Category: gender

Q.
Why are men like blenders?
A. You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.

The nice men are ugly.

The handsome men are not nice.

The handsome and nice men are gay.

The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.

The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have

no money.

The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with

money think we are only after their money.

The handsome men without money are after our money.

The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat

heterosexual, don’t think we are beautiful enough.

The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual,

somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.

The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and

have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy

and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!

The men who never make the first move, automatically lose

interest in us when we take the initiative.

And yet, WOMEN are the CONFUSING sex?

Why did God create man?

Because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn.

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.

“How do you account for this?” he asked the brothers.

“It’s hereditary, sir,” the older one replied.

“I see,” said the doctor, writing in his file.

“Your father’s the reason for your elongated penises ?”

“No sir, our mother.”

“Your mother?” the doctor asked. “You idiot, women don’t have penises!”

“I know, sir,” replied the recruit, “but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best as she could.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Yo mamas so dumb she sat on the tv and watched the couch.

what do you call a mexican babptism?
Answer:bean dip

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately call each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though its only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item she doesn’t want.

BATHROOMS

A man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the

garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Why did the woman cross the road?

Who cares? What the hell was she doing out of the kitchen?!!

Men are like car spaces, all the good ones are taken and the rest are too small!

Why is a mans semen white and urine yellow? So he can tell if hes coming or going.

Men often find blowing off a woman the most difficult part of the dating process. The closest they ever come to telling a woman it’s over is to look her straight in the eye and say, “I’ll call you next week.” But there is now a great way to blow a woman off. It’s safe, it’s affordable and the best thing is the female has no opportunity to throw things at you. It’s at your fingertips right now: E-mail.
That’s how all the happening, 90’s kind of guys are telling women they are not worthy. You’ll feel like a real man knowing you have told her how you really feel from the safety of your keyboard. And you can delete her response without ever reading it. What could be more painless? Following is an email rejection letter:

Men can use it the next time they need to put their main squeeze on notice. The text of the letter follows:

Dear (her name),

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name). As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available.

So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reasons you were disqualified from the competition: (Men will check those that apply)

_____ Your failure to reach for your purse in even a feigned attempt to pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic economics.

_____ Your inadvertent admission that you “buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by the truckload” indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for the position.

_____ You failed the 20 question rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

_____ The only question you did ask was how much money I make.

_____ You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside after I opened the passenger side door for you.

_____ My breasts are bigger than yours.

_____ Your height is out of proportion with your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

_____ Your repeated comments such as, “Is it still called a penis when it’s this small?” were both uncalled for and thoughtless.

_____ The way you enthusiastically jumped on stage at the alternative bar and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are far too impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to heterosexuality.

_____ Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your ex-boyfriend to shack up with you again after he “beats that domestic abuse rap” shows compassion but makes it difficult to take you seriously.

_____ Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount importance to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team

into the bedroom so it would be “just like college” seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate.

_____ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,

(Your name)

A distraught man goes to see a psychologist.

“How may I help you?” the doctor asks.

Tha man replies, “Doc, every night, I have the same dream. I�m lying in bed and a dozen women walk in and try to rip my clothes off and have wild sex with me.”

“And then what do you do?” the shrink asks.

“I push them away,” the man says.

“Then what do you want me to do?” the shrink asks.

“Break my arms!” he pleaded.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman