Category: gender

“You’ve got a touch of pneumonia,” said the medical officer after examining the new enlistee.

“Are you sure, sir?” queried one worried man. “I have known civilian people told they have pneumonia but then die of something quite different.”

“You are not in civil life, Samson. You’re in the Army!” thundered the medical officer. “And if you get treated in the Army for pneumonia, you die of pneumonia.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

Relationships: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled ‘All Men Are Idiots.’ Then she will get on with her life. A mail has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3 am on a Sunday morning, he will call and say, ‘I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I’ll never forgive you, and hate you, and you’re a total floozy. But I want you to know that there’s always a chance for us.’ This is known as the ‘I Hate You, I Love You’ drunken phone call and 99 percent of all men have made it at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.Sex: Women prefer 30 to 40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 to 40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.Maturity: Women mature much faster than men do. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.Magazines: Men’s magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women’s magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman’s body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.Bathrooms: A man has five items in his bathroom – a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.Groceries: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampetts’ car on The Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10?items?or?less lane.Cats: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.Offspring: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.Dressing Up: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.Laundry: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a van and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old American sitcoms.Eating Out: When the bill comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it’s only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.Mirrors: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any, shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, bald boyfriend’s/father’s heads.Menopause: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, biological Changes. Nature provokes a uniform reaction in men. He buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.Richard Gere: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because lie reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.Madonna: Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.Toys: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men’s toys: little miniature TVs. Cell phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six big batteries to operate.Locker Rooms: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don’t know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room: sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.Movies: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. Men will only show their arse, because arse size doesn’t really matter.Jewelry: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that’s it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Ramone.Time: When a woman says she’ll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she’s using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.Friends: Women on a ‘girls’ night out’ talk the whole time. Men on a ‘boys’ night out’ say about 20 words all night, most of which are ‘Pass the chips’ or ‘Got am more beer?’Toilets: Men use toilets for purely biological reasons. Women use toilets as social lounges. Men in toilets will never speak a word to each other. Women who’ve never met will leave a toilet giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, ‘Hey Tom, I, was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?’

She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton!

Submitted by Curtis

How does an older woman keep her youth?

By giving him money.

Submited by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

A woman walks into a restaurant and sits down.

As she bends down to reach into her purse for her wallet, she farts loudly with the waiter right behind her.

She sits abruptly back up, glares at the waiter and shouts �Stop that!�

To which the waiter replies, �Sure, which way did it go?�

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

The difference between men and women in one paragraph:

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells: “PIG!!”

The man immediately leans out his window and replies “BITCH.”

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

Jack’s grandfather left him ten million dollars, and the next week Diane agreed to marry him.

After three months of married life, Jack noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more.

On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men’s names!

Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men.

Finally, he decided to confront her.

“Diane,” he said, “The only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me ten million dollars when he died!”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” she replied, “I don’t care who gave you the money!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

Because I’m a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while
I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I’ll miss a whole show looking
for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.

Because I’m a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire
clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until
long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn’t running very
well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m
looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used
to be able to fix these things, but now with
all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.” We will
then drink beer.

Because I’m a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and
take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do,
so for you this isn’t an issue.

Because I’m a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the
store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like
“Cumin” or “Tofu.” For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under
any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which “feminine hygiene
product” is a euphemism.

Because I’m a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on
taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much
once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I’m a guy, I don’t think we’re all that lost, and no, I don’t think
we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger-
how the heck could HE know where we’re going?

Because I’m a guy, there is no need to ask me what I’m thinking about. The
answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something
else when you ask, so don’t.

Because I’m a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother
come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than
I have to. Whatever you got her for mother’s day is ok, I don’t need to see
it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?

Because I’m a guy, I am capable of announcing, “one more beer and I really
have to go,” and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the
point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down
another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to
tell you I’ll be home soon, and no, I don’t understand why you threw all my
clothes into the front yard. What’s the
connection?

Because I’m a guy, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances
are, if you’re crying at the end of it, I didn’t.

Because I’m a guy, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you
were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine.
With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine.
Can we just go now?

Because I’m a guy and this is, after all, the 90’s, I will share equally in
the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes.
I’ll do the rest.

– Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.

– Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.

– PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.

– Men would get reputations for sleeping around.

– Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding
wedding rings in their pockets.

– A man would no longer be considered a “good catch” simply
because he is breathing.

– Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight
standard would increase by 40 pounds.

– Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.

– “Ms.” Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring
scantily clad male models.

– Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two
hours of bedtime.

– Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as
hard for none of the credit.

– Little girls would read “Snow White and the Seven Hunks.”

– Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap
operas.

– Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there
would be no pictures.

– Men would learn phrases like: “I’m sorry,” ” I love you,”
“You’re beautiful,” “Of course you don’t look fat in that
outfit.”

– Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their
accomplishments.

– Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.

– All toilet seats would be nailed down.

– Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their
careers.

– TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1
minute.

– All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.

– During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women
would date 19-year-olds.

– Overweight men would have their weight brought to their
attention constantly.

– After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity
leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.

– For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a
two-year old for six weeks.

Because I’m a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I’ll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.

Because I’m a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.” We will then drink beer.

Because I’m a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn’t an issue.

Because I’m a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like “Cumin” or “Tofu.” For all I know these are the same thing. And never, underany circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which “feminine hygiene product” is a euphemism.

Because I’m a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I’m a guy, I don’t think we’re all that lost, and no, I don’t think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger — how the heck could HE know where we’re going?

Because I’m a guy, there is no need to ask me what I’m thinking about. The answer is always either women or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don’t.

Because I’m a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother’s day is ok, I don’t need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?

Because I’m a guy, I am capable of announcing, “one more beer and I really have to go,” and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilariousto have my pals call you to tell you I’ll be home soon, and no, I don’t understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What’s the connection?

Because I’m a guy, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you’re crying at the end of it, I didn’t.

Because I’m a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.

Because I’m a guy, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I’m a guy and this is, after all, the 90’s, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes. I’ll do the rest.

Why don’t women wear dresses in the winter?

They don’t want to get chapped lips.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

When He Says – He Really Means
———— – —————-
Do you have the time? – to go to bed

Hello – Let’s cut the talk and go have sex.

How are you? – in bed, I mean.

I’d like a discreet relationship. – I want sex, but I’m married.

I’ll be out of town for a few days. – I’ll be spending time with with the wife.

I’m a novelist. – I have 10 unpublished books.

I’m coming off a long relationship. – My wife is divorcing me.

I’m consulting. – I’m looking for a job.

I’m divorced. – I just slipped off my wedding ring.

I’m in television. – I fix them.

I’m involved in banking. – I’m a bank guard.

I’m self-employed. – I just got fired.

I’m sorry I flirted with your sister. – I’m sorry I got caught.

I’m thinking of relocating. – I can’t find a job locally in this town.

I can’t leave my wife just yet..soon. – Be patient forever.

I enjoy reading. – Playboy and Penthouse.

I have the Midas touch. – I install mufflers.

I like a woman who is intelligent. – As long as she acts like I’m smarter.

I love opera. – I want sex, but I’ve seen an opera once.

I play the market. – Safeway

I work high up in an executive office. – I’m a window washer.

I work with computers. – I’m a cashier at a gas station.

Looking for a satisfying relationship. – I want sex.

My business is really hot right now! – I hand out towels in a steam room.

My job keeps me running. – I’m a messenger.

My wife and I are separated. – She’s at home and I’m here at the bar.