Breakfast

A 7 year old boy and his 4 year old brother are upstairs in their bed room. The 7 year old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them begin swearing. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7 year old says, “When we go down stairs for breakfast this morning, I’ll say “Hell” and you say “ass.” The 4 year old happily agrees.

As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their Mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7 year old replies, “Ah hell, mom, I’ll just have some Cheerios.”

“WHACK!” The surprised mother reacts quickly. The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner voice, the mother then asks the younger son, “And what would YOU like for breakfast?” “I don’t know,” the 4 year old blubbers, “but you can bet your ass it’s not gonna be Cheerios.”

Great to Be a Guy

Reasons it’s great to be a guy:

– Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

– Movie nudity is virtually always female.

– A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.

– You don’t have to monitor your friends’ sex lives.

– Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.

– You can open all your own jars.

– Old friends don’t give a crap whether you’ve lost or gained
weight.

– Dry cleaners and haircutters don’t rob you blind.

– When clicking through the channels, you don’t have to stall at
every shot of somebody crying.

– All your orgasms are real.

– You don’t have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere
you go.

– You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

– Your last name stays put.

– You can leave the hotel bed unmade.

– You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

– Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.

– Sex means never worrying about your reputation.

– Wedding plans take care of themselves.

– If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can
still be your friend.

– You don’t have to shave below your neck.

– None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.

– You don’t have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.

– If you’re 34 and single, nobody even notices.

– You can write your name in the snow.

– Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.

– Chocolate is just another snack.

– You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger’s seat.

– Flowers fix everything.

– You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

– Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.

– You can eat a banana in a hardware store.

– Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a
room.

– You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

– You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.

– You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without
ever thinking “He must be mad at me”.

– The world is your urinal.

– Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

– One mood, all the time

– You never have to drive on to another gas station because this
one’s just too skeevy.

– You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you’re wearing.

– Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

– You don’t have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch
adjustment.

– Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.

– You don’t care if someone’s talking about you behind you back.

– With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth’s
population in 15 tries, at least in theory.

– You don’t mooch off others’ desserts.

– If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.

– The remote control is yours and yours alone.

– People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.

– You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a
littlegift.

– Bachelor parties whomp butt over bridal showers.

– You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.

– You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.

– You needn’t pretend you’re “Freshening up” to go to the
bathroom.

– If you don’t call your buddy when you say you will, he won’t
tell your other friends you’ve changed.

– Someday you’ll be a dirty old man.

– You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase “Screw
it.”

– If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you
just might become lifelong buddies.

– Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: “So…notice
anything different?”

Things that suck about being a guy:

– The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.

– External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.

– Even if you get your head caught in an industrial wood
chipper, you’re not allowed to cry.

– Ribbed for her pleasure – not yours.

– You have to wear ties.

– You can’t flirt your way out of a jam.

– “Women and children first.”

Brace yourself

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success.

Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.

They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.

When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, “Okay, let’s get out and get him.”

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, “The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?”

The guy in the front says, “Well, I’m going to start nibbling grass, but you’d better brace yourself.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Stunt driver

A speeding car careens off the highway, crashes through a guardrail, goes flying off a cliff, rolls over a few times, bounces off a tree and finally stops in a gorge.

A passing pedestrian, who had witnessed the entire accident, rubs his eyes in amazement and then makes his way to the car, where he helps the miraculously unharmed driver from the wreck.

�Good Lord, mister,� the helpful pedestrian gasps. �Are you drunk?�

�Of course,� says the man, brushing dirt and broken glass from his shirt. �What the hell do you think I am, a stunt driver?�

Submitted by ���rt��
Edited by Calamjo

Men & Women Compared!

NICKNAMES:
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

But if Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out for a beer, they will affectionately refer to each other as LardAss, Butt-Breath, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT:
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in
$20, even though it’s only for $22.50. None of them will have anything
smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS:
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS:
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument!

DRESSING UP:
A man will dress up for weddings, funerals.
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.

LOOKS
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
( I invite any woman to prove me wrong! 🙂

Getting Grey hairs

One day, Sally and her mother were washing dishes. Susie noticed that her mother was starting to get a few white hairs.”Mommy, Why do you have so many white hairs?” Sally asked?”Well, when you do something bad or hurt my feelings, I get another white hair.” her mom replied.”Oh!” Sally said.She thought for a few minutes, got a puzzled look on her face and then asked her mother, “Why is Grandma’s hair all white?”

Fishing

Two men were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams.

“I dreamt I was on vacation,” one man said fondly. “It was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake.”

“I had a great dream too,” said the other. “I dreamt I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life!”

His companion looked over and exhorted, “You dreamt you had two women, and you didn’t call me?”

“Oh, I did, but when I called, your wife said you’d gone fishing!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo