Category: gender

Friendly golfer (to player searching for lost ball):

“What sort of a ball was it?”

Caddie (butting in):

“A brand new one, never been properly hit yet!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Ms. Nice Guy – “Tickets to the boxing match? Oh, darling, you shouldn’t have!”

Also known as: Whattagal, Precious, one of the boys, My Main Squeeze, Doormat

Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly

Disadvantages: May wise up someday

Old Yeller – “You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can’t you see you’re making me miserable??”

Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell

Advantages: Pays attention to you

Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans

Sickly – “Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite.”

Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy

Advantages: Predictable

Disadvantages: Contagious

The Bosser – “Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don’t give me that look.”

Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, Yes Mom

Advantages: Often right

Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied – “I just can’t decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?”

Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C’mon Honey

Advantages: Easily soothed

Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

Wild Woman out of Control – “I’ve got an idea. Lez get drunk an’ make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S’fun.”

Also known as: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Goodtime Charleena, Passed Out

Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys

Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

Huffy – “I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at.”

Also known as: No Fun, Humorless Prig, Cold fish, Chilly Proposition, Iceberg, Snarly

Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you

Disadvantages: You will have no friends

Woman from Mars – “I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship.”

Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic

Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable

Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud

Ms. Dreamgirl – “I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now!”

Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous

Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited

Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you

Once there was this boy who liked this girl. The girl LOVED cookies.

One day, the boy said to the girl “I’ll give you five cookies if you come home with me.”

She said ok.

As soon as they got home, the boy said to her “I’ll give you 15 cookies if you come upstairs into my room with me”

She said ok.

When they got up, the boy said “I’ll give you 35 cookies if you lay on the bed with me”

She said ok again.

When they were on the bed, he said “I’ll give you 50 cookies if you get naked and dance like a stripper on that pole over there”

Again she said ok.

After she was naked and finished with her dance, he said “I’ll give you 100 cookies if you have tear my clothes off with your teeth and have sex with me”

Naturally she said ok.

While they were having sex, the boys parents walked in and said “Hump her, Danny, hump her!” and that’s exactly what he did!

Submitted by Admin
Edited by Curtis

What a woman says:
This place is a mess! C’mon,you and i need to clean up, your stuff is lying on the floor and you’ll have no clothes to wear, if we don’t do laundry right now!

What a Man Hears:

blah,blah,blah,blah,C’MON
blah,blah,blah,blah,YOU AND I
blah,blah,blah,blah,ON THE FLOOR
blah,blah,blah,blah,NO CLOTHES
blah,blah,blah,blah,RIGHT NOW!

Women truly are better than men. Otherwise, they’d be intolerable.
– Ed Abbey

In everything but brains and brawn, women are vastly superior to men.
– Ed Abbey

Girls, like flowers, bloom but once. But once is enough.
– Edward Abbey

Women who love only women may have a good point.
– Edward Abbey

Women: We cannot love them all. But we must try.
– Edward Abbey

The feminists have a legitimate grievance. But so does everyone else. – Edward Abbey

Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.
– Woody Allen

Woman: A creature whom a man can’t get along with or without. Animal usually living in the vicinity of man, and having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication.
– Ambrose Bierce

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
– Dumas

Women! You can’t live with them, you can’t do most positions without them.
– Dan Fielding (from the “Night Court” television series)

The great question… Which I have not been able to answer…is, “What does a woman want?”
– Freud

Women are one of the Almighty’s enigmas to prove to men that He knows more than they do.
– Ellen Glasglow

Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely given them little.
– Dr. Johnson

Being a woman is of special interest to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is simply a good excuse not to play football.
– Fran Lebowitz

It’s so hard for women, even nice women, to realize that their bodies are not irresistible.
– Philip Marlowe “The Big Sleep” (1939) a novel by Raymond Chandler

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women.
– Groucho Marx

Men always want to please women, but these last 15 years, women have been hard to please. If you want to resist the feminist movement, the simple way to do it is to give them what they want and they’ll defeat themselves. Today, you’ve got endless women in their 20s and 30s who don’t know if they want to be a mother, have lunch, or be secretary of state.
– actor Jack Nicholson

There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380L Convertible.
– P.J. O’Rourke

Did you know that woman speaks eighteen languages? … And can’t say ‘no’ in any of them.
– Dorothy Parker

