Category: gender

So all you men know how to understand what women are saying!

********* Men’s guide to a Woman’s language **********

She says English ——— ——–

You want You want

We need I want

It’s your decision The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want You’ll pay for this later

We need to talk I need to complain

Sure…go ahead I don’t want you to.

I’m not upset Of course I’m upset, you moron

You’re…so manly You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

You’re certainly attentive tonight. Is sex all you ever think about?

I’m not emotional! And I’m not I’m on my period overreacting!

Be romantic, turn out the lights. I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient. I want a new house. I want new curtains and carpeting, furniture, wallpaper…

Hang the picture there No, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? I’m going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? I did something today you’re really not going to like..

I’ll be ready in a minute. Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Is my butt fat? Tell me I’m beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate. Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? [Too late, your dead.]

Yes No

No No

Maybe No

I’m sorry. You’ll be sorry.

Do you like this recipe? It’s easy to fix, so you’d better get used to it.

I’m not yelling! Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

******** In answer to the question “What’s wrong?” **********

The same old thing. Nothing.

Nothing. Everything.

Everything. My PMS is acting up.

Nothing, really. It’s just that you’re such an jerk.

I don’t want to talk about it. Go away, I’m still building up evidence against you.

A 47-year-old man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He really likes it. He was heading toward McDonalds when he stopped and asked a man, “excuse me for asking, but, what age do I look like?” The man says, “To me, you look 35.” The guy says, “Really! I’m actually 47!” and walks to on.

Once he gets to McDonalds, he asks the orderer the same question. The orderer says, “To me, you look 29.” The guy says, “Really! I’m actually 47!” and then leaves.

At the bus stop, he asks an old lady the same question. She says, “I’m 87, my eye sight isn’t that well. Although, I can tell your age by having my hand down your pants for 10 minutes.” The guy sees no one around and says what the hell and lets her…

…after ten minutes, she takes her hand out and says, “Alright, you’re 47.” The guy is surprised and says, “WOW! How did you know?” The old woman says, “I was standing behind you at McDonalds.”

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today’s society. (This is making the rounds.)

DIRECTRA – A dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask for directions when they got lost, compared to a control group where only 0.2 percent asked for directions.

PROJECTRA – Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA – Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more child-care tasks — especially cleaning up spills and little accidents.

COMPLIMENTRA – In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA – Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorites store’s return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA – Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA – This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

CAPAGRA – Caused test subjects to become uncharacteristically fastidious about lowering toilet seats and replacing toothpaste caps. Subjects on higher doses were seen dusting furniture.

PRYAGRA – About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent over-dose turned three test subjects into special prosecutors.

LIAGRA – This drug causes men to be less than truthful when they are asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

RUDOLPH IS GAY! It says so in the song:

line 3: Olive, the other Reindeer (a female) used to laugh and call him names (questioning his masculinity).

line 7: then HOWARD REINDEER loved him (physically and emotionally)
as he shouted out in glee (like only a fem would shout in glee!):
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer – YOU LL GO DOWN!……………..!!!???
(and they actually mistakenly added an extra letter to the last word because it originally
finished as: you ll go down on HIS – TOY!!)

Plus, he is IN BED with two other guys: Yukon and Hermie; and we all know about Hermie!

Just think about it!?

What a woman says:

Cmon…This place is a mess! You and I need to clean. Your pants are on the floor and you’ll have no clothes if we don’t do laundry now!

What a man hears:

C’MON….blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW!

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?

A. Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what’s in bed, and they go to the fridge.

1. Practice grunting 5 times a day. While some may find it
acceptable to grunt only before the morning coffee, the true
male will only answer in monosyllabic form, except for
emergencies, i.e. when some portion of your body is on fire.

2. Never ask for directions. Ever. Even if you find yourself
crossing the state line when all you wanted was to go buy some
ammo.

3. Never ever show emotion. No exceptions. Including the
emergency listed in Rule 1.

4. Refuse to talk about the relationship. Get uptight whenever
she mentions “love” or “commitment.”

5. Leave your boxers on the dining room table. Several pairs.
Pretend they aren’t there for as long as you can.

6. Never talk to a female, no matter how long you’ve known her,
when you’re with your friends.

7. Watch WWF Wrestling and believe it’s real. Attempt to get
tickets to the matches.

8. Scratch yourself in front of them. Watch them squirm.

9. Realize that your phone bill is way too high, and you
couldn’t possibly call any of your female friends, even if it’s
local.

10. Never compliment a girl, unless it’s behind her back about
the size of her, um…

11. Be early for everything (before the girl is even out of the
shower) or don’t show up at all.

12. Tell your girlfriend she doesn’t kiss as well as your ex.

13. Plan for months ahead to finally go to that wrestling match
with all your friends, on your anniversary of course, but
neglect to tell your significant other until the day before.
When she starts crying, offer to take her along. When she kicks
you out of the house, move in with your friends and watch
wrestling. Tell them she just has PMS.

14. Tell your girlfriend every dirty joke you can think of —
you know how she loves them!

15. When she gets a cold, to cheer her up, tell her exactly how
red her nose is and how bleary her eyes are. Expect her to be
grateful that you’re staying with her.

16. Invite your girlfriend to a Pantera concert. When she gets
injured in the mosh pit, get your friend to take her to the
emergency room.

17. Tell her, in detail, about all the girls that hit on you.

18. When she finally convinces you to take her to Prom, refuse
to dance. Besides, you’re just there to stand around and look
cool, right?

19. Automatically assume that she doesn’t know a thing about
cars or electrical equipment. When she finally gives in and lets
you fix something, try your best to completely ruin it.

20. Blame everything on PMS.

A pretty young woman visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination.

Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.

Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.

“Miss Jones,” he said finally, “it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

It seems that when God was making the world, he called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was horrified. “Only twenty years of normal sex life?” but the Lord was very adamant that was all man could have.

Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. “But I don’t need twenty years”, he protested, “Ten is plenty for me.”
Man spoke up eagerly. “Can I have the other ten?” The monkey graciously agreed.

Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion, like the monkey, wanted only ten.
Again the man spoke up, “Can I have the other ten?” The lion said of course he could.

Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years – but like the others, ten was sufficient – and again man pleaded, “Can I have the other ten?”

This explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life, plus ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it, and ten years of making an ass of himself.

Top Ten Things Only Women Understand10. Cats’ facial expressions.9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.8. Why bean sprouts aren’t just weeds.7. “Fat” clothes.6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.5. The difference between beige, off-white and eggshell.4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.3. Eyelash curlers.2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.And the number one thing women understand…1. Other women!

Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary, “Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it’s normal size, and state the conditions.”Mary gasped and said in a huff, “Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an inappropriate question and my parents are going to hear of it when I get home!” She sat down, red-faced.”Susan, can you tell me the answer?” asked Mr. Baldwin.”The pupil of the eye, under dark conditions,” said Susan.”Correct. Now Mary, I have three things to say to you. First, you have not studied your lesson. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, boy are you going to be disappointed someday!”

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem!”
“What’s the problem, Eve?”

“Lord, I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I’m just not happy.”

“Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above.

“Lord, I am lonely. And I’m sick to death of apples.”

“Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”

“What’s a ‘man’, Lord?”

“This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But, he’ll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He’ll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack.”

“Sounds great,” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

“Yeah, well. He’s better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition.”

“What’s that, Lord?”

“You’ll have to let him believe that I made him first.”