Category: gender

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him.

He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, “And get me a coke, you cow!”

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a coke for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls “And get me another coke dogface!”

Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another coke but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot’s approach. “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee!

Go and get it now you old goat!”

The next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, “For someone who can’t fly, you’ve got guts!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

A woman strode angrily into the large drug-store-cum-general-store, slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction.

The clerk asked, “What’s the problem? Wouldn’t your cat eat them?”

The woman’s eyes got very large, and she whispered, “Do you mean to tell me that Pussy Treats are meant for ‘cats’?”

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a
cigarette with a satisfied smile on it’s face and the egg is
frowning and looking a tad put out. The egg mutters to no-one in
particular, “I guess we answered THAT question.”

I was reading through a TIME magazine recently and saw a study on the amount of estrogen levels in beer.

They gave a whole bunch of beer to a whole bunch of guys and after these guys had consumed all this beer they found that all of them gained womanly quailities.

They all gained weight, couldn’t drive, and talked incessantly without making any sense!

Little Johnny’s teacher told the class to go home and find something interesting to tell the class for the next day. The next day when the teacher told Johnny to tell his story, he went up to the blackboard and drew a period. The teacher asked Johnny what was so interesting about a period. Johnny stood up and replied “I don’t know, but this morning when my sister said she missed one, mom fainted, dad fell down the stairs, and the guy next door shot himself!”

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn’t come back, it was never yours to begin with. But… if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money and doesn’t appear to realize that you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin.

These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there’s a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances,” they explained.

“Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.”

The man looked horrified and said, “You can’t be serious! I could never shoot my wife!” “Well,” said the CIA man, “you’re definitely not the right man for this job then.”

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances,” they explained to the second man.

“Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.”

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes.

“I tried to shoot her; I just couldn’t pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I’m not the right man for the job.”

“No,” the CIA man replied, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun.

“We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances;this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him.”

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing,and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!”

1. SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.

2. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.

3. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew or the local Patagonia store.

4. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?

5. Butthead is the smart one.

6. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?

7. You probably don’t want to know what we’re thinking about.

8. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about “us” and “the relationship.”

9. Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.

10. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.

11. Socks never constitute a gift.

12. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.

13. We don’t know anything about handbags. Don’t even ask.

14. We did water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.

15. Even if you think he’s cute, Kevin Costner can’t act.

16. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to do “Sirens” rather than “Waterworld.”

17. Curley is the bald one.

18. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.

19. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.

20. Its in neither your interest nor ours to take the Quiz together.

21. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Chris Farley, don’t expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.

22. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation are not.

23. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.

24. No, you can’t have the remote control.

25. If you must take us with you into Victoria’s Secret, never, ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort.

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. As he stood by his car to drink his cola, he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on.

The other man came along behind and filled in the hole.

While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road.

“I can’t stand this,” said the man, tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

“Hold it, hold it,” he said to the men. “Can you tell me what’s going on here with this digging?”

“Well, we work for the county,” one of the men said.

“But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You’re not accomplishing anything. Aren’t you wasting the county’s money?”

“You don’t understand, mister,” one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow.

“Normally there’s three of us … me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back.

Now just because Rodney’s sick, that don’t mean that Mike and me can’t work.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists
… two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!

“The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”

The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your Wife and go home.”

The second man was given the same instructions He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”

The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.. “This gun is loaded with blanks”, she said. “I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

Moral: Women are evil. Don’t mess with them.

A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before she was about to have a heart transplant.

The woman, concerned about her friend’s welfare, went up to the surgeon who was going to perform the operation and said, “Doctor, I’m worried about my friend. What if her body rejects the organ?”

The doctor replied “Well, she’s 34 years old and is in extremely good health apart from her heart. How long has she been in the business?”

The patient’s friend replied “She’s been working since she was 18 years old, but what’s that got to do with anything?”

“Well,” said the doctor, “if she’s been working for 16 years and hasn’t rejected an organ, I don’t think she’s about to start now!”

Submitted by ���rt��
Edited by calamjo

10 Things That Suck About Being A Guy
1. You have to take out the garbage.
2. The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.
3. No sofas in your restrooms.
4. External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.
5. Even if you get your head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you’re
not allowed to cry.
6. James Bond movies only come out every two years.
7. Ribbed for her pleasure – not yours.
8. You have to wear ties.
9. You can’t flirt your way out of a jam.
10. “Women and children first”