Women: You can’t live with them, and you can’t get them to dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash.
– Emo Phillips

A woman is like a dresser; some man always goin’ through her drawers. – Blind Lemon Pledge

Feminism: A socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.
– Pat Robertson

If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966, only two went back to women.
– Mort Sahl

Women’s magazines always seem to me to be instructing aliens on how to act like women. It’s as though the people reading know nothing: what to wear at a picnic, what to eat when you get to the picnic. It’s for pods who want to impersonate humans. On the other hand, there’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, “I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.”
– comic Jerry Seinfeld, in Esquire

I think that maybe if women and children were in charge, we would get somewhere
– James Thurber

Feminists say 60 percent of the country’s wealth is in the hands of women. They’re letting men hold the other 40 percent because their handbags are full.
– Earl Wilson

A lady is a woman who never shows her underwear unintentionally.

A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad; an optimist hopes they are.

A man uses guns, knives, and explosives to get what he wants, but a woman has some very special weapons of her own.

Being a woman is quite difficult since it consists mainly of dealing with men.

By the time you know a woman like a book, you’re too old to start a library.

Feminists are okay, I just wouldn’t want my sister to marry one.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

Never argue with a woman when she’s tired…or when she’s rested.

One of the ironies of life is that it’s usually the warm girls, not the cold ones, who get the fur coats.

Real women don’t have hot flashes, they have power surges.

Women do not snore, fart, or belch; therefore, they must bitch or else they will blow up.

Women who think they are the equal of men, lack ambition.

A man is sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

Man:
‘What was that for?’

Wife:
‘What was that piece of paper in your pants’ pocket with the name Marylou written on it?’

Man:
‘Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on. ‘

The wife looked all satisfied, apologizes and goes off to work around the house.

Three days later the man is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.

Man:
‘What the hell was that for this time?’

Wife:
‘Your horse called.’

A girl and boy had been having a relationship for about four months and one Friday night after work they meet in a bar. They stay for a few drinks and then go on to get some food at a restaurant near their respective houses. They eat then go back to his house and she stays over.

Her story:
Well, Ed was in an odd mood when I got to the bar. I thought it might have been me because I was a bit late but he didn’t say anything much about it, but the conversation was quite slow going, so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately, so we go to this restaurant and he’s still a bit funny and I’m trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it’s me or something, so I ask him and he says no, but you know I’m not really sure, so anyway, in the cab back to his house I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me and I don’t know what the hell that means, because you know he doesn’t say it back or anything, so when we get back to his place I’m wondering if he’s going off me and so I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV and so I say I’m going to go to sleep and then after about 10 minutes he joins me and we have sex but he seemed really distracted and so afterwards I just want to leave and, I dunno, I just don’t know what he thinks any more, I mean, do you think he’s met someone else?

His story:
Shit day at work. Great shag later.

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, stroke, console, purr, hug, cuddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate,
attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromatize, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, Anglicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don’t care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin’ in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle,
amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, and start again.

HOW TO SATISFY A MAN:

Show up naked with beer and food.

Two men at the same hotel are out on the balcony.

First man-I’m on my honeymoon. How about you?

Second man-Yeah, me too.

First man-I had sex with my wife before we were married. How about you?

Second man-Shit, I don’t know. What was her maiden name

It seems when God was making the world, He called man over and bestowed
upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was horrified, “Only twenty
years of normal sex life?” But the Lord was adamant that was all man could
have.

Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him 20 years. “But I don’t need
20 years,” he protested, “ten’s plenty for me.” Man spoke up eagerly, “Can
I have the other 10?” The monkey graciously agreed.

Then the Lord called the lion and gave him 20 years. And the lion, like
the monkey, wanted only 10. Again the man spoke up, “Can I have the other
10?” The lion said of course he could.

Then came the donkey and he was given 20 years. But like the others, ten
was sufficient. And again man pleaded, “Can I have the other 10?” The
donkey said yes he could.

This explains why man has 20 years of normal sex life, plus 10 years of
monkeying around, 10 years of lion about it and 10 years of making an ass
out of himself.

Q. How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?

A. “Who cares” its not his house any more.

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a see through blouse on and no bra.

Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager tells her, “Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!” and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting here with no top on. The teenager wants to die.

She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate…

The grandmother says, “Loosen up, sweetie, If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging rose garden.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis