Category: gender

How can you tell the difference between men’s real gifts and their guilt gifts?

Guilt gifts are nicer.

TO MY WIFE: My overdraft at the bank. Maybe she can explain it.

TO MY NEIGHBOR: My clown suit. He’ll need it if he continues to farm as he has in the past.

TO THE ASCS: My grain bin. I was planning to let them take it next year anyway.

TO THE FARM ADVISOR: 50 bushels of corn to see if he can hit the market. I never did.

TO THE JUNK MAN: All my machinery. He’s had his eye on it for years.

TO MY UNDERTAKER: A special request. I want six implement and fertilizer dealers for my pallbearers. They’re used to carrying me.

TO THE WEATHERMAN: Rain, sleet, and snow for the funeral please. No sense having good weather now.

TO THE GRAVEDIGGER: Don’t bother. The hole I’m in should be big enough.

TO THE MONUMENT MAKER: For the epitaph: “Here lies a farmer who has now properly assumed all of his obligations”.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Whats the difference between a tribe of Pygmies and an all-girls track team?

The Pygmies are cunning runts.

A girl and boy had been having a relationship for about four months and one Friday night after work they meet in a bar. They stay for a few drinks and then go on to get some food at a restaurant near their respective houses. They eat then go back to his house and she stays over.Her story:Well, Ed was in an odd mood when I got to the bar. I thought it might have been me because I was a bit late but he didn’t say anything much about it, but the conversation was quite slow going, so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately, so we go to this restaurant and he’s still a bit funny and I’m trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it’s me or something, so I ask him and he says no, but you know I’m not really sure, so anyway, in the cab back to his house I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me and I don’t know what the hell that means, because you know he doesn’t say it back or anything, so when we get back to his place I’m wondering if he’s going off me and so I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV and so I say I’m going to go to sleep and then after about 10 minutes he joins me and we have sex but he seemed really distracted and so afterwards I just want to leave and, I dunno, I just don’t know what he thinks any more, I mean, do you think he’s met someone else?His story:Shit day at work. Great shag later.

The 3 biggest lies a cowboy tells:

This here truck is paid for.

I won this belt buckle at the rodeo.

Honest officer, I was just helpin’ the sheep over the fence.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

A foursome is waiting at the men’s tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee.

The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet.

She goes over to the ball, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically: “I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn’t help.”

One of the men immediately replies: “No, you see there is your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead.”

A woman walked into a very busy butcher’s shop.

Looking at meats and poultry on display, she suddenly grabbed hold of a dressed chicken, she picked up one wing, sniffed it.

She then picked up the other wing and sniffed it.

Then she picked up one leg, sniffed it, then picked up the other leg and sniffed it too.

Just as she finished sniffing the second leg, the butcher walked up to her and said, “Madam, could -you- pass such a test?”

When a woman gets married, she wants the 3 S’s: sensitivity, sincerity, and sharing. What does she get?

The 3 B’s: burps, body odor, and beer breath.

The Top Ten Things Men Know About Women:

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9
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6
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3
2
1

(ATTENTION… if you don’t get it, seek help fast 🙂

If Women Ruled the World…

Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.

PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.

Men would get reputations for sleeping around.

Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding
rings in their pockets.

A man would no longer be considered a “good catch” simply because he’s
breathing.

Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would
increase by 40 pounds.

Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity

“Ms.” Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily
clad male models.

Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of
bedtime.

Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for one
of the credit.

Little girls would read “Snow White and the Seven Hunks”

Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women made.

Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.

Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no
pictures.

Men would learn phrases like: “I’m sorry”, “I love you”, “You’re
beautiful”, “Of course you don’t look fat in that outfit”.

Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their
accomplishments

Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.

Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.

All toilet seats would be nailed down.

Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.

TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.

All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.

During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19 year olds

Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention
constantly.

After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to
wait on their wives hand and foot.

For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old
for six weeks.

You know a man’s lying if his lips are moving.
Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
So many men – so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
Tell him you’re not his type – you have a pulse.
Never let your man’s mind wander – its too little to be let out alone.
Never sleep with a man who’s named his willy.
Go for younger men. You might as well – they never mature anyway
A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.
Men are all the same – they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
Women don’t make fools of men – most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
If you wanted a committed man look in a mental hospital.
If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him cheque books.
Boring men are like snot – they get up your nose.
Always wear high heels, it makes it easier to look down on him.
If he asks you if your faking it tell him no, your just practicing.
Sadly, all men are created equal.
There are a lot of words that you can use to describe men – strong,
caring,loving – they’d be wrong – but you could still use them.

Q. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A. A Lickalotopuss