Category: gender

Q. How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?

A. “Who cares” its not his house any more.

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a see through blouse on and no bra.

Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager tells her, “Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!” and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting here with no top on. The teenager wants to die.

She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate…

The grandmother says, “Loosen up, sweetie, If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging rose garden.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Why do women wear make up and perfume?
Because they’re often under increasing pressure from a society which over- simplifies the process of ascertaining ones worth and attractiveness by reducing someone down to individual physical attributes.

…or is it because they’re ugly and they smell bad?

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. “I’m too young to die!” she wails.

Then she yells, “Well, if I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I’ve had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I’ve had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??”

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. “I can make you feel like a woman,” he says.

He was gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: “Iron this.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Glaci

I really don’t know, but I wonder:
How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

Men’s Rules for Women

* If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of those ways makes you sad or angry… we meant it the other way.

* Department stores and malls were purposely designed so that when you want to look at bed linens, shower curtains or handbags, speakers, tires or sporting equipment are always nearby.

* We don’t know ANYTHING about handbags. Please, don’t even ask.

* We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why…

* Silence does not always need to be filled with discussions about “us” and “the relationship.”

* It is in neither your best interest or ours to take those stupid magazine quizzes together.

* Actually, you probably don’t want to know what we’re thinking.

* Good things for you to help us with: the Sunday crossword puzzle, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.

* Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching ESPN, playing cards, and home repair.

* Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions and neither do we.

* Curley is the bald one.

* Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Cal Ripken, Michael Jordan, or Arnold Schwarzenegger, don’t expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Kathy Lee Gifford or Suzanne Summers are up to.

* Socks never constitute a gift.

* Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.

* Two hot dogs and a drink at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.

* Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

* You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done – not both!

* Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.

* When we’re turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, your saying “This is our exit” is not necessary.

* No, you can’t have the remote control.

There were once 3 blondes on an island, but they couldn’t find a way off. But while searching, one of them tripped over what happened to be a magic lamp. Dusting it off, the genie came out.

“I will grant you each a wish,” he said.

“Why not,” thought the blondes. “It’s worth a try.”

“I want to be the world’s best swimmer” one said, “so can swim off of the island”. She then jumped in to the ocean and swam away.

“I want to be a bird” one said, and flew away immediately.

The 3rd, and last one thought for a while. “I want to be a man. Maybe that would help.” She was instantly transformed into a man, then walked across the bridge to the mainland, where she joined her two friends.

1. Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they’re actually in control.

2. Women especially love a bargain. The question of “need” is irrelevant, so don’t bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.

3. Women never have anything to wear. Don’t question the racks of clothes in the closet; you “just don’t understand”.

4. Women need to cry. And they won’t do it alone unless they know you can hear them.

5. Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.

6. Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.

7. Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That’s why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.

8. Women don’t need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man *wants* to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.

9. Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there’s a spider or a wasp involved.

10. Women can’t keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don’t view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.

11. Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.

12. Women can’t refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she’s doing. It might be the lottery calling.

13. Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn’t need toys if women had an “on/off” switch.

14. Women think all beer is the same.

15. Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.

16. Women don’t understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things *could* be.

17. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he’ll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she’ll pack 21 outfits because she doesn’t know what she’ll feel like wearing each day.

18. Women brush their hair *before* bed.

19. Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you’ll have a pretty good idea about how she’ll be in bed.

20. Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.

21. Women are *never* wrong. Apologizing is the man’s responsibility, “It’s there in the Bible”. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?

22. Women do *not* know anything about cars. “Oil-stick, oil doesn’t stick?”

23. Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share.

24. The average number of items in a typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

25. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

26. Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

27. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.

28. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.

29. Women don’t try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don’t fall asleep afterwards.

30. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, ‘How do I look?’

31. PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.

32. The first naked man women see is “Ken”.

33. Women are insecure about their weight, butt, and breast sizes.

34. Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.

35. “Oh, nothing,” has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.

36. Lewis Carroll’s Caterpillar had nothing on women.

37. Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.

38. All women are overweight by definition; don’t agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don’t bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.

39. If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, “What did you do?”

40. Only women understand the reason for “guest towels” and the “good china”.

41. Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.

42. Only women understand the reason for “guest towels” and the “good china”.

43. If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more trouble)

44. Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they “left the seat up” instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.

45. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.

46. Women don’t really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don’t see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?

47. Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.

48. It’s okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay, You don’t see straight men dancing together.

49. Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they’ll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.

50. The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don’t hear men say, “Oh-my-GOD, there’s another man wearing a black tux, get me outta here!”

Shortly after a new police commissioner took office, the local
“house of pleasure” was raided and the girls were lined up
outside for questioning and transport to the Police Station.

A little old lady chanced to walk by while this was happening,
and noticing the “line-up” asked what was happening. As a joke,
one of the ‘chicks’ told her they were standing in line for free
lollipops.

A few minutes later, a constable approached the elderly woman
and asked, “Aren’t you a little bit old for this?”

“Officer,” she softly replied with a sweet smile, “as long as
they keep making them, I’ll keep sucking them.”

What do you tell a women with 2 black eyes?
Nothing she has been told 2 times.

There are 3 basic types of people in the world:
1. Those who can count.

2. Those who can’t.

100 REASONS IT’S GREAT TO BE A GUY!
(No offense intended or implied)

1) Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

2) Movie nudity is virtually always female.

3) You know stuff about tanks.

4) A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.

5) Monday Night Football.

6) You don’t have to monitor your friends’ sex lives.

7) Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.

8) You can open all your own jars.

9) Old friends don’t give a crap whether you’ve lost or gained
weight.

10) Dry cleaners and haircutters don’t rob you blind.

11) When clicking through the channels, you don’t have to stall at
every shot of somebody crying.

12) Your butt is never a factor in job interviews.

13) All your orgasms are real.

14) A beer gut doesn’t make you invisible to the opposite sex.

15) Guy in hockey masks don’t attack you (unless you smash ’em into
the boards).

16) You don’t have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you
go.

17) You understand why Stripes is funny.

18) You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

19) Your last name stays put.

20) You can leave the hotel bed unmade.

21) When your work is criticized, you don’t have to panic that
everyone secretly hates you.

22) You can kill your own food.

23) The garage is all yours.

24) You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

25) You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.

26) Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.

27) You never have to clean a toilet.

28) You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.

29) Sex means never worrying about your reputation.

30) Wedding plans take care of themselves.

31) If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still
be your friend.

32) your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

33) The National College Cheerleading Championship.

34) You don’t have to shave below your neck.

35) None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.

36) You don’t have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.

37) If you’re 34 and single, nobody even notices.

38) You can write your name in the snow.

39) You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.

40) Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.

41) Chocolate is just another snack.

42) You can be president. (In this lifetime.)

43) You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger’s seat.

44) Flowers fix everything.

45) You never have to worry about other people’s feelings.

46) You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.

47) You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

48) Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.

49) You can eat a banana in a hardware store.

50) You can say anything (“Wow, do my balls hurt!”) and not worry
about what people will think.

51) Foreplay is optional.

52) Michael Bolton doesn’t live in your universe.

53) Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.

54) You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

55) You don’t have to clean your apartment if the meter reader’s
coming by.

56) You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.

57) Car mechanics tell you the truth.

58) You don’t give a rat’s butt if anyone notices your new haircut.

59) You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without
ever thinking He must be mad at me.

60) The world is your urinal.

61) You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover’s
about to leave you.

62) You get to jump up and slap stuff.

63) Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

64) One mood, all the time

65) You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look
like him.

66) You never have to drive on to another gas station because this
one’s just too skeevy.

67) you know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.

68) You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you’re wearing.

69) Same work…more pay!

70) Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

71) You don’t have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch
adjustment.

72) Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental:$75.

73) You don’t care if someone’s talking about you behind you back.

74) With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth’s
population in 15 tries, at least in theory.

75) You don’t mooch off others’ desserts.

76) If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.

77) The remote control is yours and yours alone.

78) People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.

79) ESPN’s SportsCenter.

80) You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little
gift.

81) Bachelor parties whomp butt over bridal showers.

82) You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.

83) You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.

84) You needn’t pretend you’re “Freshening up” to go to the bathroom.

85) If you don’t call your buddy when you say you will, he won’t tell
your other friends you’ve changed.

86) Someday you’ll be a dirty old man.

87) You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase “Screw
it.”

88) If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just
might become lifelong buddies.

89) Princess Di’s death was just another obituary.

90) The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

91) You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you’re not in
the mood.

92) You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.

93) If something mechanical doesn’t work, you can bash it with a
hammer or throw it across the room.

94) New shoes don’t blister, cut, and mangle your feet.

95) Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.

96) You don’t have to remember everyone’s birthdays and
anniversaries.

97) Not liking a person doesn’t preclude having great sex with them.

98) Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: “So…notice
anything different?”

99) Baywatch

100) There’s always a game on somewhere.