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A distraught man goes to see a psychologist.
“How may I help you?” the doctor asks.
Tha man replies, “Doc, every night, I have the same dream. I�m lying in bed and a dozen women walk in and try to rip my clothes off and have wild sex with me.”
“And then what do you do?” the shrink asks.
“I push them away,” the man says.
“Then what do you want me to do?” the shrink asks.
“Break my arms!” he pleaded.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Did you her the one about the bi-sexual baby? It had a penis AND a brain.
The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel or mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.
The perfect man likes children
And will raise them by your side.
He will be a good father
As well as a good husband to his bride
The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too.
He’ll do anything in his power
To show his love to you.
The perfect man is sweet,
Writing poetry from your name.
He’s a best friend to your mother
And kisses away your pain.
He has never made you cry
Or hurt you in any way.
Oh, “to hell with this stupid poem,”
“Cause the perfect man is gay!”
A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson, and the instructor notices she is using the wrong grip.
After several failed attempts to correct her, he finally says, “OK, just grip it like you do your husband’s member.”
After that, she immediately rips a couple of top spin winners down the line.
The instructor says, “Wow that’s great. Now just try taking the racket out of your mouth.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside.
He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.
“I’ll grant you your fondest wish,” the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said, “I want a spectacular job.
A job that no man has ever succeeded at nor has ever even dared try.”
“Poof!” said the genie.
“You’re a housewife!”
Men are what women marry. Most have two arms, two legs, a large ego and sometimes two wives.
They can be divided into three categories: bachelors, husbands and widowers.
Each category can be subdivided into prizes, surprises, consolations and dead losses, the last group being the most common.
If you flatter them, they get frightened. If you don’t, they get bored.
If you allow them to make love to you in the beginning, they get bored with you in the end. If you don’t allow them to make love to you, they get bored in the beginning.
If you argue with them, you will lose your charm. If you don’t argue with them, they will stop trying to charm you.
If you are outgoing and popular with other men, they think you are a tart.If you are not an extrovert they ignore you.
Finally, to kiss a man, you must be prepared to kiss a rum scented brillo pad used to clean ashtrays.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
25 rules for Women to follow:
1. Sports Center starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister. Do not bother me!!
2. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game DO, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
3. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew, Banana Republic or the local Patagonia store.
4. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
5. Butthead is the smart one.
6. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
7. You probably don’t want to know what we’re thinking about.
8. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about “us” and “the relationship.”
9. Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
10. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.
11. Socks never constitute a gift.
12. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.
13. We don’t know anything about handbags. Don’t even ask.
14. We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.
15. Even if you think he’s cute, Kevin Costner can’t act.
16. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to make the movie “Sirens” rather than “Waterworld.”
17. Curley is the bald one.
18. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.
19. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.
20. It is neither in your interest nor ours to take The Quiz together.
21. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don’t expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.
22. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation is not.
23. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.
24. No, you can’t have the remote control.
25. If you must take us with you into Victoria’s Secret, never, ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort.
Ms. Nice Guy – “Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn’t have”
Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday
Old Yeller – “You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can’t you see you’re making me miserable??”
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans
Sickly – “Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite”
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious
The Bosser – “Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Don’t give me that look.”
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied – “I just can’t decide. Should I switch my career? goals?”
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c’mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed
Wild Woman out of Control – “Lez get drunk an’ make love onna front lawn.
Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs
Huffy – “I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at”
Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends
Woman from Mars – “I believe this dance will explain how I feel about you” Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud
Ms. Dreamgirl – “I am utterly content with you just the way you are”
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you
When God created man, he gave him 20 years of sex. Man asked God for more, but God said 20 years was enuff. When God created monkey, he gave him 20 years.
Monkey said to God, “I only need 10 years”.
Man heard this and spoke up “God may I have the other 10 years?”
God said okay.
God then gave 20 years to the lion.
However, lion spoke up and said that 10 years was plenty for sex.
Again man spoke up and requested the other 10 years.
God gave him the extra 10 years again.
God then gave the donkey 20 years of sex, but again the donkey thought 10 years was enuff.
Man spoke up again and requested the other 10 years.
God gave him the other 10 years.
This is why man has 20 years good sex, 10 years monkeying around, 10 years lion about it, and 10 years making a jackass of himself.
There was an Englishman, Scottishman and an Irishman swimming in the sea one day when suddenly they were captured by pirates.
The captain said to them, “Your getting locked up in dungeons for 50 years, but I’ll give you something to go in with.”
So the Englishman says he wants to go in with booze, so he goes in with his booze.
The Scotsman says he wants some women so he goes in with his women.
Finally, the Irishman wants to go in with cigarettes so he goes in with his cigarettes.
Then 50 years later, the Englishman comes out of his dungeon pissed, the Scotsman comes out with his women and kids, and the Irishman comes out and says, “Got a light?”
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Heaven is getting to full so god makes up a new rule that the day u die has to be a bad one or u cant get into heaven. so a guy dies and god says 2 him u know the new rule what was ur day like and the man says well i came home only 2 find my wife lying naked on the bed and telling me shes been having an affair! whats more is that the guys shes having it with is still in the house!! so i search the whole house looking for him and i finally go out onto the balcony and i see this guy naked hanging off our 25 story balcony so i jump on his fingers and he falls, but hes not dead so i throw out fridge on him, and it was all so much i had a heart attack and died
god says: thats a bad day u may enter
another guy dies and god says u know the rule what was ur day like and the guy says well i was having a shower and i walked out onto the balcony with my towel wrapped around me and i slipped i fell down onto my neighbours balcony below so im hanging by my fingertips off this 25 storey building and this freak comes out and starts jumping on my finger so i let go and fall but im not dead but then the freak throws his fridge on top of me so i die
god says thats a bas day u may enter
another guy dies and god says u know the new rule what was ur day like?
and the guy says picture this im standing naked in a fridge…..