. Any woman who so much as stares at your boyfriend is labelled a WHORE, and your network of friends is informed immediately to spread this ‘fact’ as quickly as possible.

16. You make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs.

17. You break into tears for no apparent reason, then use number 2.

18. You ask for help in some endeavour then become livid when it is given.

19. You insinuate yourself into your boyfriend’s group of friends, break up with him, then make sure you are present at every gathering for the next month just to rub it in.

20. You must have two sets of clothes: your “Fat Clothes” and your “Clothes I’m Going to Fit In Someday, I Swear”. Still, you don’t like any of them.

21. (Corollary to #4) You have three closets (plus two dressers and six boxes) full of clothes, yet you stand in front of them for three hours before an important dinner declaring, “I have nothing to wear.”

22. You actually like the Lifetime cable channel.

23. Girls Night Out is a special treat. Boys Night Out is forbidden.

Women’s faults are many, men have only 2:

Everything they say and everything they do.

Did you hear that they are going to stop circumcising men?

They discovered they were throwing away the best part.

Eddie was telling Freddie of his plans to make a lot of money.

“I intend to buy a dozen swarms of bees and every morning at dawn I’m going to let them into the park opposite my house to spend all day making honey, while I relax.”

“But the park doesn’t open until nine o’clock,” protested Freddie.

“I realize that,” said Eddie, “but I know where there’s a hole in the fence.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing

Reasons Women Should Not Have Freedom of Speech…

1. She doesn’t need to talk to get me a beer.

2. If she’s in the kitchen like she should be, no one can hear her anyway.

3. If she can talk, all she’ll do is complain.

4. Because she won’t say “I will” instead of “I do.”

5. No man wants to hear “first down” during a basketball game.

6. Because PMS is no excuse for whining.

7. No man needs or wants to hear the word “period” unless it has to do with hockey.

8. Women created tampon and yeast infection commercials during football.

9. Affirmative action.

10. When men whistle at them in the street, they should just shut up and obey.

11. If my dick’s in her mouth, she can’t talk anyway.

12. Oprah.

13. Feminists.

14. Because that stupid look on her face should not be accompanied by an equally stupid statement.

15. The 2nd and 19th amendments.

16. I don’t want to be made to lie and say “I love you” after sex.

17. Highway fatalities would decrease by over 90%.

18. When I sneak out at four in the morning, I don’t want to hear anybody calling me back.

19. “No, I will NOT buy you tampons while I’m at the store”

20. This is my dick. I’m gonna fuck you. No more stupid questions.

21. Don’t waste your breath, I won’t respect you in the morning.

22. Women sportscasters.

23. Women congressman.

24. God forbid, a woman president. (Oops, my bad — see #66)

25. Marge Schott.

26. Stupid says as stupid does (and is).. Dikes (unless I can jump in the middle).

28. Where does speaking come into “barefoot and pregnant?”

29. Yes that toilet seat was yellow in the first place.

30. TLC and Salt-N-Pepa.

31. I could give a shit if you’re pregnant.

32. I don’t care if you’re in labor. For the love of god, let me sleep.

33. They were the reason for the 18th ammendment.

34. The life expectancy of the average male goes down with every bitchy word.

35. Female drunks are annoying unless they put out (for which they don�t need to talk)

36. We’re tired of their “We can’t pee standing up” shit.

37. That damn apple.

38. If she can’t speak, she can’t cry rape.

39. Of course, if she can’t speak, she can’t say no.

40. Rosanne. Nuff said.

41. Suzanne Powter. Too much said.

42. Honestly, do they really have anything useful to say?

43. Only one set of lips should be moving at a time.

44. If she can’t talk, she can’t bitch when I forget important dates.

45. There are no speaking parts in pornos anyway.

46. When she talks she’s not drinking, it’s hard to get her drunk when she talking.

47. Nothing should come out a woman’s mouth, SWALLOW BITCH!

48. The Mute button only works on the TV.

49. Whores get paid by the hour not by the word.

50. Helen Keller was the ultimate woman.

51. Equality is for math.

52. The credit card bill speaks for itself.

53. If it hurts, I don’t wanna hear it.

54. Marcia Clark.

55. Chick-flicks.

56. You don’t see Victoria’s Secret models talking, do you?

57. Janet, Mariah, and Whitney.

58. Michael Jackson.

59. Silence and sex make a great combination.

60. N. O. W. ? NO. NOW BITCH? YES.

61. Intelligent car conversation? Hell no. Her head should never be above the dashboard.

62. That annoying fat bitch from Snapple.

63. Your mouth is useful in so many other ways.

64. High phone bills really suck.

65. Women should be seen and not heard.

66. Do you think it was BILL Clinton who fucked up the country?

67. If I want romance, I’ll turn on Playboy (hopefully not her).

68. Because they’re not men.

69. 69, finally a use for both lips at the same time.

70. If I wanted your opinion, I’d ask for it.

71. Hell, if I wanted your opinion, I’d give it to you.

72. “Where’ve you been?” Who the fuck are you, my mother?

73. Women on radio? You can’t see them, do you really want to hear
them?

74. Unless the words are “Doctor, can you make these bigger?,” shut the fuck up.

75. Big breasts should speak for themselves.

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits

7. See if it’s truly possible to launch a ping-pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

Q. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
A. Put a nipple on it.

Joe Sensitive – “After I wash the dishes, let’s cuddle, OK?”
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy

Old Man Grump’s – “People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let’s stay home and watch TV.”
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogy, Slow Mover,
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass

Flinchy – “I–I’m sorry for whatever it was I did.”
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle

Bigfoot – “Shut yer trap, I’m thinkin’.”
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big ‘n’ Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig

Lazybones – “Zzzzzz”
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfill your dreams

The Sneak – “Who, me?”
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life

Ace of Hearts – “After I wash the dishes let’s make love like crazed weasels, OK?”
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused

The Dreamer – “Someday I’m going to be rich and famous. I don’t know how,”
Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into “Old Man Grump’s”

Mr. Right – “While the servants wash the dishes, let’s make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?”
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman’s prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction