Category: gender

Harry goes to see his optometrist.

The doctor says, Harry, you have to stop masturbating.

Harry asks, Why? Am I going blind?

The doctor says, No, but you’re upsetting the other patients in the waiting room.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Q. What’s worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A. A woman that won’t do what she’s told.

* I’m out of estrogen. I have a gun.
* Guys have feelings, too. But like… who cares?
* I don’t believe in miracles. I rely on them.
* Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
* I hate everybody, and you’re next.
* Please don’t make me kill you.
* And your point is …
* I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re OK now.
* I’m busy. You’re ugly. Have a nice day.
* Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
* Remember my name – you’ll be screaming it later.
* You KNOW you want me.
* Don’t worry. It’ll only seem kinky the first time.
* Of course I don’t look busy. . I did it right the first time.
* Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
* I’m multitalented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time.
* Do NOT start with me. You won’t win.
* You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
* All stressed out and no one to choke.
* I’m one of those bad things that happen to good people.
* How can I miss you if you won’t go away?
* Sorry if I looked interested. I’m not.
* If we are what we eat, I’m fast, cheap and easy.
* Nobody knows I’m not wearing underwear.
* Don’t make me mad. I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.
* Objects Under This Shirt ARE Larger Than They Appear.

Women think they already know everything, but wait… training courses are now available for women in the following subjects:Silence, the final frontier: Where no woman has gone before.The undiscovered side of banking: Making deposits.Parties: Going without new outfits.Man management: Minor household chores can wait till after the game.Bathroom etiquette i: Men need space in the bathroom cabinet too.Bathroom etiquette ii: His razor is his.Communication skills i: Tears – the last resort, not the first.Communication skills ii: Thinking before speaking.Communication skills iii: Getting what you want without nagging.Driving a car safely: A skill you can acquire.Telephone skills: How to hang up.Advanced parking: Backing into a space.Water retention: Fact or fat. Cooking i: Bringing back bacon, eggs and butter. Cooking ii: Bran and tofu are not for human consumption. Cooking iii: How not to inflict your diets on other people. Compliments: Accepting them gracefully. PMS: Your problem… not his. Dancing: Why men don’t like to. Classic clothing: Wearing outfits you already have. Household dust: A harmless natural occurrence only women notice. Integrating your laundry: Washing it all together. Oil and gas: Your car needs both. TV remotes: For men only.

Three men were hiking through the jungle. All of a sudden a tribe of natives surrounded them, kidnapped them and hauled them to their village. Bound, they were brought before the chief, and the entire village. The chief stood up and said: “you each have the choice death or bonja bonja, if you choose bonja, bonja you will live”.
Man number one thought to himself well I don’t want to die, I just got married. So he chose bonja, bonja. The chief smiled. The entire male half of the tribe ran up and bum rushed him. Man number one, although barely able to walk, surrvived.

Man number two, although horrified, thought to himself I can’t die, I just won the lottery and have every opportunity in the world, and look man number one survived. So boldly he declared “I choose bonja, bonja!”. Once again all the males ran up behind him and had their way. In tears man number two hobbled away, in pain but alive.

It is now man number three’s turn, he is puking in complete disgust and thinking to himself no WAY, not me. Anything but that, even death would be better than that!

He turns looks the cheif straight in the eye and says “I choose death!”

The chief chuckles to himself and says”

Alright DEATH………..BY BONJA, BONJA!

What are the only five buttons any woman should ever have on her?
1. Suck.
2. Fuck.
3. Cook.
4. Clean.
5. Off.

1. You don’t have to put cream in your coffee to make it taste
good.
2. Coffee doesn’t complain when you put whipped cream in it.
3. A cup of coffee looks good in the morning.
4. You won’t fall asleep after a cup of coffee.
5. You can always warm coffee up.
6. Coffee comes with endless refills.
7. Coffee is cheaper.
8. You won’t get arrested for ordering coffee at AM.
9. Coffee never runs out.
10. Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.
11. You can take black coffee home to meet your parents.
12. You can make coffee as sweet as you want.
13. You can smoke while drinking coffee.
14. You can put out a cigarette in a cup of coffee.
15. Coffee smells and tastes good.
16. You don’t have to put vinegar in your coffee.
17. If your coffee pot leaks, you can use a regular paper towel.
18. You can always get fresh coffee.
19. You can turn the pot on, leave the room, and it’ll be hot
when you get back.
20. They sell coffee at police stations.
21. You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.
22. Coffee goes down easier.
23. If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn’t put on
weight.
24. No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of
coffee.
25. A big cup or small cup? It doesn’t matter.
26. Your coffee doesn’t talk to you.
27. Coffee smells good in the morning.
28. Coffee is good when it’s cold too.
29. Coffee stains are easier to remove.
30. Coffee doesn’t care when you dunk things in it.
31. Coffee doesn’t care what kind of mood you’re in.
32. Coffee doesn’t shed.
33. Coffee is ready in 15 minutes or less.
34. You can’t get a cup of coffee pregnant by putting cream in
it.
35. Coffee doesn’t mind being ground.
36. No matter how bad coffee is, you can always make it better.
37. Coffee doesn’t have a time of the month… it’s good all the
time.
38. When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.
39. When you have a coffee, you don’t end up with a pubic in the
back of your throat.
40. Coffee doesn’t take up half your bed.
41. Coffee doesn’t mind if you wake up at AM and decide to have
a cup.
42. INSTANT COFFEE!
43. You can have an intelligent conversation with coffee.
44. It can take up to 2 weeks for coffee to grow mold.
45. Your coffee won’t be jealous of a larger cup.

It�s the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He’s a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl’s father answers and invites him in.

“Carrie’s not ready yet. Why don’t you have a seat?” Carrie’s father asks Bobby what they’re planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

“Why don’t you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it!”

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby so he asks Carrie’s dad to please repeat himself.

“Yeah,” says Carrie’s father, “Carrie really likes to screw; she’ll screw all night if we let her!”

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and matching cardigan sweater and announces that she’s ready to go. Breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: �Dad, it’s called the Twist!”

When a woman gets married, she wants the 3 S’s: sensitivity, sincerity, and sharing. What does she get?

The 3 B’s: burps, body odor, and beer breath.

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Tantilazing

Ok guys, own up…which one are you?

Excitable Type
Pants are twisted, cannot find hole, rips pants in anger.

Sociable Type
Joins pals for a pee whether he wants one or not.

Timid Type
Cannot pee if anyone is watching, pretends he has been and sneaks back later.

Nosy Type
Peeps over partition to have a look at the other fellow’s thingy.

Indifferent Type
All urinals being occupied, uses sink.

Clever Type
Pees without holding tool, shows off by adjusting tie at the same time, pees on foot.

Vain Type
Undoes 5 buttons when 2 will do.

Absent-Minded Type
Opens jacket, takes out tie, pees in pants.

Worried Type
Is not quite sure what he has been up to lately, makes a furtive but close inspection of tool while peeing.

Disgruntled Type
Stands for a while, grunts, farts, tries to pee, fails, farts again and walks out muttering.

Conceited Type
Holds 2-inch tool like a baseball bat while peeing.

Sneaky Type
Drops silent farts while peeing and looks at the guy next to him.

Sloppy Type
Pees on shoe, walks out with flies undone, adjusts himself ten minutes later.

Learned Type
Reads a book or newspaper while peeing.

Childish Type
Watches bubbles at bottom of the urinal while peeing.

Efficient Type
Waits until has to poop and does both at the same time.

Strong Type
Bangs tool on side of urinal to remove drops.

Drunken Type
Pulls out tool, sees two, puts one away, and pees in trousers.

Embarrassed Type
Covers tool with both hands and pees through fingers.

Cock-Eyed Type
Stands in one cubical and pees in next one.

Top Ten Things Only Women Understand

10. Cats’ facial expressions.

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.

8. Why bean sprouts aren’t just weeds.

7. “Fat” clothes.

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.

5. The difference between beige, off-white and eggshell.

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.

3. Eyelash curlers.

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

And the number one thing women understand…

1. Other women!

Q. How do you scare a man?
A. Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.