Category: gender

Q. How do you scare a man?
A. Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened
upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, “I was once a handsome
prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One Kiss from you and I will
turn back into a prince and we can marry, move into the castle with my mother,
and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever
feel happy doing so.”

That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she laughed to herselfand
thought, “I don’t FUCKING think so!”

Hell you fucken asshole freak. Fuck you!!When your baby came out of your big butt the docter smacked you not your ugly ,fat baby!!!

Every day I give thanks to the Goddess
I have two mounds upon my bodice
I shave my legs, I sit down to pee
I can justify any shopping spree
Not to a barber, but a beauty salon
Can get a massage without a hard on
Can balance the checkbook, pump my own gas
Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass

I always save money by using coupons
Can admit to others when I am wrong
Don’t drive in circles at any cost
So I don’t have to admit when I am lost
Don’t act like I’m in a timed marathon
Every time I go to the john

Let me tell you men
Listen to me boys
Those things in your pants
That you treat as toys
You love them more than we ever will
We would rather suck on a cold pickle dill

I spend two hours preparing for a date
Only to find you’re two hours late
I don’t watch movies with lots of gore
Don’t need instant replay to remember the score
I won’t lose my hair
I don’t get jock itch
And just cause I am assertive
Don’t call me a bitch

I don’t wear the same underwear everyday
The food in my fridge has no sign of decay
I don’t go to Sears
To look at the tools
I don’t cheat at poker
I follow the rules

I don’t smoke cigars
Don’t pay for drinks at bars
I don’t punch my friends just to say “Hi”
And it’s o.k. for me to cry

I know all you men
Think that you’re “IT”
But compared to a woman
You just ain’t Shit!

Two guys were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.
“Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?” asked one guy.
“Well, not exactly.” The other guy replied, “She’s more into the trick
dog
aspect of it.”
“Oh, I see, kinky, huh?”
“Well, not exactly, I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays
dead.”

THE PERFECT DAY THE PERFECT DAY ACCORDING TO HER

8:45 WAKE UP TO HUGS AND KISSES

9:00 3 KILOS LIGHTER ON THE SCALES

9:30 LIGHT BREAKFAST

11:00 SUNBATHE

12:30 LUNCH WITH BEST FRIEND AT OUTDOOR CAFE

1:45 SHOPPING

2:20 RUN INTO BOYFRIENDS/HUSBANDS EX NOTICE SHE HAS GAINED 20LBS

3:00 FACIAL,MASSAGE,NAP

7:30 CANDELIGHT DINNER FOR TWO AND DANCING

10:00 MAKE LOVE

11:30 PILLOW TALK IN HIS BIG STRONG ARMS

THE PERFECT DAY ACCORDING TO HIM

10:00 WAKE UP

10:02 ORAL SEX

10:10 BIG COOKED BREAKFAST

11:30 DRIVE UP THE COAST IN FERRARI WITH GORGEOUS BABE WITH BIG HOOTERS

2:15 ENORMOUS LUNCH

3:15 ORAL SEX WITH GORGEOUS BABE WITH BIG HOOTERS

3:25 PLAY SPORTS WITH THE GUYS

4:30 DRINK BEER WITH THE GUYS

6:30 MEET ELLE MACPHERSON

6:40 ORAL SEX WITH ELLE MACPHERSON

6:50 HUGE DINNER, MORE BEER

8:00 USE ALL COMPONENTS OF HOME ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM MAKING SURE ALL THE REMOTES WORK

11:00 FULL ON, GET DOWN, GORILLA SEX WITH EITHER ELLE MACPHERSON, GORGEOUS BABE WITH BIG HOOTERS OR BOTH

11:10 SLEEP

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies – two in the front seat and three in the back – eyes wide and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-Two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks.

“Oh, they’ll be fine in a minute or two, officer. We just got off Route 119!”

How do men sort their laundry?

“Filthy” and “Filthy but Wearable.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing

I’m glad I’m a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don’t live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don’t brag to my buddies about my erections
I won’t drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don’t get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I won’t grab your hooters, I won’t pinch your butt
my belt buckle’s not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I don’t go around “readjusting” my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don’t belch in public, I don’t scratch my behind
I’m a woman you see — I’m just not that kind!

I’m glad I’m a woman, I’m so glad I could sing
I don’t have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn’t grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can’t see 3 inches of crack
And what’s on my head doesn’t leave with my comb
I’ll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I’m a woman, you know — I’ve got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don’t live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don’t swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I won’t tell you my wife just does not understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I’m glad I’m a woman, a woman you see
you can forget all about that old penis envy
I don’t long for male bonding, I don’t cruise for chicks
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
I’m a woman by chance and I’m thankful it’s true
I’m so glad I’m a woman and not a man like you!

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car’s hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes look bigger.”
male: what you slap when someone’s scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything that can be done while drinking

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2&1/2 min.

Q: Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women?A: Women working at 900 numbers.

Element: Woman

Symbol: Wo

Atomic Weight: Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175.

Discoverer: Adam

Occurrence: Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal fluctuations.

Physical Properties :
a) Surface usually covered with painted film.
b) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
c) Melts if given special treatment.
d) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!
e) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
f) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

Chemical Properties :
a) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious stones.
b) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
c) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.
d) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in alcohol to a certain point.
e) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.
f) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.

Uses :
a) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
b) Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
c) Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.
d) Can cool things down when it’s too hot.

Tests :
a) Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
b) Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Caution :
a) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.
b) Illegal to possess more than one.